So yesterday a baby was born and she is beautiful. Her name is Kayla and her parents are Nick and Michelle from the Northwest infertility board. They were chosen by the birth mom and it is so exciting and a miracle from God, this beautiful little baby and loving parents. Yet at the same time another baby was dying. The friend of a friend of another NW blogger posted that the mom went into labor at 23 weeks and their son was lost to Jesus' arms.
It's the circle of life, as one breath is taken another breath fails. All babies are gifts and it saddens me to see any lost.
I just had to write about it.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Happier talk with DP
DP called around noon and we had a much happier conversation. She actually told me that she really missed me. She said I am a pain in the ass and really piss her off at times, but that this week she realized that she really and truly missed me. That made me feel so good and I promptly told her I felt the same way. She was like what? I'm a pain in the ass eh, but then she laughed and it really felt good to exchange some fun filled and loving words. She did add that the house better be clean when she comes home. I guess I'm gonna have a busy night!
And she's gonna bring me a couple of my favorite food treats from "home". Don't know how she's gonna do it - but my mouth still waters for chocolate Reese peanut butter cake from an fantabulous Italian bakery in our old neighborhood and some yummy New England clam chowder from a local restaurant. Haven't had it since 2002, but I can still taste every bite!!
I'm going to start saving so next summer we can board the dogs and all go home.
Heading home in a bit - got to try and be good and stay off the blogging and do some chores. But I probably will post anyway!
And she's gonna bring me a couple of my favorite food treats from "home". Don't know how she's gonna do it - but my mouth still waters for chocolate Reese peanut butter cake from an fantabulous Italian bakery in our old neighborhood and some yummy New England clam chowder from a local restaurant. Haven't had it since 2002, but I can still taste every bite!!
I'm going to start saving so next summer we can board the dogs and all go home.
Heading home in a bit - got to try and be good and stay off the blogging and do some chores. But I probably will post anyway!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
DP can just flatten my mood
Talking with DP tonight was no fun. I was so pleased with my meeting with my boss and coach today and I wanted to share it with her. Right away she dug in on the things I need to work on and how they are really important as a manager and I need to get it right and on and on. Really my boss had very little that was bad to say about me. But I'm sorry I shared anything at all with DP because just like my mom did my whole life she jumped right on the negative and made me feel like crap, like none of the positive mattered. And she started in with me about the house and what did I do all week, is the house clean, etc.
So now I'm just stuffing my face, using food to fill that empty place, using food to stuff away the feelings and emotions. I'm just going to crawl into bed now and pray I can drag myself out of it in the morning and get to work on time since I've not prepared my lunch or clothes and at this moment have no desire to do anything more than hide in the bed.
So now I'm just stuffing my face, using food to fill that empty place, using food to stuff away the feelings and emotions. I'm just going to crawl into bed now and pray I can drag myself out of it in the morning and get to work on time since I've not prepared my lunch or clothes and at this moment have no desire to do anything more than hide in the bed.
Feeling somewhat better today
I'm still having these flutters of panic. But last night I did 2 loads of laundry - did not fold them - just added them to the 2 loads from last week - lol - I need a lady like Kate has. You know Kate from John and Kate plus 8? She does all the laundry and then some nice lady comes over and folds it. That's what I need. I don't mind the washing part - heck the machine does it all anyway - but I sure hate the folding an putting away. You know what it is - I hate the chores that were the chores of my youth. My mom always made me fold laundry, empty the dishwasher, and dust. All of which I hate to do now. Tonight I will be good and fold. And last night I emptied the dishwasher, yuck, and refilled it with my dishes and ran it again and then I scrubbed the kitchen. So that's done. I'm going to do all the dusting and vacuuming on Friday so that DP can come home to a super clean house. Tonight and tomorrow I am going to finish picking up and putting things away. And then when DP gets home we need to commit to some cleaning out projects - like the front hall closet and her clothes closet. And then I have to tackle the office.
I really want to commit to things being better when she comes home. This is the longest we've been apart and the most distance between us. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks when I was pregnant but it was only 45 minutes away and she could come see me. I've gone away to a conference and she's been home before but that was only 3 days. I haven't seen my family since last Thursday at 7 am! And the baby - he wasn't up so I haven't seen him since last Wednesday when I put him to bed! So anyway, hopefully tonight I will have the same energy I found last night.
Work is work this week. It's been a bit busy and sometimes that is nice. J has been pretty easy to deal with lately, although still late most days. And I still haven't received guidance from HR on that and the FML. C is never much of a problem thank goodness. K has been annoying the hell out of me lately. She is young and is used to getting her way at home with her dad and her husband. She's whiny and complains a lot. And she pushes issues even when it is time to stop. She's very immature.
I had a meeting with my coach and my boss today for the professional development series I am doing this year. It is 16 classes and personal coaching. I'm very excited about it. I loved last semester's classes but was not as happy with my coach. I have a new one and I really like him. The meeting went well and I think I'll learn good things from him and classes. I had a good talk with my boss - we are both well aware of my strengths and weaknesses so it is good we are on the same page. She paid me a great compliment today I think. She was talking about another staff member who took the class and who really blossomed, came out of her shell, stopped complaining, etc. My boss said she wouldn't know what to do with me if I did any more of that because I am already a leader but I just need to work on the softer people skills which I agree. So it felt like a compliment and it felt very encouraging and supportive. Now if she would only get around to doing my review and giving me a raise, well then I might actually feel a bit better about work! Let's see, the big boss is looking to develop me more to be involved with the whole office rather than just my section and give me the duties that another manager is slacking on. I would say a raise should come with all that.
Yes, a raise might help some of the financial woes...
I really want to commit to things being better when she comes home. This is the longest we've been apart and the most distance between us. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks when I was pregnant but it was only 45 minutes away and she could come see me. I've gone away to a conference and she's been home before but that was only 3 days. I haven't seen my family since last Thursday at 7 am! And the baby - he wasn't up so I haven't seen him since last Wednesday when I put him to bed! So anyway, hopefully tonight I will have the same energy I found last night.
Work is work this week. It's been a bit busy and sometimes that is nice. J has been pretty easy to deal with lately, although still late most days. And I still haven't received guidance from HR on that and the FML. C is never much of a problem thank goodness. K has been annoying the hell out of me lately. She is young and is used to getting her way at home with her dad and her husband. She's whiny and complains a lot. And she pushes issues even when it is time to stop. She's very immature.
I had a meeting with my coach and my boss today for the professional development series I am doing this year. It is 16 classes and personal coaching. I'm very excited about it. I loved last semester's classes but was not as happy with my coach. I have a new one and I really like him. The meeting went well and I think I'll learn good things from him and classes. I had a good talk with my boss - we are both well aware of my strengths and weaknesses so it is good we are on the same page. She paid me a great compliment today I think. She was talking about another staff member who took the class and who really blossomed, came out of her shell, stopped complaining, etc. My boss said she wouldn't know what to do with me if I did any more of that because I am already a leader but I just need to work on the softer people skills which I agree. So it felt like a compliment and it felt very encouraging and supportive. Now if she would only get around to doing my review and giving me a raise, well then I might actually feel a bit better about work! Let's see, the big boss is looking to develop me more to be involved with the whole office rather than just my section and give me the duties that another manager is slacking on. I would say a raise should come with all that.
Yes, a raise might help some of the financial woes...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I lied - one more post before bed
Randy Pausch is a man of God, a true inspiration. In the stress of the last few months I had forgotten this amazing man. We have his book and I've seen his lecture. I think it's time for me to stand up and not just listen to what he has to say - but to embrace it, live it, learn it. God bless his family.
Last post of the day
The panic hit as I walked in the door. I think that's a good sign that it's home that brings on the most anxiety for me. I am taking Friday off and I'd better be motivated to get some things done. I'm going to make a good effort tonight too. So on to some lists:
Why do I think I'm having panic attacks?
1. Lonely. I hate being alone and as much as we fight and have problems, I miss DP and her company and of course I miss DS. I think the car accident has really gotten to me as well.
2. Money. It's the end of the month and things are tight. DP has been spending like crazy while away trying to help her sister with money we don't have to spare. We have no savings, the little I had is gone for this trip. We need to cut back but DP just doesn't get it. I think it's time for her to take over the finances. Since she won't listen to me she might as well try it on her own. The problem is that I tend to hide things from her and turning over the finances will cause a fight I want to avoid.
3. Secrets. DP and I don't see eye to eye about things so I tend to have alot of secrets. This blog for one. I've kept secrets over the years and as a result of finding out some of those things, DP does not have alot of trust in me. I have to admit that I tell alot of little lies. I tell people what they want to hear and I do anything to avoid conflict. Examples of the lies I tell - today I was supposed to mail something for DP. I didn't do it. She'll ask me if I did it when I talk to her tonight and I will say yes because I don't want her to get mad at me. Then I will mail it tomorrow. But I have to mail it return receipt requested so if she sees the paperwork she'll see the date and know I lied. I do stuff like this all the time. I've been doing it since I was a kid to stay out of trouble with my mom. But it is bad and as DP says if she can't trust me with small stuff how can she trust me with big stuff. She hates how much time I was spending on the Internet when we first met. She caught me checking out the on-line personals and since I cheated on my husband, she doesn't trust me. I write to friends and don't tell her about it because she would just want to read my e-mails. She doesn't believe we should have secrets. But what if I want to vent about her? Don't I deserve privacy? I'm just making excuses. I should be more honest even about little stupid things and not be so fearful of her anger.
