Silence

Well DP is really not speaking to me. I don't know what to do. I do feel very sad when things are like this. But I do not know how to make her happy. No matter what I do, it is never good enough, or it is the wrong thing. Last night she asked me why we are living together. I honestly did not have an answer beyond the fact that financially we would not survive on our own. And the dogs. I could maybe swing a small apartment and daycare. But I would have to sell the house and that means the dogs would have to go. So really, is that what it has come down to? We are still together just because of the child and the fur babies and because financially two is better than one?

It's very sad. I am very sad. And of course being who she is, DP blames me for everything. And me, being who I am can only reply that I've done the best I could which was never good enough for her anyway.

I want things to be okay, I really do. I'm just not sure if we can put it all back together.

When it gets to be too much....

I shut down and I don't know what to do with myself. I have work I need to be doing, but I don't feel like doing it. I just mindlessly surf the web and read blogs of other people's lives. Why am I so obsessed with that? It only makes me feel worse about myself and the way things are going in my life. I read blogs anf think oh why can't I be a better Christian like so and so, or a better wife or a better mother, or a better writer? It's silly really and I don't have the time for it. I'll just get behind at work and at home.

Things were tough at home last night. DP never gave up on her tirades and I was so stressed all night. I realize she is moody and her exposiveness is part of her personality, but I am so quiet and so normally even tempered. It is very hard. I did not sleep well last night and then slept through my alarm this morning so I had to drive myself in to work. I wasn't late, but I was too late to catch the van pool. I'm very tired and wish I could have some coffee or something. But since I want to have another baby - I'm trying not to get back into the caffeine.

I've been trying to think about where all this stress comes from. What is getting to me the most? And I think the root of many of our problems is our financial situation. DP and I do not agree when it comes to that. I'm all about saving and she is all about spending. She does not listen to me when I say we can not afford something. We are just making it on my income. I can just pay the bills each month and there is nothing left over for extras. She doesn't seem to care. I'll say I only want to spend $200 at Walmart this week and she won't listen when I say no, we can't have something. I know she wants to fix up the house, but I'm not an endless supply of money. I need to turn the bill paying and budgeting over to her, but I don't want to lose the control I have. I've managed to save a little bit and I'm afraid she'll spend it. She believes you can't take it with you when you die. But she comes from a family that always lived paycheck to paycheck and most of her family still does. I hate that we live that way. Couples really need to agree on the finances...geesh there's so much we don't agree on.

I don't want to even write about it anymore. This part of my life, money and relationship, really depresses me.

So let's talk about my 2 year old. The living room is done and all the furniture is back. DS thinks the cofee table is for climbing on. Now he's never done that before. But take it out of the room for a couple of weeks and then bring it back - suddenly a table that has been around his whole short life, well it becomes this great novelty and wonder to be explored. He's also become obsessed with Cheetoes and french fries. I swore I would never let him have junk, but he's into wanting whatever we have. He knows the bag of Cheetoes when he sees them and he'll sure holler for them! Last night I read to him in Spanish and really struggled through it. I hate that I only get a couple of hours with him, but at the same time love our little bedtime routine. Brushing teeth is becoming a struggle - his poor little gums hurt but we have to do it! He gets to brush them himself and play in the sink once I am done with my part. I also got him a battery operated tooth brush like ours - he loves it. And he knows to say "aaaahhhhhh" and open his mouth while I brush - but he only wants to brush for 10 seconds and then he's done.

I'm so tired of my job. Still no review, no mention or hope of a raise. I guess I'm not doing a good job? When you get no feedback it makes you wonder. I should ask my boss for my review. But I hate to point out to her that she's falling down on her responsibility. Weak and spineless I am. And just getting more and more miserable by the day. Two of my staff called out sick today and one was late so I was alone this morning.

So AF is going to be here any day...and D's nephew should be here around CD 11. Don't know if I should go for it or not.

Too much complaining

As was the case with my hand written journals, this blog is turning into more of a venting place then anything else. How sad when I go back and read and all I see are the complaints of my life and none of the joys.

