What to do?

DP and I had another fight last night - well they are not really fights, they are usually just her venting about my mom and then telling me how things are going to be from now on. And then me crying because she doesn't understand what I am feeling and how complicated it is for me. It's never a discussion because she's beyond that point. There is no making her understand that this is my mother good or bad and I can't change it or make my mom change. I had a long talk with my brother over the weekend about how he handles things and that has almost made it worse. Now DP doesn't understand why I can't be like my brother since he stands up to my mom and doesn't feel the slightest bit of guilt for hating her. We had some pretty intense talks and I was amazed at how strong he is and how much of the same anger and bitterness we share. He does not know the details about my dad and I don't want to burden him yet with that horrible secret - someday perhaps when my parents are gone he and I will be able to discuss it. Maybe it's because he's had more years of practice that he can keep his distance so well and not allow my mom to guilt, manipulate or control him. He really changed his relationship with my parents when he was in college and they almost got a divorce. I think that is when the rose colored glasses came off for him. And that was 14 years or so ago! Geesh, I never had rose colored glasses when it came to my family. I just became adept and avoiding and pleasing.

There are days when I don't know if DP and I are going to survive and I wonder if I am better off alone with the baby. It is a very tough time right now. I am stressed 24/7. It feels like I have no peaceful places to go a seek refuge from it all. I'm so overwhelmed and depressed and that just makes things worse.

The baby has been cracking me up lately. The tubes really seem to have made a difference in his comprehension, although at almost 2 he still doesn't really say much. I worry constantly about it, but the doctors don't seem to think it is a problem. He loves to play basketball, which is quite a work out since we have to lift him up to toss the ball into the basket. And he's learned how to give a high 5. The cutest thing he does is when it is time to get up off the "naughty step" as we are down at his level (Super Nanny would be so proud of how we mastered the technique!) trying to explain why he was put there and what is expected, he's trying to kiss us as we are talking. He knows that we ask for "kisses and cuddles" at the end and then he gets to get up! So he's like hey, stop talking and get to the kisses. We crack up every time (Super Nanny would NOT be proud of that part!). He's also started bringing us a diaper or the wipes after he goes poopie so maybe we are getting close to starting the potty training - whoohoo!!

More later, maybe, got to get back to work!

Stressing Out

My birthday is Thursday and I have to go have lunch with my mom. She wanted to take me out this weekend and go to lunch and go shopping. I had to say no as we have other plans - you could tell she was annoyed. I offered to meet her at her work on my lunch hour instead. What can I say, it's MY birthday. Ugh, I hate to be alone with her - but we'll be in a public place so maybe she won't start anything. Overall there is just so much tension and I don't want to let her get to me.

And work is stressing me out too. TE got approved for FML so now we can't do anything about them being late and missing work. And my boss does not want to do a formal write up on the other issues because of the lawsuit and not wanting to appear that we are on a "witch hunt" - which I totally understand, but it still leaves me with a bad employee. I guess we are going to do some "coaching" instead and still get things documented to back up performace reviews at the end of May. TE won't be getting a good one again.

I really don't know what to do anymore about either situation. DP has been stressing big time too and we have been taking it all out on each other which I know is wrong but we get so stressed that we just snap. It's a whole lot of pressure! I read a blog and the woman posted something that I think has to do with her mother and it really moved me - I wish I could be so strong and keep my toxic mother out of my life. I wish I had someone to talk to who knows what I am going through - but luckily everyone I know has pretty good family ties. God Bless them for that - if I could be so lucky!!

My brother worked on the floor all weekend and it is almost done!! He thinks he can finish up on Saturday! And then he said he'd take one weekend off and then come back to put in the Pergo! I can't wait to get it all done!! We got a cherry tree over the weekend to plant - last year we planted a pear and an apple. The blueberries are looking good this year and we got all our herbs. Due to the drought I don't think we'll do veggies this year which makes me sad. But we are on a well and we need that water for bathing and washing clothes and for the dogs to drink! I hope it doesn't get too hot this month so we can work on the yard some. By June all we'll want to do is mow and trim quick!