4. Family. DP hates my family and that causes so many problems. She doesn't think my mom has any rights to see the baby. There's more to that mess in a post waiting to be published.
5. Mess. The house is a mess. We have too many projects going on, stuff is everywhere, and we have too much stuff and nothing is organized. We are working on it bit by bit but I don't feel the progress. And of course I hate to clean so I avoid housework until it's overwhelming.
6. Depression. I'm fat and slow and I feel like crap physically and emotionally.
7. Work. Work is a bit stressful, especially this month, glad that will pass soon. But there is also issues with my staff, trust, lawsuits, I pretty much hate going there most days lately.
So that's the big stuff. Now I need a list for how to tackle it.
1. Lonely. This will hopefully pass once DP and DS come home.
2. Money. Well we are not going to have any more any time soon. I want to get the credit card paid down and then turn the bills over to DP. Maybe then she'll see how tight things are. I really think if I could just get to the point of admitting that I do a horrible job of budgeting and let her take over, this would be a huge relief to me. I just have to get over her initial anger. The problem is that she never listens to me when I say no we can't afford something so then I give in and use the credit card to get us through the end of the month. But she doesn't know I do that.
3. Secrets. I don't know what to do about this. I can't say oh by the way I've had a blog for several months and I've made friends through blogging or that I've been e-mailing my two best friends from high school and college about all my personal problems. Or that I use the credit card without telling her. I don't know how to get back on an honest track. Can't start fresh. DP does not fight fair and she never lets go of your past transgressions.
4. Family. At a loss on this once since DP refuses to compromise. Part of our fight last week had to do with us meeting my mom last weekend. What I thought went well did not in DP's eyes.
5. Mess. A to do list and a commitment to it should get us through the projects.
6. Depression. Exercise and good food will help. Getting motivated to commit is a different story.
7. Work. This stress will pass. I just have to hang in there.
Okay, off to tackle some of the things that need to be done around the house. DP is going to call at 10 to say good night and then I want to go to bed right after that.
Why do I think I'm having panic attacks?
1. Lonely. I hate being alone and as much as we fight and have problems, I miss DP and her company and of course I miss DS. I think the car accident has really gotten to me as well.
2. Money. It's the end of the month and things are tight. DP has been spending like crazy while away trying to help her sister with money we don't have to spare. We have no savings, the little I had is gone for this trip. We need to cut back but DP just doesn't get it. I think it's time for her to take over the finances. Since she won't listen to me she might as well try it on her own. The problem is that I tend to hide things from her and turning over the finances will cause a fight I want to avoid.
3. Secrets. DP and I don't see eye to eye about things so I tend to have alot of secrets. This blog for one. I've kept secrets over the years and as a result of finding out some of those things, DP does not have alot of trust in me. I have to admit that I tell alot of little lies. I tell people what they want to hear and I do anything to avoid conflict. Examples of the lies I tell - today I was supposed to mail something for DP. I didn't do it. She'll ask me if I did it when I talk to her tonight and I will say yes because I don't want her to get mad at me. Then I will mail it tomorrow. But I have to mail it return receipt requested so if she sees the paperwork she'll see the date and know I lied. I do stuff like this all the time. I've been doing it since I was a kid to stay out of trouble with my mom. But it is bad and as DP says if she can't trust me with small stuff how can she trust me with big stuff. She hates how much time I was spending on the Internet when we first met. She caught me checking out the on-line personals and since I cheated on my husband, she doesn't trust me. I write to friends and don't tell her about it because she would just want to read my e-mails. She doesn't believe we should have secrets. But what if I want to vent about her? Don't I deserve privacy? I'm just making excuses. I should be more honest even about little stupid things and not be so fearful of her anger.
4. Family. DP hates my family and that causes so many problems. She doesn't think my mom has any rights to see the baby. There's more to that mess in a post waiting to be published.
5. Mess. The house is a mess. We have too many projects going on, stuff is everywhere, and we have too much stuff and nothing is organized. We are working on it bit by bit but I don't feel the progress. And of course I hate to clean so I avoid housework until it's overwhelming.
6. Depression. I'm fat and slow and I feel like crap physically and emotionally.
7. Work. Work is a bit stressful, especially this month, glad that will pass soon. But there is also issues with my staff, trust, lawsuits, I pretty much hate going there most days lately.
So that's the big stuff. Now I need a list for how to tackle it.
1. Lonely. This will hopefully pass once DP and DS come home.
2. Money. Well we are not going to have any more any time soon. I want to get the credit card paid down and then turn the bills over to DP. Maybe then she'll see how tight things are. I really think if I could just get to the point of admitting that I do a horrible job of budgeting and let her take over, this would be a huge relief to me. I just have to get over her initial anger. The problem is that she never listens to me when I say no we can't afford something so then I give in and use the credit card to get us through the end of the month. But she doesn't know I do that.
3. Secrets. I don't know what to do about this. I can't say oh by the way I've had a blog for several months and I've made friends through blogging or that I've been e-mailing my two best friends from high school and college about all my personal problems. Or that I use the credit card without telling her. I don't know how to get back on an honest track. Can't start fresh. DP does not fight fair and she never lets go of your past transgressions.
4. Family. At a loss on this once since DP refuses to compromise. Part of our fight last week had to do with us meeting my mom last weekend. What I thought went well did not in DP's eyes.
5. Mess. A to do list and a commitment to it should get us through the projects.
6. Depression. Exercise and good food will help. Getting motivated to commit is a different story.
7. Work. This stress will pass. I just have to hang in there.
Okay, off to tackle some of the things that need to be done around the house. DP is going to call at 10 to say good night and then I want to go to bed right after that.
TTC Vent
So I wasn't going to say anything, but I might TTC this weekend. Friday is CD 11 and nephew is going to come home with DP and then fly back to his mom's on Monday. But here's the problem. Ever since I stopped the clomid, I have been starting with EWCM on CD 7-8. I've had tons last night and today. Also, I've been getting partial ferning but temps don't rise and FF does not show O until well after CD 14 or so. I haven't been temping or anything this month because this is the only weekend nephew could come. He couldn't be here today since they are still helping his mom this week. It was this weekend or nothing and I figured with it being CD 11-13 I'd be good. But from what I've read, with fresh and home inseminations, you need the EWCM for the sperm to get up in the cervix and get washed. But here's the kicker, the last couple of months I've had small amounts of EWCM around CD 11-12. I'm telling you I'm nothing like I was when I conceived DS and I swear the clomid has messed with my body!
Well I have nothing to lose - if nephew does show up this weekend we'll just give it a go and see what happens. But I'm very frustrated that my body is not lining up all the signs just right!! It was so much easier last time around when the donor lived in the same town and could be available for more days. I wish I could have started inseminating last night and then just kept it up all week. Oh well.
My sincere hope is that my dear friend Tammy with get a BFP oh around Monday or Tuesday while nephews swimmers are meeting up with my eggie and then we can be PG buddies and she can have the opposite sex of me and they can grow up and fall in love or something cute like that. LOL - Tammy I hope I made ya smile b/c I know you need one today!
Well I have nothing to lose - if nephew does show up this weekend we'll just give it a go and see what happens. But I'm very frustrated that my body is not lining up all the signs just right!! It was so much easier last time around when the donor lived in the same town and could be available for more days. I wish I could have started inseminating last night and then just kept it up all week. Oh well.
My sincere hope is that my dear friend Tammy with get a BFP oh around Monday or Tuesday while nephews swimmers are meeting up with my eggie and then we can be PG buddies and she can have the opposite sex of me and they can grow up and fall in love or something cute like that. LOL - Tammy I hope I made ya smile b/c I know you need one today!
Where did this depression come from?
So for years I have suffered from depression. I think it started when I was 11 or 12 and I strongly believe that my "female" hormones have some effect on the "brain" hormones. I was diagnosed with PMDD in my early 30's. So in February of 2000 after a very stressful 2 years I had a nervous breakdown. I was coming to terms with being gay, working at a very stressful job, went on medication for my depression, had a bad doctor who over medicated me for a panic disorder. I was a mess to say the least. It took years of therapy and years of self determination. It wasn't always easy and I spent several years wallowing in depression and pity and barely leaving the house.
So fast forward to the present because there is just to much to write about the past...
I've done pretty well off medication for about 3 years or so. But I get easily overwhelmed and easily stressed. I get this horrible feeling, it's hard to put into words, but when it comes on, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and hide. Anyway it's been creeping in over the past few months. Last night I was having chest pains and my heart was racing. I was thinking it was because of my poor health - overweight etc. But this morning, I recognized it for what it really is - the panic attacks are back. The way I am feeling right now is very much how I was feeling in 2000 and here and there since. But it has been well over 3 years since I've felt as bad as I do right now. There is just so much on my plate right now and I'm overwhelmed as to where to begin to clear it off!! I'm going to work on a list...lists have helped me so much, I think I mentioned that yesterday. It helps me focus, makes me feel good to see the accomplishments. I only did one of my tasks last night. I got very overwhelmed. I think I'm going to ask for Friday off to have more time to prepare for my family coming home.
So fast forward to the present because there is just to much to write about the past...
