Of course this may change, as it usually does. DP announced again that she wants a separation. It is going to happen - one of these days it will. We just keep on because of the kids, dogs and finances. But one day soon we shall tire of that. I feel it.

Somehow I have to come up with the money to pay down my credit card that DP knows nothing about. Now that will end the relationship for sure. It will be my fault for keeping it from her and not her fault for always pressuring me to buy things we don't have the money for. She never listens to me and always says how she contributes money to with her SSI check. She does not listen when I rattle off the total of bills versus the income. So to shut her up I secretly use my credit card in the hopes of paying it off. But my tax refund was much less this year than last and I could not pay it off.

I'm really stressed about this. I already sold some old gold jewelry to make this month's payment. We are in a dire situation and I don't have the money to pay the card. How am I going to come up with 3500? I can only get about 1300 from my retirement and that will tale a while. The A/C needs to be fixed and I don't have enough credit on the card to pay for it. And I have no one to borrow it from. Couldn't pay it back anyway.

DP will hit the roof for sure and I am afraid to tell her.

I closed my blog for a while. I'm not really happy with life and I don't know what I am doing. I'm not really comfortable sharing my feelings even with strangers anymore. I'm not happy with an unhappy blog either. It is so not what I imagined.

I hate how depressed I am. I haven't felt this bad in about 10 years. All I can focus on are the kids. I can't stand the thought of them not having me to protect them from everyone - my mom and DP.

I'm drowning and I don't know how to come up for air.

DP has taken her hatred of my mother a little too far. My mom came for a visit Sunday. She just got to see the baby as DP and DS already had plans with friends and their kids for a boating and fishing and swimming at the lake day. Since my mom is selling the house she brought over a bunch of my things from years past. Amongst all the childhood games and Barbies were the cap and gown and letters sash from my college graduation. The cap and gown were my mom's from her college graduation in 1967. I wore it at mine, but with a different sash as I went to a different college. I wore my mom's because it was so nice. By 1991 caps and gowns were being cheaply made yet costing a fortune. My mom's was beautiful. Well DP wants to throw it out. Because of course, since it was my mom's, no child of ours can wear it. It does not matter to her THAT I ALSO WORE IT. And if we get rid of it, then my college graduation garb is GONE TOO. Now the christening gown is ok to keep. My mom did not wear it - just my brother and I. My son wore it. But DD is going to wear something DP's nieces wore just a few years ago. I want her to wear mine.

So the gown is going in the garbage or the giveaways because I just don't care anymore. The last two nights I have worked hard at my second job. I've come home after a long day at work (after a long night of interrupted sleep) and I've done my chores without complaint. Took care of the dogs (feed, put out, put out again before bed), cleaned up after dinner (dishes, bottles prepared, etc), washed and folded a load of laundry, vaccumed the kitchen and laundry room floors, spent time with kids and put to bed, pumped twice. And prepared clothes, lunch, pumping supplies for next day at work. Is that enough for you? So last night she complained that I just come home, do what I need to do and then go to bed. She had the nerve to complain that I don't spend time talking to her. Funny how this together time was just a discussion on another reader's blog.

For one, there is nothing to talk about anymore so I don't know why she complains. Two, when I walk in the door she says she is done and then sits on the couch and watches tv or talks on the phone to her family for the rest of the night. On nights she cooks I am lucky if the food is ready when I get home. Usually we don't eat until after 7 so by the time I get kids to bed and dogs done it's 10 pm anyway. If it is leftovers, nothing is done when I get home and after I feed the dogs I have to get everything heated up and served. I'm so not kidding - 6 pm and she is DONE. But during the day - all she does is take care of the kids. Cleaning bathrooms, laundry, all that is left for me.

Even if I wanted to, there is no time to spend together. DP works as a team only when it is convenient to her. Why sit and talk. All she wanted to "talk" about last night is why I felt I had to keep the cap and gown. She flat out said if my mother hadn't worn it, it wouldn't be an issue.

Something else happened last night - she bitched about something or other and then went outside to smoke. I was left at the dinner table with the kids and fighting back tears as my 3 year old says over and over "Mumma you sad too?"

I have to get out....

Thanks Becky for the thought on the BP - I was thinking the same thing since I had the PIH. DP says getting a blood pressure problem during pregnancy can cause problems for life. I have a home monitor so when I get that icky feeling I will check my BP! It has been normal at all doctor visits since the baby was born. BUT I'll bet all this STRESS is jacking it right back up!!

Gosh there is just so much I want to be writing about. Yet I'm too tired and too busy to come here and write. So much on my mind about so many things.

We had a pretty good weekend. Not perfect but better than things have been.

Financially I am under a lot of stress right now. I'm losing some of our monthly income due to the economy. Things that were tight, just got tighter. I've eliminated some expenses here and there. But I haven't been able to cut expenses equal to the income loss. Not yet anyway - still working on it! I'm really resenting DP's $40 a carton smoking habit. It's a carton a week. $160 would by a lot of groceries. I've given up everything. I ran out of my two favorite perfumes but they are expensive and I'm not buying more. No new clothes. Every penny is for the kids.

You know I was trying to figure out how we got into such trouble financially. We're not crazy spenders. But then I realized we used all our savings on 13 months of TTC with the doctor and frozen sperm. Our car died and we have our first car payment in 5 years. Our heat pump died a couple of years ago. We have 2 kids now. We do have more expenses and less income than we had when we were both working. And now the economy has hit a small investment I had from my grandfather and I can no longer draw an income on it without touching the principle. And now the A/C unit might need to be replaced. I'm sure we can do some more belt tightening as they say. But it is hard because DP and I just don't agree on finances.

But this bad economy won't last forever. It will be okay - I know it will!!

We had an almost perfect weekend. Saturday we hung out with friends and helped them with a project at their house. The kids of course had a blast playing together. One of their kids was a little rough and almost climbed into the playpen and also launched himself at the baby when I was changing her diaper. Never good to yell at another person's child - but I was scared for my baby's safety!

Sunday was fighting - of course - over everything and today DP is in a bad mood. We didn't get a lot done at our house - the shopping and I cleaned the bathrooms. So she's in a bad mood. Oh I did laundry too. But the rest was left to her and that pisses her off. Oh well I can not do it all.