Not much to say, but at least it's Friday

I haven't had tome to write - I had class and then work was busy yesterday. TE has been on time all week and may get denied FML - which I was hoping since TE was using it as an excuse for being late. When will TE realize that I will always be one step ahead and work closely with HR to make sure all is as it should be? I won't take lying and abuse of the system easily! I'm waiting for the final word from HR, but think that the fact that TE was on time all week is a clear indication that the FML was denied. We were working to write TE up for tardiness - been warned 6 times, I think it is time for something stronger! And there are some other issues, but I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the conflict in my life and as a major conflict avoider I just want to run away and hide!

DP has stewed all week about the brunch and finally exploded last night. It was awful and I spent most of the night crying. And then the baby was up twice during the night. It will be a long day at work. I don't know what to do about DP or my family. So many people break ties with their family when they are toxic. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do that. I can't please DP, can't please my mom. I hate conflict and although I am a good advocate for others, I never advocate for myself. I just allow toxic people around and let them control me. DP is trying to control this situation and that is not helping. I know she means well - she is trying to take the negative energy out of our lives and protect me. She just doesn't get the part about the guilt I have about feeling like I need to be a good daughter. I just want to have a normal, happy family. But instead I have all this hate and conflict, snide comments and hurt feelings, and everyone trying to take control. I feel like no one is listening to how I feel. My mom wants it her way and DP wants it her way. I don't know what to do, confront my mom (scary and although I don't like her I don't want to hurt her - strange because she hurts me all the time) - but I don't think my mom will change. I could disown my family - extreme yes, but people do it all the time.

I'm going to lose DP if I don't do something because she can't take the stress anymore. But it's not fair that people are forcing me to choose between them. I just don't know what to do!!

I did it!

Well, I can't believe I did it - I talked to DP's nephew about being a fresh donor for us. He said yes! I'm swamped at work and have no privacy to talk on the phone here so I can't even tell her. Nephew and I talked via IM and DP's not logged on right now. We of course have not worked out any of the details and I'm cautiously optimistic as nephew has let me down once in the past. But a yes is a start and means we can move forward to the planning stage!

Had a meeting at HR yesterday about TE and it went well and gave me hope - until I came in today and faced new problems and issues. It never ends and it is about to get worse!

I hate Mondays!

Especially after a nice weekend! We relaxed and hung out on Saturday. There was a big fight on HBO (DP loves boxing) so I had to go and get the fight snacks and we stayed up watching that! Sunday was the horrible brunch where my aunt made alot of side comments, clearly expressing her annoyance with the situation. She insisted on paying too, which bugged us, especially after the comments my mom made the other day. Aunt kept saying things like "you should sit so you can at least see your grandson" since we had to sit at a long table and DP and I were going to put the baby between us so we could feed him and keep him entertained. And Aunt kept insisting on refering to my mother as "grandma" when we clearly refer to her in the spanish "abuelita". Aunt also seemed put out that the baby didn't want anyone but his moms to hold him. Geesh - he's almost 2, he's at that age and since we never leave him with anyone, he's a little bit shy. Aunt was pissed too that we took off right after bruch. What did she expect? We clearly stated we would meet for brunch. We had other plans for the rest of the day. My brother surprised us and has been calling the baby by his spanish nickname which of course all of DP's family does. My family insists on calling him by his american birth name. They have no respect for his heritage or how we are choosing to raise him. Our son loves coffee - why I don't know except to say that it must be the Puerto Rican in him! So we give him a splash of DP's decaf (already diluted with milk and sugar) in his milk. He loves it! Well Aunt can't give any credit to the fact that although DP doesn't have that biological connection, they do share Puerto Rican genes...she right away had to comment that it couldn't be the Puerto Rican in him, it had to be because my whole family loved coffee flavored syrup in our milk when we were kids. Hate to break it to ya Aunt, but there's a big difference! My child drinks real coffee because he's Puerto Rican. He'd drink it black if we let him!

Gosh, I know we sound mean and cold, but if people could only understand what we've been through with this family. My dad was surprisingly quiet. He's gotten worse (Alzhiemers) and I know it won't be long before he forgets us.

We went to a fun place with the baby after brunch and had a nice family afternoon. We passed an ice skating center that we did not know about and now we might all get skates (I took lessons as a child - DP has NEVER been on skates) and go ice skating for another fun family event! I like ice skating better than roller skates so it should be fun. I think the baby is big enough for candle pin bowling now too so I'm going to find a place for us to go. He's so much fun now - it's a perfect age!

