I'm here

I'm here and totally stressed out. I went to pay for the car repairs the other day and realized my credit card had expired in August and I have not gotten a new one. I had to pay the $500 out of my checking account which now leaves us with $100 until pay day next week and no credit card to fall back on. I tried to get the bank to do a balance transfer but it takes 4-6 days and I can't do it on-line without the new card which will take up to 14 days. I'm in charge of the finances and DP is going to have a fit. We live paycheck to paycheck and all our savings are gone from TTC. I don't know if we can make it until next week on 100 bucks. I think I have enough dog food and gas to just make it. And we should be okay with diapers. She may need cigarettes but instead of buying a carton we could just buy a couple of packs to get her through. I think we could do it, the problem is admitting it to DP because money (or I should say our lack of it) is a huge problem for us. I suck at managing the money so I don't know why I do it. I plan to turn it over to DP, but I had hoped to get us back in a little better standing before I did. I just can't take the stress anymore.

My mom is driving me crazy. My aunt is going to be in town again this weekend and I told my mom we were busy. We have plans Saturday and Sunday I leave for a conference. So that didn't sit well with my mom when I said I wouldn't be able to see my aunt. She called back to say how about dinner Friday night. Like I can squeeze one more thing in. I work all day. I have to pack. I'm tired. The baby has the flu and now DP and I are both feeling sick so I am just going to call my mother and tell her no. I'm so fed up with all the stress of everything.

I don't know what to do. I want to cry. I'm so overwhelmed and depressed. I don't know why we are having another baby - what was I thinking? How on earth are we going to afford all this? Why did I have to spend all our money on fertility treatments? I wrote off over $19,000 of medical bills on my taxes last year. We drained both savings account like total fools spending all our money on sperm and doctors and medications. Before I found NW I was paying $500 a vial for sperm.

I am truly going over the edge from the pressure and the stress and of course the hormones. And I dread having to tell DP we have to spend no money unless necessary until my paycheck hits on Tuesday. But I'm going to be selfish here and blame some of it on her since I try to tell her when we don't have money for things and then she doesn't listen and says I never buy her what she wants. So yes, even though we're in a bad spot, she's going to have to take over. I never spend money, never ask for anything. I need new contacts and new glasses but I make do. My clothes are getting a little tight but I'm making do. I need new underwear but I'm making do. I can live like a pauper but DP can't. But we are paupers. It's so sad that we are barely getting by. But gas has doubled since I went back to work. The weekly food shopping is more.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want another fight. I don't have the energy. Pray she's okay with what I have to tell her.

It's Friday

And I'm going home early!! They called to say the car was ready so I'm leaving early to go take care of that and get an early start to the weekend! It's perfect weather here today. Sunny and no humidity. These are my favorite kinds of days.

It's been a bad day at work with employee issues all around. I have an employee who has called in sick 3 days this week, but managed to get herself to an already paid for training yesterday. This after having been on vacation for 3 days. It has now been over a week. But there is nothing I can do because our crappy new Administrative Assistant still has not completed our office policies that we gave her 5 months ago so I can't even require a doctor's note. This same Admin. didn't place our paper order 2 weeks ago and I found out today that I won't have my brochures for my seminar next week. The same Admin. had the nerve to be ugly to me today because I e-mailed the bosses about it. Well, too bad, my boss isn't happy with the Admin. either and wanted it all in writing.

On the baby front - the nausea is back to almost 24/7. It must be a girl because this baby is causing way more problems than my son did. I'm so hormonal - there has got to be extra estrogen running through my veins - lol!!

On the home front, I knew the good feelings could not last and Wednesday night there was a lot of yelling on DP's part and crying on mine. First of all I was feeling like crap and then she started in about my mother and I just snapped. But again, there goes the hypocrite in her and let me tell you, she can snap whenever she wants, but how dare I speak to her in the same way. But I think we are over it. Things were better yesterday. I've been trying to do more of my share around the house and that has helped. Now if only I could find a way to handle the issue with my family. If I could just find where the happy medium is. But DP is so unpredictable - you never know what about my mom might set her off.

Am I horrible? Will God punish me for wishing I didn't have these parents? How do you choose between the people in your life? I'm just so much happier with DP's family.

Baby you take my breath away

Need I say more? One perfect baby, with one perfectly glorious beating heart. Praise God!