I've done pretty well off medication for about 3 years or so. But I get easily overwhelmed and easily stressed. I get this horrible feeling, it's hard to put into words, but when it comes on, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and hide. Anyway it's been creeping in over the past few months. Last night I was having chest pains and my heart was racing. I was thinking it was because of my poor health - overweight etc. But this morning, I recognized it for what it really is - the panic attacks are back. The way I am feeling right now is very much how I was feeling in 2000 and here and there since. But it has been well over 3 years since I've felt as bad as I do right now. There is just so much on my plate right now and I'm overwhelmed as to where to begin to clear it off!! I'm going to work on a list...lists have helped me so much, I think I mentioned that yesterday. It helps me focus, makes me feel good to see the accomplishments. I only did one of my tasks last night. I got very overwhelmed. I think I'm going to ask for Friday off to have more time to prepare for my family coming home.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Home sweet home
So I was crucified again at the parent presentation. I am so glad it was the last for the season! Let me just vent for a minute and say how it is so unfair that I have to participate in this hell. I work in a university. I collect on campus based student loans and unpaid tuition accounts. In some schools we would be part of the financial aid office, in other schools part of the cashier's/student account's office. We are part of the latter. As a manager I have to participate in parent related activities. Problem is I don't do anything on a regular basis with current students and bills. I work with people after they leave. Collections is very different. So every year I get thrown to the wolves (parents) and get asked so many questions that I don't know the answers to and take their venting when I have no control over the issues they are fussing about. It's really tough. But at the same time I want to move up in the office so I really try to learn all I can. So it's only half hearted complaining.
I'm having some little pains in my chest. Little flutters. I don't tell DP about them. I know it is stress, my blood pressure, my weight. When oh when will I get serious and lose this weight? My son needs me.
So I want to read blogs all night but I need to get going on my list and avoid being depressed. But I'm sleepy. I did not sleep well last night...maybe I'll write more later.
I'm having some little pains in my chest. Little flutters. I don't tell DP about them. I know it is stress, my blood pressure, my weight. When oh when will I get serious and lose this weight? My son needs me.
So I want to read blogs all night but I need to get going on my list and avoid being depressed. But I'm sleepy. I did not sleep well last night...maybe I'll write more later.
I can't take any more stress
UPDATE: Finally talked to DP, she says there is no way she can stress her sister out and go to the ER, she will just go to appt. I made for her on Monday. So that makes me wonder, how sick is she one, or two is she really sick and being stubborn as she often is when it comes to her medical health and do I need to be a worried wreck for a week? UGH All I can say is thank goodness this is my last presentation for the summer to parents because that stresses me out too! I'm going home as soon as I am done!!!!!!!!!
I am totally freaking out right now. So DP wanted me to call her doctor. She's been having alot of pain and swelling in her legs and she's having some trouble urinating. Well the doctor's office said she needs to go to the ER!! And of course I can not get in touch with DP. Apparently this could be a sign of a kidney problem and since she is out of town and can not go to the doctor's office - she needs to go to the ER. I can't get in touch with her on any of her sister's cell phones.
I'm feeling sick. DP can be a bit of a hypochondriac. But she does have a heart condition, which she complained about for years having pain and no doctor believed her, and then finally they found it. So I'm always torn as to whether or not she's for real when she says something is bothering her. Is it really that bad? But after they finally discovered that she did have a heart condition, I've tried to believe her more when she says something feels wrong.
But seriously if she is really sick, I don't know that I can take on any more stress - her being up there with the baby and all that is going on with her family and me down here with no one to help with the dogs. I can not possible handle another problem. And if she's not sick and just looking for attention, well I can't handle that either.
My blood pressure is so high, I'm going to end up having a heart attack or a stroke. I feel that sick over all this stress coming my way. How am I supposed to get through the moments until I can talk to her about this??
I am totally freaking out right now. So DP wanted me to call her doctor. She's been having alot of pain and swelling in her legs and she's having some trouble urinating. Well the doctor's office said she needs to go to the ER!! And of course I can not get in touch with DP. Apparently this could be a sign of a kidney problem and since she is out of town and can not go to the doctor's office - she needs to go to the ER. I can't get in touch with her on any of her sister's cell phones.
I'm feeling sick. DP can be a bit of a hypochondriac. But she does have a heart condition, which she complained about for years having pain and no doctor believed her, and then finally they found it. So I'm always torn as to whether or not she's for real when she says something is bothering her. Is it really that bad? But after they finally discovered that she did have a heart condition, I've tried to believe her more when she says something feels wrong.
But seriously if she is really sick, I don't know that I can take on any more stress - her being up there with the baby and all that is going on with her family and me down here with no one to help with the dogs. I can not possible handle another problem. And if she's not sick and just looking for attention, well I can't handle that either.
My blood pressure is so high, I'm going to end up having a heart attack or a stroke. I feel that sick over all this stress coming my way. How am I supposed to get through the moments until I can talk to her about this??
It's a Monday
So what more can I say about that? It was very hard to get up and out of the house this morning. But I have to shake these blues. I'm trying to figure out why they have hit me so badly. I think it's being alone and the lack of routine on top of all the other stress. I suffer from depression, but have been medication free for some time now. I really work hard at it and having DS keeps me committed to plugging along for his sake. There's so much on my plate right now, I guess the break in the routine has given me too much time to think about things. But I have to muddle through - there's lots to do at home and I want DP to be proud of me when she comes back.
I did finally talk to them this morning. DP's cell phone is dead - she forgot her charger and can only charge the phone while in the car which is not very often. It really bothers me because we can't talk - we have to talk real quick on her sister's cell phone. And she never has privacy to talk and there are things we need to talk about. She said she missed me but I don't believe her. I'm feeling very selfish. I know she is there to support her sister, but I feel forgotten. It's so silly really. But she's there with our son, surrounded by family, even though things are sad and stressful. But I'm home alone with no one but the dogs and a couple of fish to talk to!
But I am determined to get over these blues. I'm going to make a list of what I want to accomplish each night this week. Lists always seem to help me. I guess because it feels good when I can cross something off. Having lunch with the boss today - we have to go over my project for class. More later....
I did finally talk to them this morning. DP's cell phone is dead - she forgot her charger and can only charge the phone while in the car which is not very often. It really bothers me because we can't talk - we have to talk real quick on her sister's cell phone. And she never has privacy to talk and there are things we need to talk about. She said she missed me but I don't believe her. I'm feeling very selfish. I know she is there to support her sister, but I feel forgotten. It's so silly really. But she's there with our son, surrounded by family, even though things are sad and stressful. But I'm home alone with no one but the dogs and a couple of fish to talk to!
But I am determined to get over these blues. I'm going to make a list of what I want to accomplish each night this week. Lists always seem to help me. I guess because it feels good when I can cross something off. Having lunch with the boss today - we have to go over my project for class. More later....
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Depressed
I have been so very depressed this weekend. I've done nothing but sleep most of the time. I thought getting out and working in the yard yesterday would perk me up for today but it did not. I know I'm still reeling from the events of last Monday and of course now I am alone for a week and that brings up other realizations of my life. And DP's phone is off. We had some words this morning and now I guess she's avoiding me which really pisses me off since I want to talk to the baby.
I feel so alone and we have no friends. That's how DP is, she's very private and likes it to be just us. I realize this is a huge problem. She finds fault with everyone. We used to have some okay friends, but DP had a fight with them and that was the end of that. They told me they saw her for what she was and they felt very sad for the way she treats me. It's true but I was and am still to this day too weak to do anything about it. And then this morning DP is telling me about all the money she is spending to help her sister pay a bill and buy food. We don't have the money for this and she knows it and she acknowledged it so when I said well why are you doing it then because you are now putting us in a bad situation for paying our bills. Well that totally pissed her off and she said I could have been more understanding and not make her feel more guilty about spending the money. My point is, if you claim to KNOW we don't have it, then WHY are you doing it?
I don't even want to write about all the problems any more. I'm so embarrassed about my life, so tired, so lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore. The stress of the highs and lows of being with DP are really getting to me. Some days are so good, almost normal, everything I dreamed of. And other days are so bad I just don't know why I am here.
I had so much I wanted to do this weekend and I am mad at myself for not fighting through the depression and getting it done. I hope I can turn it around the rest of this week.
I feel so alone and we have no friends. That's how DP is, she's very private and likes it to be just us. I realize this is a huge problem. She finds fault with everyone. We used to have some okay friends, but DP had a fight with them and that was the end of that. They told me they saw her for what she was and they felt very sad for the way she treats me. It's true but I was and am still to this day too weak to do anything about it. And then this morning DP is telling me about all the money she is spending to help her sister pay a bill and buy food. We don't have the money for this and she knows it and she acknowledged it so when I said well why are you doing it then because you are now putting us in a bad situation for paying our bills. Well that totally pissed her off and she said I could have been more understanding and not make her feel more guilty about spending the money. My point is, if you claim to KNOW we don't have it, then WHY are you doing it?
I don't even want to write about all the problems any more. I'm so embarrassed about my life, so tired, so lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore. The stress of the highs and lows of being with DP are really getting to me. Some days are so good, almost normal, everything I dreamed of. And other days are so bad I just don't know why I am here.
