I live moment to moment. I never know what is going to set her off. We signed DS up for soccer. Like with everything else, I used her name as the parent, but left my e-mail and phone number because traditionally I handle all that "stuff". Well there was a problem and I left messages and took care of it. Last night at our first practice, who is listed as the parent on the roster? Me. Damn. She thought our friend the coach did it and she was mad because they are gay too and should no about "other parent always left out" syndrome. Turns out it was the YMCA guy so then she was fine when I told her the forms were filled out with her name. Had a nice time, had a good night. She was pleasant to me this morning. Then I call home and WHAM. Pissed as hell about the roster. Pissed that I did not clean up the dog kennels - even though I told her last night it was too dark to see when we got home. And she said nothing then. I've told her to find me her head lamp so I can see the poo and clean it up.

So now I sit in my office - pumping and crying. Not a day, not one single day can pass without tears.

If I did not have the children I would get in the car and go. Leave my stuff behind. Just take my cat and maybe a dog. Or maybe none of them. Just go and start over. But instead I have to face the bed I made. My friend told me this weekend we should just move in together and help each other with the kids. She has relationship issues as well. I laughed and smiled at the time. But really, if they break up and we break up, it's not a bad idea. It actually feels good to know that there is a back up plan. But she also thinks we won't break up. That DP would never leave me. If only she could see the truth.

I wonder how much longer I can live like this - sans intimacy, sans love. I sleep with a stranger with a wide divide between us. I can't remember our last kiss, the last time we made love. A long time ago. I've had my advances rejected so many times that I've stopped trying and I certainly don't have to worry about her looking for me. That hasn't happened in years. Seven years we've been together. Lesbian bed death they call it. Not even sure I could do it now. We are strangers and I don't think I'm willing to risk being that vunerable again.

Why even come here anymore and write? It's just the same old shit. Just when I think we take a small step forward, I'm suddenly thrown back.

I cry every day. My son cries every day. Every day we are yelled at. I can't keep crying at work, trying to hide my personal business.

For the sake of my children I can not give up.