A few pics

Nervous

I'm getting so anxious for tomorrow. I've been busy at work this morning and that has helped to pass the time quickly, but now the afternoon is slowing down. Last night before bed I felt the worst nausea I've experienced so far. I had to go to bed at 9:30 just so I could rest. I took some Tums for heartburn and it all passed within a half an hour. It's 1 pm now and the same feeling is setting in again. It's also a rainy day and that always makes me extra sleepy. Yesterday I was able to get out at lunch for a 20 minute walk and that did boost my energy for the afternoon so I want to try and keep that up. I would have gone today but I don't feel like walking in the rain - I should though because I'm so sleepy and I do have my umbrella. It should only be a few more weeks with the nausea. With DS it passed soon after the second month. The fatigue I'm afraid will be here to stay.

We enrolled DS in a place called The Little Gym. He's been to two classes and has learned to jump which he now does constantly. I will try to upload some photos from my phone. We are also trying some potty training. He will actually pee on the potty if you make him sit there long enough, but he won't tell us when he has to go. I just don't think he's truly ready, but it doesn't seem to hurt to start showing him the routine of it all. He does like to sit on his potty when we are going potty ourselves which I guess means he's kind of getting it. It's funny. Having a two year old is a blast, really!!

Weekend Update

Wow, there's been a lot going on lately and since I hadn't felt like writing much, I feel like I have a lot to say today. First, in last weekend's paper there was a really horrible article about our county's sheriff and the Mexicans that live in our community. He said some really horrible and racist things. There has been a lot of backlash and I heard today that he was fired on Friday. I can't find anything about it and he is an elected official so I'm not sure if he can be fired or not. But he should be. There is no place in society today for the things he said. But it would be nice if he was fired Friday. In class on Friday we watched MLK's "I have a dream" speech. It always moves me to tears. It would be very fitting that a southern bigot be removed from his post on the very day I watched that speech again.

I can't believe that Wednesday is the big day! I can't wait to see the baby and get that reassurance that everything is okay!! I hope I'm really busy the next two days and that the time passes quickly. I'm working from home Wednesday so I probably won't be able to update until Thursday. I'm looking forward to seeing how my weight is. Except for this weekend, I think I've done pretty well watching what I eat. This appointment will tell me if I am on the right track or not. If I've gained then I'll need to make adjustments.

I was going to post today that it had been a whole week without a fight between DP and I and a whole week in which she refrained from using that nasty tone and ugly words. I can post that there hasn't been any fighting, but yesterday she blew it and was ugly. We had gone to run some errands and to fill our gas tanks. We stopped for a bite to eat. She ate as we were driving and I was trying to feed bites to our poor child. When we got to the gas station she needed my help - why I do not know - and I kinda of fussed about having to get out of the car and help her. I mean, geesh, she ate, and the poor kid was hungry and stuck in his car seat. I really didn't want to be handling the gas pump and then be feeding him. She was pissed about struggling with the gas cans so she let me have it. I just told her to stop it. But at least we didn't fight this week. Every night I've tried to make sure the basic chores are done and I think that has helped. I haven't had the energy to do extra, but I think she noticed my efforts. This weekend we did errands and I took a nap both days. We watched a movie Saturday night and got pizza - which I had been dying for. We didn't get any projects done. It was really hot and we had all we could do to keep up with the daily chores. The bedroom floor is almost done and I really need to push us this week. We've got to get the downstairs back in order so we can start on the office. That room either needs to become the new baby's room or a big boy room for DS. The time will be here before we know it. And that office holds all the stuff I never know what to do with! It's beyond time to get organized.

Gas prices here are insane again because of the hurricane. I'm so worried about our budget. It's getting harder and harder and I don't know what else to do. I'm taking the van pool, buying store brand whenever I can, using coupons. We don't go out - if we eat out it's cheap buffets or pizza and we don't do it every week. I take my lunch to work. I'm not sure what else we can cut. I think the cable is going to be next and quite possibly the vet plans for the dogs. I hate to do that - it's not fair to them to not take them to the vet. Also, I'm going to make DP take over the budgeting and bill paying. She never listens to me when I say we don't have the money for something. Maybe this will make her see how bad it can get. I just can't take the stress anymore. Maybe she should help and stop smoking. Cigarettes used to be cheap here in tobacco land, but not anymore!! It's becoming tough for the middle class. I don't really have anything left to give up as far as vices go since I already stopped with the nails and the hair appointments. My last thing I have to give up is my Clinique makeup and perfume. I'm ready to switch to Walmart makeup, but I don't know about the perfume. We'll see.