I had so much I wanted to do this weekend and I am mad at myself for not fighting through the depression and getting it done. I hope I can turn it around the rest of this week.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Safe and sound
Well after a considerable delay, DP was able to continue on and they all arrived at their destination this morning safe and sound with our crunched car. My sister-in-law is staying home today to take care of DS while DP and nephew get some sleep. We are currently on our lunch break from class and I am going to call and see how everyone is. I hope we get out of class early - my dog is still sick and I hate that he is alone all day.
I did not sleep well last night at all - I called my family on the road every few hours. It was the only way to stay sane.
That angel in heaven, my mother-in-law, sure came through for us again!!
I did not sleep well last night at all - I called my family on the road every few hours. It was the only way to stay sane.
That angel in heaven, my mother-in-law, sure came through for us again!!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Accident
So as I was typing that last post DP, nephew, and my dear baby were sideswiped in a hit-and-run on the highway just outside Baltimore, MD. They called me minutes after I hit the "publish post" button. Thank God, a thousand million times Thank God, no one was hurt and the car is drivable so they can continue on.
I know now that there is no chance that I will sleep tonight. In fact I'm going to be a wreck until I see my child again. I definitely need to go to church on Sunday and light a candle.
Thank you God for being with them tonight and continue to keep them safe. Please.
I know now that there is no chance that I will sleep tonight. In fact I'm going to be a wreck until I see my child again. I definitely need to go to church on Sunday and light a candle.
Thank you God for being with them tonight and continue to keep them safe. Please.
Not too many posts after all
Well my meeting went longer than expected today so I just went home afterwards. DP just called - she decided to follow the GPS map in the car and somehow they got off of 95 in Baltimore. They are headed back because the other way is wwwaaaaayyyy out of the way. She is definitely directionally challenged because she also went the wrong way just getting from out house to 95. They probably won't get "home" until after 2 am which does not make me feel good with the baby in the car and the adults having no sleep.
The house is strangely silent and empty. I'm glad I have the dogs for company. I have homework to do for class tomorrow so I guess I'd best get busy reading. It's going to be a long night keeping up with the travellers and their progress north.
One of my dogs is still sick. We are adjusting his diet again to see if that will help. I'm glad I have class tomorrow - it will be another short day for the dogs. They are used to DP being at home to put them out all day. Well, there's alot to do so I'd best get to it! I have to get my clothes ready and make lunch AND finish my homework! Yuck.
Did I mention that it is quiet and lonely here? I'm going to miss my little cuddle bug and his bedtime routine which we would have been starting in a few minutes...
The house is strangely silent and empty. I'm glad I have the dogs for company. I have homework to do for class tomorrow so I guess I'd best get busy reading. It's going to be a long night keeping up with the travellers and their progress north.
One of my dogs is still sick. We are adjusting his diet again to see if that will help. I'm glad I have class tomorrow - it will be another short day for the dogs. They are used to DP being at home to put them out all day. Well, there's alot to do so I'd best get to it! I have to get my clothes ready and make lunch AND finish my homework! Yuck.
Did I mention that it is quiet and lonely here? I'm going to miss my little cuddle bug and his bedtime routine which we would have been starting in a few minutes...
All alone
Well DP just called and they are on the highway headed "home". Last night my brother-in-law was rushed from the hospice home to the hospital - they think he has an infection. So we moved the departure up by one day. Luckily I had most everything ready to go last night so I just went ahead and made the the food for the cooler and did that last load of laundry. It was a long night - got to bed around 11 pm only to have a thunder storm roll through that woke up the baby. He was in our bed until 2 am. I slept through the alarm this morning and was 1/2 hour late for work. Ugh, I'm never late, but being late and having a sick day all in one week makes me feel like a slacker.
Anyway DP and DS are headed up interstate 95 to Washington, DC as I write. They will pick up nephew and continue north towards "home". There is this part of me that feels relief - I'll hopefully have some peace for a week and get a few things done. But this other part of me feels so empty and alone. And of course nervous for them driving until they meet up with our nephew. We didn't get alot of sleep last night and it will be a long day and part of the night driving. I'm feeling very emotional right now...I'll probably post too much today and not get much done at work!
Anyway DP and DS are headed up interstate 95 to Washington, DC as I write. They will pick up nephew and continue north towards "home". There is this part of me that feels relief - I'll hopefully have some peace for a week and get a few things done. But this other part of me feels so empty and alone. And of course nervous for them driving until they meet up with our nephew. We didn't get alot of sleep last night and it will be a long day and part of the night driving. I'm feeling very emotional right now...I'll probably post too much today and not get much done at work!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I'm still here and still married
Things exploded Monday night and it was very bad. I'm going to write about it eventually, but I guess I'm still processing it and still trying to figure out if it was a dream. But I think it was real since I stayed home from work yesterday to recover from it all. I'd been thinking about making my blog public again but just enabling comment moderation so no one can post anonymously. It's still bothering me that I don't know who left that comment so I could reply to them. But after Monday, I don't think I can continue to write the truth and allow people to see it. I'm in a very strange situation, the kind you think happens to other people. But never to you. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to stay in a bad relationship. But is it bad? Why do I someohow believe that it's not that bad and that it is just my fault, that if I were just a little bit better we would not have these problems. When did I become this co-dependent person who does not think she can do better or deserve better? What is wrong with me? Am I that afraid to be alone that I am willing to stay with something that is less than perfect?
DP and the baby are leaving to go home on Friday so I'll have more time to write. At work it is sometimes hard to let the feelings flow because I have to keep the tears in check. It's probably time to let DP know that I have a blog, but clearly I can not permit her to read it. I want some privacy and I know she would want to read it.
So Monday night was tough and long and I am still shell shocked by the events. But somehow we are still together and I'm okay.
DP and the baby are leaving to go home on Friday so I'll have more time to write. At work it is sometimes hard to let the feelings flow because I have to keep the tears in check. It's probably time to let DP know that I have a blog, but clearly I can not permit her to read it. I want some privacy and I know she would want to read it.
So Monday night was tough and long and I am still shell shocked by the events. But somehow we are still together and I'm okay.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Monday, Monday
So it was a nice weekend overall. But it did not start out great! I left early and drove home into a thunderstorm. DP was freaking out because the dogs were down in the kennels and she couldn't leave the baby alone to go get them. I sure wish she would relax about that. She's way too paranoid about people and animals and trees being struck by lightening. We can't not live our lives expecting a great catastrophe. She was really stressing me out - she kept calling me and I could see the sky and I was rushing through the errands as fast as I could.
So anyway I got home and the first storm had passed but I could hear more thunder so I rushed to bring the 4 outside dogs to the crates we keep in the garage for cases of bad weather. Well on the 4th and final dog, smart old me apparently stepped on a nest of hornets. Thankfully I was the only one stung and I only got stung 2 times. It would have been once but one bug got in my shirt and stung me after I got back in the house! Thank goodness too that I am not allergic. We are having a terrible bee and japanese beetle bug problem this year! And of course DP and I fought a little Friday night because she was doing nothing to help me clean and get ready fro company!
But then the kids arrived and we had a great time. All the commotion of their arrival woke the baby up so we let him get up and he was so happy to see everyone. We gave him a snack, all watched a movie that they had brought the baby and then we all went to bed. Saturday we had a lovely day of fishing and Sunday we went to the lake and then to a kids place where they have those bounce houses. It was alot of fun! The kids stayed over last night too and are driving home today. I wish I didn't have to work today but it was my day to cover orientation activities so I had no choice! DP is going home this weekend to help her sister. She is leaving Friday with the baby and will pick her nephew up in DC along the way and then he'll take the bus home. DP and DS will stay the week with her sister. We did talk to nephew about the baby thing ans he claims he still wants to do it. I haven't seen the official start of AF so it could be perfect timing for the first weekend in August if DP can get back by then. Nephew says he is free that weekend. So let's see how the next couple of days turn out with that timing. It would be great if DP could pick him up on her way home and then I'd only have to fly him back or put him on the bus.
DP is getting freaked out about all she has to do in order to go away. Again, she makes a mountain out of a molehill. All she has to do is cut the grass and take the garbage to the dump. I will do all the laundry and all the packing for them. DP really gets overwhelmed easily by stress and chaos and she has a hard time dealing with death and all this is because BIL is dying of cancer. All these trips home are not for happy things.
The dog is sick again, he's probably going to have to go back to the vet tomorrow. I'm waiting for them to call me now. And this afternoon I am leaving right after my presentation. I hope I get done early. Last week was so brutal that I'm really nervous to stand up in front of another group of people!!
Money, or the lack of it, is really stressing me out. We spent a little too much this weekend and although I knew DP was going to go home for a week, I had no idea when. I only get paid once a month so I am not going to have any money for another 10 days. This trip home will probably cost us a few hundred in gas plus food for her and the baby for the week. Plus DP doesn't like to look poor in front of her family. And we just lent her other sister some money and paid for alot for the kids this weekend. It's funny, nephew and DP are so clearly related...they act the same about everything. Did I say how much I hate that we have to live paycheck to paycheck? I've got to cut our expenses!!
So anyway I got home and the first storm had passed but I could hear more thunder so I rushed to bring the 4 outside dogs to the crates we keep in the garage for cases of bad weather. Well on the 4th and final dog, smart old me apparently stepped on a nest of hornets. Thankfully I was the only one stung and I only got stung 2 times. It would have been once but one bug got in my shirt and stung me after I got back in the house! Thank goodness too that I am not allergic. We are having a terrible bee and japanese beetle bug problem this year! And of course DP and I fought a little Friday night because she was doing nothing to help me clean and get ready fro company!
