I am overwhlemed. I have to take on a new project at work - midway through - due to staffing cuts. Thankfully it is short term. But after that a new permanent responsibility may come my way. I am overwhelmed with my situation at home. DP. Two children. Too many dogs. Many financial worries.
Today DP is mad at me because DS has a cough and I am not freaking out. She is a hypochondriac. You should hear her. A cough can be a sign of a heart condition. Good lord.
He's had it for 48 hours. Maybe he just has a cold. It's not all the time and mostly when he is laying down. Um, maybe it's just his allergies, you know post nasal drip, it is making him cough. She is at home and claims she can not handle DS and DD at the doctor together. The one time she did it, she was overwhelmed. Yet staying home is her job. I have a full week at work this week. I may have a desk job and "sit on my ass all day" as she claims. But I'm still busy. I have 2 meetings for this new project - I have to get up to speed now. And I am taking Monday off. I do not have any extra PTO to take my son to the doctor. I know that sounds horrible. If I were a single mom, I would find the time. What I'm saying is the SAHM needs to take him to the doctor and learn to deal with having 2 kids.
So she hung up on me because I flat out told her I do not think this is an emergency and I don't need to haul him off to the doctor. I already took him a week ago because she was convinced he had ringworm. Um yeah, he has dry skin, probably a bit of eczema. And July 1 my co pay goes from $15 to $30. And money is tight. I would do it if he were really sick. But come on, it's really not that bad, really.
But here I am trying to clear my schedule so I can take the child to the doctor because God forbid. And then I'll be pissed when it was nothing. Am I a bad mom for wanting to wait and see if he gets worse? To not want to spend the time and money if it is nothing?
Why doesn't she get it? I don't know how much more I can take of this. I really don't. I want to run away. Sometimes I even think I want to die. But I love my kids and need to be here for them. But really, I am at the end of what I can take. I can actually now physically feel the weight of my life pushing me down. I can feel it beating me into the ground.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Still Here
I'm still here, still plugging away at life! I've been so very busy at work - I had hoped to catch up on reading and writing by now! Thank you to everyone who has left a supportive comment or e-mailed me. I really appreciate it!
Thing with DP are the same. The good news is that DD seems to be getting over some of her tummy troubles and is actually sleeping for 4-5 hours at a time at night. She's also been sleeping on her back and not in the car seat or strapped to my body while I sit up in a chair! In another week I think we may be able to transition her to the crib! We started giving her gripe water which we had also given DS. A friend found it locally for us - we had never seen it anywhere but a specialty store in town - 45 minutes away and had just been to dang tired to drive up there. The doctor also changed us from Zantac to Prilosec for her.
I'm glad to be busy at work - another person in my office lost their job so it is good to be busy and needed these days.
One of these days I hope to have more time for writing!
Thing with DP are the same. The good news is that DD seems to be getting over some of her tummy troubles and is actually sleeping for 4-5 hours at a time at night. She's also been sleeping on her back and not in the car seat or strapped to my body while I sit up in a chair! In another week I think we may be able to transition her to the crib! We started giving her gripe water which we had also given DS. A friend found it locally for us - we had never seen it anywhere but a specialty store in town - 45 minutes away and had just been to dang tired to drive up there. The doctor also changed us from Zantac to Prilosec for her.
I'm glad to be busy at work - another person in my office lost their job so it is good to be busy and needed these days.
One of these days I hope to have more time for writing!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Pictures - the early days
Sleeping through bath
Too cute
In the hospital
Sleeping before colic sets in
First bath hours after being born
Cindy
If anyone can let Cindy at a Bunch and a Bunch know I'd like an invite to her blog...it's gone private since I've been away...
redsox_fan1968@yahoo.com
THANKS!
redsox_fan1968@yahoo.com
THANKS!
Update
It's been a long time....
I had my daughter April 17th via emergency c-section after 22 hours of a practically non-existent labor. My water broke Thursday night at 6 pm. We went to the hospital and the doctor I hate was on-call. I was no more along (3 cm) than I had been at my appointments. In fact I had one Thursdau morning and told them I was having cramps - no contractions, just cramps and that the baby was not moving. They put me on the monitors - baby fine, no contractions. Anyway, that is beside the point. So the doctor said we'd just let nature take it's course until morning. Yes, why rush things, she likes her rest. It's a known fact that this doctor is a bitch about coming out at night to deliver. The doctor I love found out I was admitted and was coming on call in the morning. He called in at 10:30 pm and took over my case. He said we would start pitocin if I did not have the baby by morning. Well of course I did not and to make a long story short, I spent all day on the pitocin and nothing. I made it to 5 cm. No pain, nothing. Finally around 3 pm ish I started getting some pain and figured I should go ahead and get the epidural. Nightmare. They couldn't get the catheter placed. By now my BP is 180/100 and when he said he was going to start over I said oh no you are not. So they gave me something in my IV that made me higher than a kite and cranked up the pitocin. And then the baby went into distress. They lost her heart rate. My doctor came in and I was still 5 cm and he thought she had moved back up. So with a flurry of activity I was off to the OR where I had to have a spinal and out came my daughter. 7 pounds 3 oz. She had a hard time breathing at first - it seemed like forever before she cried.
We stayed in the hospital for a week. I was having fevers of 101.5 and higher and they could not find the source of my infection - just knew that I had an elevated white blood cell count. And the baby was jaundiced. We started out nursing great but she had too many bottles in the hospital while I was sick so now I pump because she really refuses to nurse now.