In Memory

I'll never forget September 11th. I was living in Boston, just a quarter mile from the airport and right in a flight path. I probably heard and saw the fated jets take off that day. But I wouldn't have noticed because by then we had been living there so long that the sound and sights of the jets were interwoven into the fabric of our being. I ventured downtown that morning and found the streets eerily quiet - probably because everyone was glued to television and radio. But I had a therapy appointment and so I drove downtown. But the building was being evacuated. Apparently the Israeli Consulate was located in that building and there was fear that it would be attacked. There was a lot of fear that day. I drove home in shock. I was still married at the time and my husband worked at a major hospital. He called to say they were being held over on emergency status, they were preparing for the casualties that would surely be airlifted shortly throughout New England. For a brief moment I was proud of Boston's world class hospitals. How wonderful that we would be able to help. The children in our town were sent home from school. And then the plane hit at the Pentagon, the plane crashed in PA, the towers fell in front of our eyes. And a palpable pallor fell over the city of Boston. For the first time in 10 years the sky was empty. The constant roar of jets and traffic was now replaced by silence. The jets were grounded, everything and everyone came to a stop. The F16's took to the air. From my porch I would watch them as the circled the city, turning wide as they cruised along the harbor and up the coast and coming back again around the west side of the airport. My husband called to say he would be coming home. Their would be no airlifts, no lives to save. We gathered in the street with the neighbors to talk and to pray, not knowing what else to do with ourselves. We lit candles and cried. We called every person we knew with a connection to NYC to make sure they and their families were safe. We flew the flag from our porches, attached flags to our cars, and we prayed some more.

God Bless our brave soldiers who are fighting this war on terror and God Bless the men and women and families of September 11th. I will never forget.

What to do?

I went to bed early again last night. For the last 2 nights I have rushed through my evening chores so that I could get into bed early. Monday night I slept really well and did feel refreshed in the morning but of course it did not last. Last night DP woke me up twice. Once because I was snoring and once because I was on my back. I should add here that I am trying to sleep on my left side only in preparation for the months to come. I like to sleep on my tummy. That won't work for much longer and by the 4th month or so you have to be careful about sleeping on your back because of blood clots or something like that - read that when I was pg with DS. So anyway, I figured if I started now, by the 4th or 5th month I'll be used to it. Well it is not working. If my body has to sleep on it's side, then it wants it to be the right side not the left! But I read that the left is better for lowering BP. Anyway, last night I still got some sleep although I would have had more if someone had not woken me up.

So now here I am at work and the 2 PM hour is creeping up and so is the nausea and the fatigue. I don't know what to do. My office is the size of a matchbox and no one around here closes their doors (we don't have full walls due to security cameras) so closing my door will be suspicious. I don't know how to get some discreet rest. Of course my boss would support anything I need which is nice. I guess it's just the part about hiding it from the staff since I don't plan to disclose the pregnancy until I have to. I have a folding camp chair that I am going to try out at home this weekend to see if I could nap in it. I think it will fit in my office and then I can just close it up and stick it in the corner. I have a travel pillow and blanket too. Just with no full walls people might hear me snore and I'll bet the big boss will be able to see me on the cameras. That will be freaky. But what am I going to do? If the fatigue keeps up I will have no choice and if people find out sooner than I want them to then I'll just have to deal with it.

I can't wait for next week's appointment. I'm sure it will put me at ease on a lot of things.

Fatigue

You know that overwhelming fatigue that can hit you when you have a cold or the flu or something? Well this is the second day that it has hit me right around 2 PM. I feel like I could just melt into a bed for a nap! Too bad I'm working!

I felt much better this morning, but as it is with illness, as the day wears on, you feel worse. DP is making homemade soup for supper. Yum and a natural medicine for me too. Chicken soup cures all ailments!!

I started taking my prenatal at night because the nausea seems to hit right after I take it. I read that the prenatal can cause nausea in some women. But then DP said you should take it with food so I'll have to ask the doctor next week. Also, I saw that you can take 50 mg of B-6 to help with nausea. Well my vitamin has that and it sure doesn't help! Now the nausea is setting in around 2 PM instead of being from 10 -2. Go figure.

I don't know what to do about getting some rest during the day at the office. But I'll tell you right now, I'm longing for my bed!!!