But then the kids arrived and we had a great time. All the commotion of their arrival woke the baby up so we let him get up and he was so happy to see everyone. We gave him a snack, all watched a movie that they had brought the baby and then we all went to bed. Saturday we had a lovely day of fishing and Sunday we went to the lake and then to a kids place where they have those bounce houses. It was alot of fun! The kids stayed over last night too and are driving home today. I wish I didn't have to work today but it was my day to cover orientation activities so I had no choice! DP is going home this weekend to help her sister. She is leaving Friday with the baby and will pick her nephew up in DC along the way and then he'll take the bus home. DP and DS will stay the week with her sister. We did talk to nephew about the baby thing ans he claims he still wants to do it. I haven't seen the official start of AF so it could be perfect timing for the first weekend in August if DP can get back by then. Nephew says he is free that weekend. So let's see how the next couple of days turn out with that timing. It would be great if DP could pick him up on her way home and then I'd only have to fly him back or put him on the bus.
DP is getting freaked out about all she has to do in order to go away. Again, she makes a mountain out of a molehill. All she has to do is cut the grass and take the garbage to the dump. I will do all the laundry and all the packing for them. DP really gets overwhelmed easily by stress and chaos and she has a hard time dealing with death and all this is because BIL is dying of cancer. All these trips home are not for happy things.
The dog is sick again, he's probably going to have to go back to the vet tomorrow. I'm waiting for them to call me now. And this afternoon I am leaving right after my presentation. I hope I get done early. Last week was so brutal that I'm really nervous to stand up in front of another group of people!!
Money, or the lack of it, is really stressing me out. We spent a little too much this weekend and although I knew DP was going to go home for a week, I had no idea when. I only get paid once a month so I am not going to have any money for another 10 days. This trip home will probably cost us a few hundred in gas plus food for her and the baby for the week. Plus DP doesn't like to look poor in front of her family. And we just lent her other sister some money and paid for alot for the kids this weekend. It's funny, nephew and DP are so clearly related...they act the same about everything. Did I say how much I hate that we have to live paycheck to paycheck? I've got to cut our expenses!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Insane posting
Four posts in one day - how crazy is that? I'm bored with work and procrastinating. Ah, Monday is a new day, a new week, start fresh right? I'm leaving at 4 today to go get some more special diet dog food for our sick dog, who by the way is much better today! And nephew is definitely coming this weekend with his girlfriend so I have to scurry home and clean up the mess I left last night. DP wants to go to the beach tomorrow. We have about $500 until the end of the month. Gas to the beach and back will be a pretty penny. Ugh. And here I am about to get AF - no fun at the beach. I wasn't quite sure when to expect her since when nephew blew us off 2 weeks ago I just stopped logging on to FF and charting. For the first time in about 3 years, I actually don't know what CD I am on. DP did tell me I should have a private talk with nephew this weekend. Let's see how it goes. I need some answers. I am so glad it is Friday. This has been a tough week getting back to work after such a long vacation. DP seems like she's in a good mood today. I hope it lasts. I wish we could just go to the lake and not all the way to the beach...it's such a long drive. And I know I'll get stuck doing all the work. At least nephew's girlfriend is fat like me so I won't be the only whale on the beach in that damn girlie suit DP bought me. I told her I wanted men's swim shorts that came to my knees and a tank top. If Tammy Lynn Etheridge can wear that to the beach why can't I? But DP likes me girlie and I'm really not butch. If I were not so fat I wouldn't care. But a man's swim shorts would cover more - that's all.
Okay, it will be a lovely weekend - no negative attitude allowed!
Okay, it will be a lovely weekend - no negative attitude allowed!
Just so ya know
Okay so I copied this off a blog I read:
Fifty things you didn't know about me. At least I don't think you do.
1. Do you like blue cheese? No
2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Tried it in high school - did not like it at all.
3. Do you own a gun? No
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? They closed all the Sonics in my area.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yes
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Fenway Franks and Hebrew National are all I like!
7. Favorite Christmas Song? Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Iced mocha
9. Can you do push ups? Um, like no, but I could when I was thin!
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? The saphire DP gave me and the pearls my Nana gave me on my 16th birthday.
12. Favorite hobby? gardening
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? I wish!
14. Do you have ADD? Not officially but I'll bet I do a little...
15. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? I'm a little bit lazy...
16. Middle name? Ugh, why, oh why did my mother choose Louise?
17. Three thoughts at this moment: TGIF, TGIF, TGIF - that's how happy I am it's Friday.
18. Three things you bought yesterday. Salad, green onions, coffee cream.
19. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Water, soy milk, juice.
20. Current worry right now? Money
21. Current hate right now? That I don't know why I couldn't get pregnant a second time.
22. Favorite place to be? At home.
23. How did you bring in the New Year? At home with DP and son - watched Tila Tequila on MTV.
24. Where would you like to go? France, Italy and Puerto Rico, but really if I had the money I would like to go to Venezuela and see my best friend from college again.
25. Name three people who will complete this. Tammy is the only one who could...
26. Who's answer do you want to read the most? Well, obviosuly only one is going to answer....
27. What color shirt are you wearing? Salmon
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No
29. Can you whistle? Yes
30. Favorite color? Depends - I like to wear black (it's slimming - lol) but I like to decorate in earth tones.
31. Would you be a pirate? No, I'm too honest.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I actually don't sing in the shower.
33. Favorite girl's name? Lourdes Marie
34. Favorite boy's name? Michael Anthony because that is my son's name. But Dominick Jospeh if I had another.
35.What's in your pocket right now? Nothing
36. Last thing that made you laugh? My son - howling with the dogs!
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Pink flowers
38. Worst injury you've ever had? My broken foot was bad, but my water breaking at 31 weeks was worse!
39. Do you love where you live? It's fine for now, the beach would be better though.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3
41. Who is your loudest friend? Carmen
42. How many dogs do you have? 6
43. Does someone have a crush on you? ummmm...no
44. If you could marry a movie actor/actress who would it be? Melissa Ethridge
45. What is your favorite book? Little House on the Praire series
46. What is your favorite candy? Dark chocolate M & M's
47. Who is your favorite sports team? Boston Red Sox
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Good Lord what a question! Eagle's Wings.
49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Sleeping
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? Ugh, can I call out today?
Tammy - your turn please!!
Fifty things you didn't know about me. At least I don't think you do.
1. Do you like blue cheese? No
2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Tried it in high school - did not like it at all.
3. Do you own a gun? No
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? They closed all the Sonics in my area.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yes
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Fenway Franks and Hebrew National are all I like!
7. Favorite Christmas Song? Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Iced mocha
9. Can you do push ups? Um, like no, but I could when I was thin!
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? The saphire DP gave me and the pearls my Nana gave me on my 16th birthday.
12. Favorite hobby? gardening
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? I wish!
14. Do you have ADD? Not officially but I'll bet I do a little...
15. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? I'm a little bit lazy...
16. Middle name? Ugh, why, oh why did my mother choose Louise?
17. Three thoughts at this moment: TGIF, TGIF, TGIF - that's how happy I am it's Friday.
18. Three things you bought yesterday. Salad, green onions, coffee cream.
19. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Water, soy milk, juice.
20. Current worry right now? Money
21. Current hate right now? That I don't know why I couldn't get pregnant a second time.
22. Favorite place to be? At home.
23. How did you bring in the New Year? At home with DP and son - watched Tila Tequila on MTV.
24. Where would you like to go? France, Italy and Puerto Rico, but really if I had the money I would like to go to Venezuela and see my best friend from college again.
25. Name three people who will complete this. Tammy is the only one who could...
26. Who's answer do you want to read the most? Well, obviosuly only one is going to answer....
27. What color shirt are you wearing? Salmon
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No
29. Can you whistle? Yes
30. Favorite color? Depends - I like to wear black (it's slimming - lol) but I like to decorate in earth tones.
31. Would you be a pirate? No, I'm too honest.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I actually don't sing in the shower.
33. Favorite girl's name? Lourdes Marie
34. Favorite boy's name? Michael Anthony because that is my son's name. But Dominick Jospeh if I had another.
35.What's in your pocket right now? Nothing
36. Last thing that made you laugh? My son - howling with the dogs!
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Pink flowers
38. Worst injury you've ever had? My broken foot was bad, but my water breaking at 31 weeks was worse!
39. Do you love where you live? It's fine for now, the beach would be better though.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3
41. Who is your loudest friend? Carmen
42. How many dogs do you have? 6
43. Does someone have a crush on you? ummmm...no
44. If you could marry a movie actor/actress who would it be? Melissa Ethridge
45. What is your favorite book? Little House on the Praire series
46. What is your favorite candy? Dark chocolate M & M's
47. Who is your favorite sports team? Boston Red Sox
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Good Lord what a question! Eagle's Wings.
49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Sleeping
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? Ugh, can I call out today?
Tammy - your turn please!!
To Tammy
Just a quick little post in honor of Tammy - since I made my blog private, she is the only one reading it. But she reads it faithfully and gives me encouragement and advice. And she doesn't know me from a hole in the wall. But she still cares about me. She is truly amazing and I want her to know that I really appreciate the support and I look forward to her posts and comments each day! We've walked a similar path the past year and although we've never met, I feel somehow connected by our shared experiences.