Work is work and it's a long way to Friday! I have class and meetings this week so at least I don't have to be in the office all day, everyday. It's nice to get around campus now and again! TE is notreally talking to me - guess they are not happy about all the problems I've been discovering.

I'm leaving early today for a meeting and then I have an errand to run for DP which I hope won't take too long so I can get home a bit early! I always miss my family a little bit extra on Mondays!

Facts from my training

Copied from the HRC's website which I hope was not illegal to do:

1. Same-sex couples live in 99.3 percent of all counties nationwide.

2. There are an estimated 3.1 million people living together in same-sex relationships in the United States.

3. Fifteen percent of these same-sex couples live in rural settings.

4. One out of three lesbian couples is raising children. One out of five gay male couples is raising children.

5. Between 1 million and 9 million children are being raised by gay, lesbian and bisexual parents in the United States today.

6. At least one same-sex couple is raising children in 96 percent of all counties nationwide.

7. The highest percentages of same-sex couples raising children live in the South.

8. Nearly one in four same-sex couples includes a partner 55 years old or older, and nearly one in five same-sex couples is composed of two people 55 or older.

9. More than one in 10 same-sex couples include a partner 65 years old or older, and nearly one in 10 same-sex couples is composed of two people 65 or older.

10. The states with the highest numbers of same-sex senior couples are also the most popular for heterosexual senior couples: California, New York and Florida.

These facts are based on analyses of the 2000 Census conducted by the Urban Institute and the Human Rights Campaign. The estimated number of people in same-sex relationships has been adjusted by 62 percent to compensate for the widely-reported undercount in the Census.
(See “Gay and Lesbian Families in the United States: Same-Sex Unmarried Partner Households” on http://www.hrc.org/.)

Happy Friday

I am so glad that it is Friday! Troublesome employee called out sick today. Funny, TE did this last week on Thursday and Friday which, like this week, are the two most beautiful days of the week with a crappy weekend forecasted. Nice. And other manager spoke to their TE and that person won't be disciplined because they have a different version of the story. So I'm not sure what will happen with my TE. I may have to take the discipline back? I am going to see HR next week to discuss. This office has major drama from hell and I don't do drama. Come to work, get the job done, go home to a fullfilling family life. That's how I like it.

My aunt called last night to see if we could meet for bruch on Sunday. Guess they got the message that I'm not backing down. She did ask "I assume you are bringing the baby? And DP?" Like, why of course! WHy wouldn't I? What did she mean exactly by that question? I of course, being the avoider I am, did not ask. But I did get off the phone right after.

Why can't I have a normal, happy family? Why did something bad have to happen? I want to be like everyone else!

So anyway, family brunch at IHOP on Sunday and then mommies will take baby someplace fun to play afterwards for some nice family time!

It is so strange not TTC'ing this month. Temps are much lower without Clomid and EWCM had a strange pattern this month. Thought I felt O pain, but not sure as temps did not rise too much yet. Let's see. I need to get back to the sticks and my little microscope like I did before we went this crazy drug and doctor route. Now if I could just find fresh sperm! Still have not approached DP's nephew, but I'm goingto do it! Just tryingto find the right time and a convincing plea!

Good Training

The training class went well today and I'm officially a "safe" place for students. Next stop, mentor! I hope I can be the role model I never had. I think if I had been in a less homophobic environment I would have been able to come out alot sooner than I finally did!

I returned to the office to find no one there. Two of my staff were in a training class and troublesome employee decided she was ill and had to go home before I returned to the office. I've been alone all afternoon and just now one employee returned from class for the last bit of the day - the other took personal time and went home. I really don't think troublesome employee is that sick at all. She's constantly late to work, but knows how to use the system and has now cried illness and is putting in for FML which means we can't do anything to her for being late. It's the same reason why she sued us for discrimination. She got a bad review and knew it was the first step in us trying to let her go. Once you file discrimination you are "saved" by the no retaliation clause. It is a frustrating turn of events and who knows how long it will drag on. Our attorney says EEOC moves very slowly. But at least they are confident that we did nothing wrong and that troublesome employee has no case against us.