She has reflux and colic now and we don't sleep. I had to go back to work after 3 weeks because I did not get any shared leave and my vacation and sick time were gone. And my boss wouldn't let me work from home any longer. Post partum depression set in around day 6 and I've never felt so awful in my life. I don't sleep, DP and I fight every day. Not a day goes by that I don't cry, get yelled at, get called names. Every day she tells me she hates me and she is leaving me. I did not fill the prescriptions for the pain meds and I had sleeping pills waiting to be picked up at the pharmacy that I did not go get. I am so depressed that I knew I could not have those pills in the house. My son is the only reason I keep going every day. I don't feel at all bonded with my daughter. I feel like she is a stranger living in the house.
I feel so terrible that this should be such a happy time and it is not. From one day to the next I don't know if I am going to end up alone. This has quickly become a very serious situation. No longer is it a question of DP and I just not getting along. For so long I have had hope that thinkgs could be fixed between DP and I and now I know they can not. Yes, we may be able to come to an understanding and live together for the sake of finances, the dogs and the kids for right now. But I see now that any kind of romatic love is gone and it will not be back. Now it is just a question of honoring and providing for the committments we made to the kids and animals.
I could go on and on about my complaints, but I also desperately want to find the positive in everything. I am blessed with 2 beautiful and healthy children. Things are hard right now, lack of sleep, etc. But it will pass. I know it will. My daughter smiled at me yesterday. That made me feel good - I know it is partly the PPD that is making it hard to bond with her. The smile warmed my heart.
I'm overwhelmed. I've been looking into how to get away and start on my own. Everywhere I turn there is a roadblock. I found semi affordable child care and an apartment nearby only to find out that there are some state laws limiting the amount of time an infant can be in care. I have an hour commute to work each day. I would need to drop the kids at day care when it opens and could not pick them up until closing 6:30 am - 6 pm because I work 8-5 but I could adjust 7:45-4:45 to make it home by 6. Well there is a 9 and 1/2 hour limit and anyway it kills me to think the kids would be there that long anyway with just a few hours with me before sleeping all night. What kind of life is that?
I'm a mess, don't know which way to go...
And I might just stop blogging, too much guilt...
I had my daughter April 17th via emergency c-section after 22 hours of a practically non-existent labor. My water broke Thursday night at 6 pm. We went to the hospital and the doctor I hate was on-call. I was no more along (3 cm) than I had been at my appointments. In fact I had one Thursdau morning and told them I was having cramps - no contractions, just cramps and that the baby was not moving. They put me on the monitors - baby fine, no contractions. Anyway, that is beside the point. So the doctor said we'd just let nature take it's course until morning. Yes, why rush things, she likes her rest. It's a known fact that this doctor is a bitch about coming out at night to deliver. The doctor I love found out I was admitted and was coming on call in the morning. He called in at 10:30 pm and took over my case. He said we would start pitocin if I did not have the baby by morning. Well of course I did not and to make a long story short, I spent all day on the pitocin and nothing. I made it to 5 cm. No pain, nothing. Finally around 3 pm ish I started getting some pain and figured I should go ahead and get the epidural. Nightmare. They couldn't get the catheter placed. By now my BP is 180/100 and when he said he was going to start over I said oh no you are not. So they gave me something in my IV that made me higher than a kite and cranked up the pitocin. And then the baby went into distress. They lost her heart rate. My doctor came in and I was still 5 cm and he thought she had moved back up. So with a flurry of activity I was off to the OR where I had to have a spinal and out came my daughter. 7 pounds 3 oz. She had a hard time breathing at first - it seemed like forever before she cried.
We stayed in the hospital for a week. I was having fevers of 101.5 and higher and they could not find the source of my infection - just knew that I had an elevated white blood cell count. And the baby was jaundiced. We started out nursing great but she had too many bottles in the hospital while I was sick so now I pump because she really refuses to nurse now.
She has reflux and colic now and we don't sleep. I had to go back to work after 3 weeks because I did not get any shared leave and my vacation and sick time were gone. And my boss wouldn't let me work from home any longer. Post partum depression set in around day 6 and I've never felt so awful in my life. I don't sleep, DP and I fight every day. Not a day goes by that I don't cry, get yelled at, get called names. Every day she tells me she hates me and she is leaving me. I did not fill the prescriptions for the pain meds and I had sleeping pills waiting to be picked up at the pharmacy that I did not go get. I am so depressed that I knew I could not have those pills in the house. My son is the only reason I keep going every day. I don't feel at all bonded with my daughter. I feel like she is a stranger living in the house.
I feel so terrible that this should be such a happy time and it is not. From one day to the next I don't know if I am going to end up alone. This has quickly become a very serious situation. No longer is it a question of DP and I just not getting along. For so long I have had hope that thinkgs could be fixed between DP and I and now I know they can not. Yes, we may be able to come to an understanding and live together for the sake of finances, the dogs and the kids for right now. But I see now that any kind of romatic love is gone and it will not be back. Now it is just a question of honoring and providing for the committments we made to the kids and animals.
I could go on and on about my complaints, but I also desperately want to find the positive in everything. I am blessed with 2 beautiful and healthy children. Things are hard right now, lack of sleep, etc. But it will pass. I know it will. My daughter smiled at me yesterday. That made me feel good - I know it is partly the PPD that is making it hard to bond with her. The smile warmed my heart.
I'm overwhelmed. I've been looking into how to get away and start on my own. Everywhere I turn there is a roadblock. I found semi affordable child care and an apartment nearby only to find out that there are some state laws limiting the amount of time an infant can be in care. I have an hour commute to work each day. I would need to drop the kids at day care when it opens and could not pick them up until closing 6:30 am - 6 pm because I work 8-5 but I could adjust 7:45-4:45 to make it home by 6. Well there is a 9 and 1/2 hour limit and anyway it kills me to think the kids would be there that long anyway with just a few hours with me before sleeping all night. What kind of life is that?
I'm a mess, don't know which way to go...
And I might just stop blogging, too much guilt...
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