Tammy is going to be TTC this month and I'm asking God to please bless Tammy and Mark this month with their dream of having a baby.
Tammy is going to be TTC this month and I'm asking God to please bless Tammy and Mark this month with their dream of having a baby.
Another example of hypocrisy
So last night at bed time, I was walking to our room carrying the sick dog's bed (he wants to be in the same room with us so we've been moving the bed around) and in the other hand I had a bottle of water. Some of the baby's toys were in the hall and a sippy cup was on the floor in the foyer (we have a downstairs master bedroom and it is off the front hall foyer). I walked right by it all and into the room. DP was headed out the front door to smoke and she says to me "Nice, walk right over the baby's cup and don't pick it up." Right then and there I called her out. It was the first I'd seen the cup and my hands were full. I had every intention of going back to pick it up and take it to the sink. She on the other hand had already been out 2 other times to smoke since the baby had gone to bed, meaning this was now the THIRD TIME she walked over it without picking it up. I let her know she was an f-ing hypocrite. When I came down from putting the baby to bed I went right at the bottom of the stairs to the living room and kitchen. I never headed through the foyer to the bedroom until we went to bed. Otherwise I would have picked it up and not walked over a cup of milk that can sour THREE TIMES like someone else did. And the only reason I walked past it the first time is because MY HANDS WERE FULL.
I was too tired to do anything last night. The kitchen is a mess. I got up early today and started to empty the dishwasher, but I still had to shower and iron clothes so I left the house with a sink full of dirty dishes. I'm sure I will hear about it!! I hate doing it, leaving a mess, but I was so tired, really in slow motion last night and this morning. I almost called in today but I prefer to save my time for when I really need it!
Will write more later, got to start work!
I was too tired to do anything last night. The kitchen is a mess. I got up early today and started to empty the dishwasher, but I still had to shower and iron clothes so I left the house with a sink full of dirty dishes. I'm sure I will hear about it!! I hate doing it, leaving a mess, but I was so tired, really in slow motion last night and this morning. I almost called in today but I prefer to save my time for when I really need it!
Will write more later, got to start work!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Just the facts
DP is a hypocrite. Example number one - when my mom called on Tuesday to invite us out DP said no, we had too many chores to do. When HER NEPHEW called yesterday and said he wanted to come down this weekend she said yes and promised to take him to the beach on Saturday to fish and to the lake on Sunday. So when the hell are the chores gonna get done eh?
There will be more examples to come.
But before I go too far with the bashing I have to say that I do think DP has serious psychological issues which my contribute to her strange behavior. Doesn't forgive her, just helps one understand and forgive shortcomings. And she is a very good cook. I want her to try out for the next food network star show. And she's not very selfish, at least not in the ways that I am. And she's unhappy. She's complicated, life with her is complicated, but would life alone really be better?
There will be more examples to come.
But before I go too far with the bashing I have to say that I do think DP has serious psychological issues which my contribute to her strange behavior. Doesn't forgive her, just helps one understand and forgive shortcomings. And she is a very good cook. I want her to try out for the next food network star show. And she's not very selfish, at least not in the ways that I am. And she's unhappy. She's complicated, life with her is complicated, but would life alone really be better?
Just a few additional random thoughts
So I'm probably going to have a lot of not so nice things to say about DP over the next few posts and I'll probably write in circles, but I want to make an effort to get alot of things out in the open. And although this is my blog and I could say whatever I want, I am going to make every effort to be honest about my own faults and shortcomings. It's only fair to provide full disclosure. That anonymous comment I had is still bothering me because it exposes some very real truths, things I can't or don't want to face - and I need to. I'm not sure this will bring me any answers or the courage to act on anything I discover. But since I can not afford therapy, my blog is all I have. It's gonna be all the good, bad and ugly - but it will be honest!
I've decided to re-read a book I have on Lesbian couples. Certainly the dynamics of a female/female relationship are different and unique to that of a male/female relationship. It's funny how the chapter I read last night talks about really looking for the good in your partner and complimenting them about it even in spite of the bad. Funny because I'm about to spend a few posts just getting all the negative out!
Last night dinner was not ready when I got home so my whole night time routine was delayed by 1/2 hour. Of course I don't schedule myself by the minute, with the sick dog, the morning routine is a little different too. It was just a general ball park kind of thing and listing it all out was really just to show all the things I do to prepare for my day versus what I also did for DP when she was working and how none of it is now done for me. I will say that last night's chores consisted of washing and folding just one load of laundry and sweeping the dog hairs in the garage. And of course cleaning up after dinner and the mess of the day. Each night I try to do the required maintenance and then at least one thing to get some of our remodel mess cleaned up. But since DP has yet to finish the trim and the floor in the bedroom closets, I can't put anything back in them. I was too tired to take on anything else and went to bed at 10 and read for a bit. DP was on the phone with her sister and I tried to wait up for her but finally just went to sleep. The baby was up crying during the night so I am dragging my ass today. I so wanted coffee and a sandwich at McD's this morning but I held out to save the money. But now I am starving and sleepy!
I've decided to re-read a book I have on Lesbian couples. Certainly the dynamics of a female/female relationship are different and unique to that of a male/female relationship. It's funny how the chapter I read last night talks about really looking for the good in your partner and complimenting them about it even in spite of the bad. Funny because I'm about to spend a few posts just getting all the negative out!
Last night dinner was not ready when I got home so my whole night time routine was delayed by 1/2 hour. Of course I don't schedule myself by the minute, with the sick dog, the morning routine is a little different too. It was just a general ball park kind of thing and listing it all out was really just to show all the things I do to prepare for my day versus what I also did for DP when she was working and how none of it is now done for me. I will say that last night's chores consisted of washing and folding just one load of laundry and sweeping the dog hairs in the garage. And of course cleaning up after dinner and the mess of the day. Each night I try to do the required maintenance and then at least one thing to get some of our remodel mess cleaned up. But since DP has yet to finish the trim and the floor in the bedroom closets, I can't put anything back in them. I was too tired to take on anything else and went to bed at 10 and read for a bit. DP was on the phone with her sister and I tried to wait up for her but finally just went to sleep. The baby was up crying during the night so I am dragging my ass today. I so wanted coffee and a sandwich at McD's this morning but I held out to save the money. But now I am starving and sleepy!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The roller coaster that is my life
So last night my mom leaves a message and she wants to take the baby for ice cream on Sunday. Mind you things are rocky, but we had that big talk and I thought things would get better. Should have known that it wouldn't be that easy. DP still hates her. She says the talk does not make everything all better. Okay fine, but give the woman some credit for calling ahead of time and asking if we were free. But there is DP still complaining about how the message was left, what she thinks my mom's intentions are, what an idiot she is to think hanging in an ice cream parlor would be fun for a 2 year old. Again I say gee, at least the woman is making an effort. Right away DP says no we won't go. I'm sick of her deciding what I can and can not do with my son. So last night was a little rough. Then today she calls me at work to say that nephew called and wants to come visit this weekend. Hmmm. His dad is the one dying of liver cancer and supposedly he was depressed and didn't want to talk to anyone and that's why he blew us off. Okay, I get it, I'm not heartless, I do understand. But anyway...
But me the agreeable one says of course I don't mind if he comes over. Then DP brings up the plans my mom wants to make. She surprises me by suggesting that we meet my mom someplace where the baby will have more fun. But first she wants to go to our favorite lake to take the baby to swim and meet my mom and dad later in the day. I think it's a grand idea. So this is what I mean, why I am so torn. DP can have these wonderful moments where she can compromise fairly. It will be a great day. But why did she have to be so ugly last night? I'm starting to wonder if DP has some strange mood disorder. Little by little here in my blog I hope I can make sense of it all. I ramble I know, but I'm just trying to get it all out there.
One of our dogs is really sick. He was at the vet all day yesterday - he was vomiting and had diarrhea. He ended up having to get IV fluids, had a bunch of test, but they can't find anything. He's resting at home today but still not looking good. I have a nice vet thought and we've already talked today and they actually think he's on the mend. So we'll see. I have to keep calling with his stats - amount he tries to eat and drink, bathroom trips, etc to determine if he needs to go back for more IV fluids or x-rays. He's a nervous dog and they had to give him a sedative to work on him so he's still a bit loopy. Poor little thing - he was badly abused before we took him in and even with all our love he has issues.
Okay so here's some more venting: DP thinks she does everything around the house. She's always been that way. I thinks she has self esteem problems and builds herself up with lies and by putting others down. Here's my day:
5:20 am - alarm goes off, hit snooze and listen to weather and traffic on tv
5:30 am - second alarm, get up, go potty
5:35 am - start taking dogs out, 2 inside dogs go potty one at a time out back, must wait with them, one is small, the other hates to be alone, then take 4 big dogs out, if they are going to kennels on a nice day must walk them down one at a time on leash because they fight, clean up poops in each kennel, clean and fill water buckets every other day (conserving water due to drought), walk to and from house and kennels 4 times. if they are staying in because of bad weather, put each dog out one at a time on tie out. fill water dishes and luckily between each dog other morning duties can be completed. otherwise they are done after kennel runs.