My mom and aunt did not call last night when my aunt arrived. I wonder if they will call tonight. I'm not looking forward to having to deal with this weekend visit at all. I'm working on confrontation issues at work - I avoid them with my mother though at all costs!

The baby went to the dentist yesterday. We took him to a pediatric dentist because he is almost 2 and has only 4 teeth. DP really liked the dentist - he turned out to be hispanic which I had not picked up on from his name. So he talked to the baby in spanish, but it didn't help! He still cried! They took x-rays and said his baby teeth are there and the adult ones too, but that the baby teeth still have not finished developing and not to worry, they are there and they will eventually come in. He also said not to worry that we still have to give him mushy food, even though the pediatrician said he has to learn how to chew. The dentist said he can not possible chew all solid food with no teeth and to remember we have to keep his nutrition up and not to worry about problems later. Gosh it's a tough balancing act with a preemie to do the right thing. Sometimes the need more time, but if you baby them you can hinder their development. I worry so much about doing the wrong thing! I need to relax and just let the baby be himself!

Oh, gosh we got great stats on gay people in class today. I'm going to post some of it here tomorrow. We did talk about how people are always curious about how we have sex. It's funny really. Why are people interested in that?

I see gay people

I have training today at work with the GLBT center on campus to become an Ally. I will get a placard to hang outside my office letting people know that I will always provide a safe place for anyone who needs it - GLBT or otherwise. According to the GLBT website, we have 1200 faculty and staff that identify as GLBT. I know of 3 of us. It just goes to show you that we are everywhere - you just can't see us because we don't fit the predjudicial stereotypes society has labeled us with. We happen to be normal, every day people, plugging along and trying to achieve the american dream just like everyone else. We're your neighbor, your nurse, your fireman, the person who sits next to you in church or drops their child off at daycare the same time you do.

I'm becoming an Ally not because I have a chip on my shoulder or have something to prove. I want to be the role model I never had when I was in college. I want to show young people that you can be yourself and proud no matter who you are.

I'm very excited about this!

Work was stressful yesterday. More personnel issues. I had to discipline one of my employees - the troublesome one of course. We had a training in the morning that was attended by two employees, myself and my boss. When the training ended my boss and I came right back to the office. The employees showed up 40 minutes later! And then later in the day I found out that the same employee has made a pretty bad judgment error that is going to cause us to have to go back over several months worth of work to correct the errors. Well, not us, her! I'm going to make her fix it all once I come up with a solution! And all this because I'm supposed to empower her and I let her handle something on her own that I truly felt confident she could handle! It always comes back to bite me in the ass with this employee! And to make matters worse, the other manager in the office has not disciplined her employee for taking unauthorized time. My supervisor told her she had to, but it hasn't happened yet almost 24 hours later!

Ok off to training and will write more later!

What a weekend!