A Cold

I think I'm coming down with a cold, or maybe having a flare up of allergies. I've just got that "feeling". Scratchy throat, a little achy, chills here and there, foggy head. I hope whatever it is, it doesn't get any worse than what I feel right now.

There is so much I want to write about, but I think I'm going to lay low for the next week or so. I'm getting anxious for the 8 week ultrasound and writing doesn't help. It just makes me focus on it more. Or maybe it's because I'm feeling blah and crappy that keeps me from being inspired. But I just can't relax. Some days I don't feel pregnant like I did with DS. I'm not as tired, my boobs don't hurt that much. The nausea is a here and there kind of thing. Maybe I'm just not remembering correctly. I did have an easy pregnancy with DS. My ovary is hurting today and of course any pain in the uterine area sends me into a panic.

I had a full blown panic attack on the bus ride home last week. I haven't had one in ages. I used to suffer from debilitating panic attacks. So much so that I was on medication for a while and could barely leave my house. Lots of therapy and hard work has helped me and eventually the attacks went away. I think the stress of everything going on right now set this last one in motion. It was really scary and I was trapped on that van with all those people. I kind of feel one coming on now, but I am more prone to them when I'm not feeling well.

I'm sure after next week, I'll feel alot better!

Flutter, flutter

I think I felt the flutter of the baby yesterday. I felt something and I'm pretty sure it wasn't gas. I didn't quite believe it possible, but then I found a website that said you CAN feel the flutters as early as 6 weeks. With DS I didn't feel anything for a while, but then again, it was all new and I don't know what I SHOULD be feeling. But this time I recognized it. It has to be the baby! I can't wait for my ultrasound. I'm craving salty food this time around. With DS it was sweets. I have to watch out for both. With my weight I have to be concerned about blood pressure and blood sugar. I'm getting hungry all the time now too. I need to find some more low calorie snacks.

I love short weeks!

I've often wondered who invented the weekend. Why do we work 5 days and then only rest for 2? I think a 4-3 split would be so much nicer! I love 3 day weekends! It gives you one day for chores and shopping, one day to play, and one day to recover!

Things with DP are okay. Not great, but okay. I've come to accept the fact that we would have fewer problems if I were not so lazy. I am lazy. I hate chores and housework and anything that requires more than a minimal effort around the house. I'm not sure why this is. I do blame some of it on my weight. For the last 8 years I have been heavy. I was never heavy in my life before this. My body is tired. It's a lot of work to carry this weight around. After the baby I MUST take it seriously and get back into shape! I blame some on depression. It saps my energy and motivation at times. But the rest I blame on my "queen bee" attitude. I say that for lack of a better term. I was not born privileged, yet for some reason I think I deserve to be? I don't know quite how to explain it right. I guess I feel like I should not have to clean bathrooms since I work all day at a job away from the house to support us. I want to be rich so I can hire people to help me. I feel so awful saying that because I know there is more to life than money. But money would make my life easier. But then I think that would just make me lazier. Why do I think I shouldn't have to work hard? It's complex, these feelings, and I'm not sure I am explaining it all right. But regardless, what I KNOW is that I have to let go of my silver spoon fantasies and accept the fact that we are working class folk! Oh and of course there is the fact that I like to get my own way and am not at all good at compromise.

I do sound like a horrible person. No wonder DP gets on my case so much. So we kind of made up and had a fairly nice weekend. But then I got lazy at the end and the house was a bit of a mess when I cam back to work yesterday which left her feeling a bit annoyed. It's a vicious circle with us. DP and I both tend to need others to motivate us and we easily become down if the other is down. For example, Saturday we had a lot of storms and we decided to delay shopping until they passed. DS went down for a nap and at that point we SHOULD have done some housework. But DP has a cold and was resting on the couch so I decided to take a little rest too. Well that turned into a nap for all 3 of us! We just don't push each other. We give in to each other's weaknesses. DP claims to be a hard worker - and when she is working she is - but she can be just a lazy as the next guy. I just need to keep writing about it all. I need to get it all out before I can begin to put the pieces back together again.

It just shows more and more that I need 2 blogs - one for me and one for the good stuff. I fear I am holding back on the personal stuff because I don't want people to see the real me. Yet that defeats the original point of the blog.

On a happier note, I'm still in shock that I am pregnant. I am nervously awaiting that next ultrasound. I know it will bring some assurance that everything is okay. I'm still having waves of nausea here and there but for the most part I'm doing well. Now I need to get focused on what needs to be done to get ready for the baby. The time will pass quickly!