6:10 am - start or finish other morning duties depending on dogs, these duties are, put lunch together, put out dp's pills (wich she could take the little weekly pill cases out of the cabinet herself but she can't, vent, vent), make dp coffee and bring to her in bed, make sure sink is clean, give dogs treat and pills for nervous dog.
6:20 am - hopefully by now heading to shower, quickly shower, wash hair every other day to conserve water, brush teeth, deoderant, face cream, hair gel and tie long hair up in clip, quick makeup to hide rosacea red face otherwise i would skip it, dress, perfume, shoes
6:40 am - must be pulling out of driveway by this time otherwise if i hit every red light i will not make bus, lipstick applied while car warms up
6:55 am - arrive to bus parking lot
7:02 am - bus leaves
7:30 am - arrive at work, work all day, take 30 minute lunch and eat at desk unless meeting a friend
5:00 pm - go to bus
5:40 pm - arrive at parking lot if no traffic
6:00 pm - usually home by this time, go in house, kiss baby, change clothes, bring dogs in from kennels if outside and feed, or feed and put out if they were inside, pick up poop in yard if needed
6:30 - pm sit down to dinner if dp has cooked, prepare plates and serve dinner if it is leftovers, eat and feed baby
7:00 pm - play with baby
8:00 pm - baby bedtime, change, brush teeth, read stories, cuddle
NOW START SECOND JOB
8:00 pm - 11 pm - clean kitchen from dinner which will also include breakfast and lunch dishes that dp leaves there even though she is at home all day, empty dishwasher, refill, clean counters, make lunch and put in fridge for next day, serve dp coffee and dessert and pills, prepare clothes for next day, put all dogs out around 9, attend to chores needing to be done such as laundry, vacuum, etc.
11 pm - 5:20 am - sleep with tv on because dp rules, toss and turn, wake up when tv is turned up louder or dogs bark or baby cries, listen to dp snore
Now, when dp was working and I was at home....here was dp's morning:
2:15 am - wake up dp when my alarm goes off, get up and make her lunch and coffee while she goes potty and smokes and showers and dresses in clothes that i have ironed and prepared the night before or that morning, put out inside dogs, and sometimes outside dogs if they wake up (they sleep in garage)
3:00 am - dp leaves for first shift job at airport, I go back to sleep before baby was born, after baby was born, well then he was getting up for a feeding
Notice a difference? When I was at home I took care of everything so that dp could sleep extra since she had a long commute. I got up with her and helped her have a good morning and get out the door. What does she do for me now that she is at home? Nothing. I got a job as a nanny after she went back to work and I still got up at 2:15 and would go back to bed and get up at 7 to take care of the dogs and myself before I went to work at 9. After the baby was born I lost my job and then went back to work at a new one 3 months later. When we were both working I had to do my whole current morning routine plus get the baby fed and ready and take him to daycare before work. I had to get up at 4 am those days because it takes time to do day care drop off and I had a longer commute then.
So does the division of labor seem fair here on the weekdays? DP stays in bed until the baby gets up. At night she goes to the couch right after dinner and does not move until bed. During the day she does very little. I'll write about weekends tomorrow...almost time to catch the bus and start my second job.
But me the agreeable one says of course I don't mind if he comes over. Then DP brings up the plans my mom wants to make. She surprises me by suggesting that we meet my mom someplace where the baby will have more fun. But first she wants to go to our favorite lake to take the baby to swim and meet my mom and dad later in the day. I think it's a grand idea. So this is what I mean, why I am so torn. DP can have these wonderful moments where she can compromise fairly. It will be a great day. But why did she have to be so ugly last night? I'm starting to wonder if DP has some strange mood disorder. Little by little here in my blog I hope I can make sense of it all. I ramble I know, but I'm just trying to get it all out there.
One of our dogs is really sick. He was at the vet all day yesterday - he was vomiting and had diarrhea. He ended up having to get IV fluids, had a bunch of test, but they can't find anything. He's resting at home today but still not looking good. I have a nice vet thought and we've already talked today and they actually think he's on the mend. So we'll see. I have to keep calling with his stats - amount he tries to eat and drink, bathroom trips, etc to determine if he needs to go back for more IV fluids or x-rays. He's a nervous dog and they had to give him a sedative to work on him so he's still a bit loopy. Poor little thing - he was badly abused before we took him in and even with all our love he has issues.
Okay so here's some more venting: DP thinks she does everything around the house. She's always been that way. I thinks she has self esteem problems and builds herself up with lies and by putting others down. Here's my day:
5:20 am - alarm goes off, hit snooze and listen to weather and traffic on tv
5:30 am - second alarm, get up, go potty
5:35 am - start taking dogs out, 2 inside dogs go potty one at a time out back, must wait with them, one is small, the other hates to be alone, then take 4 big dogs out, if they are going to kennels on a nice day must walk them down one at a time on leash because they fight, clean up poops in each kennel, clean and fill water buckets every other day (conserving water due to drought), walk to and from house and kennels 4 times. if they are staying in because of bad weather, put each dog out one at a time on tie out. fill water dishes and luckily between each dog other morning duties can be completed. otherwise they are done after kennel runs.
6:10 am - start or finish other morning duties depending on dogs, these duties are, put lunch together, put out dp's pills (wich she could take the little weekly pill cases out of the cabinet herself but she can't, vent, vent), make dp coffee and bring to her in bed, make sure sink is clean, give dogs treat and pills for nervous dog.
6:20 am - hopefully by now heading to shower, quickly shower, wash hair every other day to conserve water, brush teeth, deoderant, face cream, hair gel and tie long hair up in clip, quick makeup to hide rosacea red face otherwise i would skip it, dress, perfume, shoes
6:40 am - must be pulling out of driveway by this time otherwise if i hit every red light i will not make bus, lipstick applied while car warms up
6:55 am - arrive to bus parking lot
7:02 am - bus leaves
7:30 am - arrive at work, work all day, take 30 minute lunch and eat at desk unless meeting a friend
5:00 pm - go to bus
5:40 pm - arrive at parking lot if no traffic
6:00 pm - usually home by this time, go in house, kiss baby, change clothes, bring dogs in from kennels if outside and feed, or feed and put out if they were inside, pick up poop in yard if needed
6:30 - pm sit down to dinner if dp has cooked, prepare plates and serve dinner if it is leftovers, eat and feed baby
7:00 pm - play with baby
8:00 pm - baby bedtime, change, brush teeth, read stories, cuddle
NOW START SECOND JOB
8:00 pm - 11 pm - clean kitchen from dinner which will also include breakfast and lunch dishes that dp leaves there even though she is at home all day, empty dishwasher, refill, clean counters, make lunch and put in fridge for next day, serve dp coffee and dessert and pills, prepare clothes for next day, put all dogs out around 9, attend to chores needing to be done such as laundry, vacuum, etc.
11 pm - 5:20 am - sleep with tv on because dp rules, toss and turn, wake up when tv is turned up louder or dogs bark or baby cries, listen to dp snore
Now, when dp was working and I was at home....here was dp's morning:
2:15 am - wake up dp when my alarm goes off, get up and make her lunch and coffee while she goes potty and smokes and showers and dresses in clothes that i have ironed and prepared the night before or that morning, put out inside dogs, and sometimes outside dogs if they wake up (they sleep in garage)
3:00 am - dp leaves for first shift job at airport, I go back to sleep before baby was born, after baby was born, well then he was getting up for a feeding
Notice a difference? When I was at home I took care of everything so that dp could sleep extra since she had a long commute. I got up with her and helped her have a good morning and get out the door. What does she do for me now that she is at home? Nothing. I got a job as a nanny after she went back to work and I still got up at 2:15 and would go back to bed and get up at 7 to take care of the dogs and myself before I went to work at 9. After the baby was born I lost my job and then went back to work at a new one 3 months later. When we were both working I had to do my whole current morning routine plus get the baby fed and ready and take him to daycare before work. I had to get up at 4 am those days because it takes time to do day care drop off and I had a longer commute then.
So does the division of labor seem fair here on the weekdays? DP stays in bed until the baby gets up. At night she goes to the couch right after dinner and does not move until bed. During the day she does very little. I'll write about weekends tomorrow...almost time to catch the bus and start my second job.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Back from vacation
Well, I'm really back from my "staycation" since we didn't go anywhere - lol! We did go to the lake and we did go fishing. We had alot of rain so we didn't get to do too many outdoor things. DP's nephew blew us off - so there was no baby making - and the timing did turn out to be perfect. He didn't call to say he wasn't coming and didn't answer the cell phone or return any messages. I mentioned this could happen, but it hurts all the same. DP has finally talked to him but did not talk about him blowing me off - she said it was our arrangement and I just can't be bothered discussing it with him. I don't want anyone to know how hurt I am and with things the way they are, it's just better to let it go. He's called my cell a couple of times and I just politely say hi and pass the phone. I have no desire to talk to him.
I'm not very happy to be back at the stress of work, yet somewhat relieved to get a break from the stress at home. There's just so much going on and I am so confused and torn about which way to turn and which way to go.