It was a very emotional weekend. DP and I did alot of talking, I did alot of crying, but we were able to work few some issues, although not everything is resolved. I've been working on writing her a letter since it is easier for me to communicate that way. The biggest problem we are having is with my family. Both of DP's parents have passed away and her family is back in the state we consider "home". My parents live in the same state as us. I don't have a great relationship with them and I'm still kicking myself for moving here. I do much better when I am away from my family. Anyway, to make a long story short, I used to be married, to a guy. It took me a long time and alot of therapy to be okay with who I really am and to realize that everything I did in my life was to please a mother who couldn't be pleased. I got a divorce (so ugly and messy b/c he couldn't believe it) and I started dating DP. I wasn't working at the time so I had to sell out my interest in our house to the ex as part of the divorce settlement. I could not afford to buy him out. Because housing was sky high, I decided to move south to be near my family because I was scared and alone. DP's dad had just died, our relationship was new, but promising, so she decided to come with me. I had enough money from my house to get us something very nice in a less expensive part of the country. The problem is that my whole life my mom has controlled everything and living near her makes it worse. She does not treat DP the way she treated ex-DH. She just can't accept that my new life is the same, just with a woman instead of a man. It's worse with the baby because of course he is "mine" and not DP's because she has no BIOLOGICAL connection. My mother is so ridiculous. What if I had stayed living a lie and stayed with ex-DH and we had to adopt. Would it not be our child then? Of course it would because in my mom's mind you can only be married and have that status with a man! So anyway, there's more. My dad is not a good man. I found out some stuff about him 12 years ago that makes me hate him, hate my mom more, and I vowed at the time that he would never be allowed near a child of mine. But now he is very sick and when the baby was born I relented for a short time and we allowed my mom to watch the baby with strict orders that he was never to be alone with my dad. But then one day 18 months ago we asked my mom what she did with the baby when she went to the bathroom because we had the feeling that she left him in his play yard in the living room and would go in the bathroom and close the door therefore leaving the baby alone with my dad. Well that's exactly what she was doing and she got pissed that we asked. She said I didn't trust her and that DP did not trust her with MY child - ha! -right there she showed she has no respect for DP as an equal parent. Then she said we wouldn't have to worry about it anymore because the baby would never come to her house again. Well, DP has a very strong latin personality and you don't make threats with her. We've never gone to my mom's house since then. Then we had a huge fight on the phone a few weeks later. My mom made it all about poor her, stuck with my dad all these years and now caring for him. That she didn't know better all those years ago. Well all I can say is the whole damn family allowed me to grow up in a dangerous situation and it's no wonder I'm an emotional mess as an adult! So now we only see them in public places. Now DP can be controlling too - she hates my mom and we now have to do things here way which I also think is unfair. I am constantly stuck between the two of them. But here's the thing: I really want nothing to do with my family but I'm caight up with the guilt of needing to be a good daughter and forgiving them for their faults. Even my mom's family is on her side now and they always hated my dad my whole life. But now everyone thinks because he is sick and my poor, poor mom, now we need to foget that children were put in danger for years and pretend that it would never happen to my son. Well my dad is sick enough now that it might not, but how can I raise my son in all that dysfunction?

So my aunt is coming this week and my mom wants us to come over for dinner. She knows we won't, but she asks anyway and then tells me "think about it and call me tomorrow". Well I called and said no - we could meet at a restaurant or a park or the mall like we always do. She does not want to go to a restuarant because "someone will have to spend alot of money" but she's fine spending tons of money at Christmas or on a shopping trip for baby clothes. She only spends money when she wants to. Then she told me she would have my aunt call me when she gets here. Like she's going to bully me into something? I hate them all - but then that guilt comes in. And I should mention that I used to let my mom buy me things and control me because if I let her get away with it she would by me more things and since she never really loved me I felt I deserved it. It's really messed up and I've let her keep me as her doormat far too long. Years of therapy has helped me, but again I am overcome with the guilt. Most of my mom's family is not speaking to me because they think we are being too harsh. They have spent a lifetime playing the "appearance" game of sweeping things under the rug and pretending we are a happy, normal family when if fact we are a dysfunctional lot!!

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to undo the behavior I allowed from my mom, deal with my guilt, keep my realtionship from falling apart over this, and keep myself together. This is a daily struggle for me and brings great heartache and lots of fights with DP. No wonder I didn't get pregnant this last year. The stress this causes me is unbearable at times. I can't afford to go back to therapy. I'm the only one working and even a co-pay of $30 a week would be tough on the already tight budget! I don't know what to do!

Oh and the other thing is that if I hadn't had a miscarriage, the baby would be born this month. I'm not sure if DP realizes that and she used to get on my case when I would be depressed after every BFN. She felt I needed to keep a positive outlook, so I swallow my sadness and try again! So of course, I've not shared how I'm feeling now with her. There were some conferences this spring that I wanted to go to, but did not ask at work because I was sure I'd be too pregnant to travel!

Well, I'd better get back to work!

Ugh

My first comment! Thanks Tammy - I appreciate the support! Reading and sharing with others on the NW board kept me sane for the past 14 months!

Today is not starting out well at all. My troublesome employee went home sick yesterday at noon and then called in today. Normally I would not care - life is pleasant at the office without said employee. However, we have an all staff training today that I arranged some time ago. It is training that is highly important to the direction we are taking with our work and it is the first time we've ever had this kind of training. It is really a huge deal to miss it and I am beside myself. What an utter lack of committment. I would have to be dead before I missed something like this! Okay, I'm the manager so I do have to have a high comittment to my work, but even in the days when I was just a worker bee - I never did anything like this. Okay, I take it back - it happened to me once early on in my career. I had a 2 day conference that I attended with the boss - the afternoon of day one I started to not feel well. Very bad headache, blurred vision, numbness in my left arm, dizzy, feeling like everything was going black. They took me to ER and I had to stay all night - they thought I had a stroke (which THANK GOD) I did not, but I also had to have a spinal tap so needless to say I did not make the second day of the conference. But I was practically on my death bed!! This employee has chronic attendance issues so I seriously doubt they are near death! I can't do anything about it because they are trying to get FMLA so until our lawyer approves or denies it my hands are tied. And we are in the middle of a lawsuit because said employee has filed discrimination charges against us.

By the way - way back when - it was finally determined that I had a massive migraine and atypical symptoms can mimic a stroke!

And DP and I are still fighting. Did I say in my first post that I was happily married? Not this week! A topic for another time since I need to get ready for the training - we are "hosting" people from our rival University!! It should be fun since we live in a hot college sports area!

Not good at updating

Well, I'm not doing a good job so far of writing. It's been busy at work and I never have time at home to write. It's been an emotional week - it was really strange not to go to the doctor for a clomid check this month. I'm still temping and charting since if we do this again it will be on our own and without drugs - so I do want to keep in tume with my cycle and what my body is doing. I'm already noticing temps to be way lower without the clomid. I've been pretty depressed in spite of trying to talk myself into a positive attitude. The house is a mess and I'm so tired all the time. I really just want to eat and sleep and am trying to pull myself together for the baby. My brother has left us high and dry in the middle of putting the new floors in and won't be back to work on it some more for another 2 weeks. The laundry room is all moved around, the kitchen is in the dining room, I can't get to things to dust and clean...I'm overwhelmed. But it will be beautiful when finally done. I hope he does the laminate flooring faster - the ceramic tile is taking forever. But again, how can I complain when he got me all the materials at about 80% off and is doing the labor for free? But the mess, it's getting to me big time!!

I need to lose weight - I need to take advantage of this time off and get in shape, lose a few pounds, it will probably help. And I doubt they will take me on for IVF at this weight. I need to get out of my funk and get focused on my goals.

Work is oh so stressful, DP and I fight alot. No wonder I'm not getting pregnant. This wasn't supposed to be a stressful job. In fact the work really isn't stressful at all and is quite enjoyable. I have great bosses. It's my staff. I have major personnel issues. I hate it - it makes me want to stay at home sometimes and not come in at all!

It's a vicious circle. I'm so drained emotionally from stress, physically from being overweight, I'm too tired when I get home to excercise, too tired to get out of bed in the morning, so then I just get more depressed, eat more, and feel worse than the day before. I don't know how to break it...

BFN

Well, it's another BFN. AF started on Sunday. IUI # 13 is officially a bust and then end of the line for me right now. It was a crappy, rainy weekend and I took some time to be depressed. But only for five minutes, because I have a beautiful soon to be 2 year old son and he needs a happy mom! And he's such a blessing and such a joy! I have so much to be thankful for and will just have to accept it if God does not want me to have another child. I am so grateful for my son and the experiences I have with him - I can't complain about anything. Okay, well I can complain, and I will sometimes, but I feel guilty!

I'm not sure where we are going to go from here. I really want to go back to fresh sperm but we are at a loss on who to ask. We just don't have alot of friends - it's so sad. We really don't have any friends, but that's a story for another day. We are thinking about asking DP's nephew, but that has it's own issues as well - like his mom! I think she would have a hard time with it. DP wants to do frozen at home since she "got me pregnant" at home the last time, but I keep reminding her, we used fresh the last time. And I really think the frozen is not as good! But I think there were also issues with my doctor and the timing and other things that I'll talk about later. Right now I just know that I am taking a month or two off to let the drugs (Clomid) get out of my system and then we'll see where we are financially and what we want to do.

All about me

I've kept diaries and journals as a child and teen, but have never managed to keep up with these on-line blogs! But I'm going to go ahead and give it a try! First and foremost a little bit about me and then I'll feel like I can get on with my musings and ventings!

I am a happily partnered lesbian (would be married if it were legal in my state) and we have a fantastic and adorable 22 month old son. I live in the conservative south, although I am originanlly from a very progressive and liberal northern state! I work at a university and my partner is currently a stay at home mom to our son. We are in the process of trying for a second baby - it has been a long and arduous road this time around.

Welcome to my life!