My darling son continues to torment and amuse us with the terrible two's. Yesterday he locked DP out of the house when she went to take out the garbage. Somehow she managed to talk him into unlocking the door. What really concerns me is the amount of times she leaves him unattended. I noticed this quite a bit while I was on vacation. She will just go out to smoke or do something and just leave him in the house. She also napped most afternoons on vacation so I think I now have a pretty good idea of what goes on while I am not at home and I don't like it. The baby has also learned to howl like one of our dogs which leaves me in hysterics. We have this mournful Rottweiler and he will howl like he's just lost his best friend. Now the baby mimics him when he does it. Temper tantrums have been almost daily now, but super nanny's naughty step technique has been very effective.
It's a life of highs and lows from one minute to the next. I need some space to clear my head. DP may be going "home" again soon and will take the baby with her. Her sister needs help moving now that her husband has entered hospice care. As much as I don't want to be away from the baby, I need some serious time away from DP to clear my head and decide what to do.
I'm not very happy to be back at the stress of work, yet somewhat relieved to get a break from the stress at home. There's just so much going on and I am so confused and torn about which way to turn and which way to go.
My darling son continues to torment and amuse us with the terrible two's. Yesterday he locked DP out of the house when she went to take out the garbage. Somehow she managed to talk him into unlocking the door. What really concerns me is the amount of times she leaves him unattended. I noticed this quite a bit while I was on vacation. She will just go out to smoke or do something and just leave him in the house. She also napped most afternoons on vacation so I think I now have a pretty good idea of what goes on while I am not at home and I don't like it. The baby has also learned to howl like one of our dogs which leaves me in hysterics. We have this mournful Rottweiler and he will howl like he's just lost his best friend. Now the baby mimics him when he does it. Temper tantrums have been almost daily now, but super nanny's naughty step technique has been very effective.
It's a life of highs and lows from one minute to the next. I need some space to clear my head. DP may be going "home" again soon and will take the baby with her. Her sister needs help moving now that her husband has entered hospice care. As much as I don't want to be away from the baby, I need some serious time away from DP to clear my head and decide what to do.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Counting down
I'm counting down the minutes until vacation - yay! Even though there is alot to do at home and I'm tired and getting worked up about not getting it done - I am so happy to be having this break away from the office. I need it so much. I am really, really going to try to stay off the computer and enjoy my company. I'll need to keep up with FF charting but I'll do my best to stay out of my work e-mail.
The baby had his follow-up at the ENT. They think he's done well as far as the ears and tubes, but are concerned about the nasal swelling. They want to try a nasal inhaler for a month and see how he does. At least they agree that the stuffiness is not normal. So let's see how it goes. I need to find a tumbling class for the little monkey because he is now trying to swing himself between the couch and coffee table like gymnasts do on the parallel bars. The other night he was up crying - teething? bad dream? and snuggled with me in bed for a bit. I'm sleeping in the office on a little twin bed and DP is on the couch while the new floor goes in. There was no other place to move our bed except to stand it up against a wall. I pray we are done tonight - I miss my room!
The baby had his follow-up at the ENT. They think he's done well as far as the ears and tubes, but are concerned about the nasal swelling. They want to try a nasal inhaler for a month and see how he does. At least they agree that the stuffiness is not normal. So let's see how it goes. I need to find a tumbling class for the little monkey because he is now trying to swing himself between the couch and coffee table like gymnasts do on the parallel bars. The other night he was up crying - teething? bad dream? and snuggled with me in bed for a bit. I'm sleeping in the office on a little twin bed and DP is on the couch while the new floor goes in. There was no other place to move our bed except to stand it up against a wall. I pray we are done tonight - I miss my room!
The mess and the stress
We stayed up until 1 AM working on the bedroom floor. It's slow going when you are new at it! I'm so sleepy right now - I got up late and did not have time for breakfast or coffee either at home or on the road on the way to meet the van. What a mess we have in the house and everyone starts arriving tomorrow. First it will be nephew and hopefully he'll help us out some tomorrow. SIL arrives Friday, nephew's GF arrives Saturday and then they both go home Sunday night. SIL's GF arrives Tuesday and I'm not sure when they are going home, Friday maybe. Nephew and GF want to come back that weekend as well. My other SIL and her kids were supposed to drive down Tuesday but I think gas prices are going to keep them at home.
The house is a mess, the painting is not done in the kitchen and of course the bedroom floor. And once all that is done and the construction supplies put away, then I have to clean the house. I think tonight and tomorrow will be very long days! If my brother hadn't been such a jerk, the floor would have been done this weekend and I could have used each night this wek to do laundry, clean bathrooms, etc. I'm going to need to make a list of what absolutely needs to be done before each guest arrives. Having a list might help me!
So last month it looks like I ovulated very early and I was hoping for the same this month since nephew will be here tomorrow. So far it's not looking good. Is it a sign? I haven't lost any weight and fell out of walking on the treadmill after the first week. I wish I could figure out how to get out of the vicious circle. I'm overweight and I don't sleep well at night. I'm too tired in the morning to excercise before work - I get up at 5:20 as it is to take care of the animals and get myself ready to leave the house at 6:35 to catch the van. Work is so stressful, I'm tired when I get home at 6 and then I have the dogs, dinner, and the baby until bedtime. Now it's 8 or so and I then have to get ready for work the next day - make lunch, iron clothes, dogs out before bed. When am I supposed to excercise. Yet if I lost weight I know I would feel so much better. So anyway, is it safe to be pregnant and so fat? I know another obese woman (worse than me) and she got pregnant and then had a preemie like me. Are fat people more prone to problems. I don't know - I should google it.
I guess I'd better go do some work and maybe hunt down some coffee and breakfast!
The house is a mess, the painting is not done in the kitchen and of course the bedroom floor. And once all that is done and the construction supplies put away, then I have to clean the house. I think tonight and tomorrow will be very long days! If my brother hadn't been such a jerk, the floor would have been done this weekend and I could have used each night this wek to do laundry, clean bathrooms, etc. I'm going to need to make a list of what absolutely needs to be done before each guest arrives. Having a list might help me!
So last month it looks like I ovulated very early and I was hoping for the same this month since nephew will be here tomorrow. So far it's not looking good. Is it a sign? I haven't lost any weight and fell out of walking on the treadmill after the first week. I wish I could figure out how to get out of the vicious circle. I'm overweight and I don't sleep well at night. I'm too tired in the morning to excercise before work - I get up at 5:20 as it is to take care of the animals and get myself ready to leave the house at 6:35 to catch the van. Work is so stressful, I'm tired when I get home at 6 and then I have the dogs, dinner, and the baby until bedtime. Now it's 8 or so and I then have to get ready for work the next day - make lunch, iron clothes, dogs out before bed. When am I supposed to excercise. Yet if I lost weight I know I would feel so much better. So anyway, is it safe to be pregnant and so fat? I know another obese woman (worse than me) and she got pregnant and then had a preemie like me. Are fat people more prone to problems. I don't know - I should google it.
I guess I'd better go do some work and maybe hunt down some coffee and breakfast!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Busy, busy
I haven't had much time for writing lately. I'm getting ready to go on vacation and there are a few things at work I'd like to finish up. I'm going to try and take a real vacation and not one of those "I'll check in from home" type vacations. Even though I am staying at home. The family is coming to us for THEIR vacation. I'm guessing we'll do some day trips (can't go overnight, no one to mind the dogs) but we'll have to see how gas prices are. It's so sad that there used to be a time when we would just jump in our cars and go - cheap - flying was the luxury. Now even driving 2 hours to the beach is going to cost us 2 tanks of gas - $120. Geesh.
My brother blew us off for the bedroom floor and now we are doing it ourselves - but it is slow going. He was pissed that when he showed up on Saturday we did not have the room empty and the carpet up. I said we would try. I had to work all week, DP had cut her hand, we were going to need more help. He stormed out of the house and left. He called me after a bit to bitch at me. We each ended up hanging up on each other. Oh well. We've learned to do alot ourselves. We can install this floor too.
But it has put us way behind on getting done before the company arrives. It's gonna be some long nights!
On the TTC front, looks like when nephew is here I'll still be a little on the early side, but since fresh supposedly lives longer, maybe they'll hang around in there for a few days!!?? I hope so. I figure it is worth a shot anyway. But with some bad news on the NW board from an older woman like me, I'm praying that my little one ovary will still produce some good eggs!! But you know what, I'm putting it in God's hands now.
I've been working on another post as a result of my anonymous comment...one of these days I'll finish it. But too bad that person won't see it! It's so unfair to judge when you don't know the whole story. But I will tell it here, eventually.
My brother blew us off for the bedroom floor and now we are doing it ourselves - but it is slow going. He was pissed that when he showed up on Saturday we did not have the room empty and the carpet up. I said we would try. I had to work all week, DP had cut her hand, we were going to need more help. He stormed out of the house and left. He called me after a bit to bitch at me. We each ended up hanging up on each other. Oh well. We've learned to do alot ourselves. We can install this floor too.
But it has put us way behind on getting done before the company arrives. It's gonna be some long nights!
On the TTC front, looks like when nephew is here I'll still be a little on the early side, but since fresh supposedly lives longer, maybe they'll hang around in there for a few days!!?? I hope so. I figure it is worth a shot anyway. But with some bad news on the NW board from an older woman like me, I'm praying that my little one ovary will still produce some good eggs!! But you know what, I'm putting it in God's hands now.
I've been working on another post as a result of my anonymous comment...one of these days I'll finish it. But too bad that person won't see it! It's so unfair to judge when you don't know the whole story. But I will tell it here, eventually.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