I really enjoyed my time with DS this weekend. It was exhausting, but so nice to see every part of his day - the stuff I usually miss when I am at work. He's into everything! He "helped" me swish the brush around the toilet bowls - ha, wait my DS, soon you will find it to be a chore!! But for now, at 2, cleaning the toilet is fun! He had his 2 year old check up yesterday - only one shot - yay! The dr. is concerned still about his lack of talking. DP says she is not concerned. I am. He barely talks, just babbles. Yet he passed the autism screening again - so that's good right? Something just really bothers me about his delayed speech. I mean he understands everything you say to him in both English and Spanish and he follows commands. He just doesn't talk. I'm honestly worried about what goes on at home. I think DP lets him watch too much tv. She has it on all day. I don't think she spends enough time teaching him things.

Okay, this is turning into complaints again. But I guess it's the truth. I have alot of questions and concerns and I'm afraid to break up with DP. Afraid of being alone, afraid what she will do. Wondering if I really do love her or not. So many questions.

I think it's time to consider a part-time program for DS - like a church pre-school or something a couple of days a week. I'm so afraid we are hurting him and not helping him grow. I'm feeling like a bad parent today!

I give up

DP came home this morning. She couldn't get a flight out yesterday. I worked hard while she was gone. I washed the carpet and cleaned up and organized in the playroom. Washed half of the hallway and landing carpet (it's a huge area for a hall and landing!) and scrubbed the baby's bathroom and hung a wall paper border. I washed the kitchen, laundry room, and half bath floors. Washed the living room floor. Dusted and did laundry. Changed the bed sheets. All this while watching the baby and yesterday working from home and taking baby to the doctor. Oh and taking care of the animals - cleaned their crates, swept the dog hairs, etc. I washed some windows and let me tell you - it took hours to shampoo that carpet. It's a big room.

Well nothing, and I mean nothing was done to DP's standards. I picked her up at the airport and she and the baby dropped me off at work. She was as sweet as pie until she got home. She's called me 10 times and when I say yelled - I can't even begin to describe it. I ran short on the wall paper - need to get more - she yelled about that. She yelled because apparently my brother used white caulk somewhere when he should have used brown. I was supposed to be watching him - like what?? I was watching the baby, watching the dogs, cleaning the dishes. She yelled because she can't find the pole to the paint roller. Oh, she yelled because I put clothes in the washer and left the door open. I put them in the washer rather than leaving them on the floor. I did not run the machine before I left the house because I did not want the clothes to sit wet in the washer all day. We have a new washer and dryer and the intructions say you can get a bad smell if you don't take the clothes out right away and let the drum dry. That's why I left the door open. It's NO BIG DEAL. And she yelled about the way my brother put up the new trim around the door. He left too much room at the bottom? It looks fine. It just needs to be caulked and painted and you'll never know the puppy chewed it.

I am sick to my stomach right now and am fighting back the tears because I am at work. I came in late so I'm not taking a lunch. My head hurts so much right now. And on top of all the screaming she also screams out that she never wanted to come home anyway.

I was so proud of all the work I did while she was away. I was wishing I could have done more. I wanted to get to the store and get more wall paper, but it was hard to juggle it all. I'm pretty lazy, but I really tried to do alot - yes I could have done more. On Saturday I did watch some tv. But I stayed up late at night so I could get alot done while the baby slept. You can't do anything when he is up. He touches everything and anything.

I was so proud for her to see how hard I worked. And now I feel like crap. What did I waste my time for. Heck I could have done nothing and played all weekend. Then at least I would have deserved the yelling. Could I have done more? Yes, I'm sure I could have. The carpet took hours and hours to clean. When my cat died she had missed the litter box a couple of times in those last few days. I really went over that area alot. I'm sure I could have worked a little faster on some things and of course if I kept up with cleaning on a regular basis, it wouldn't be so much to get done now.

It's funny, I missed her while she was gone. She said she missed me. But at the same time I was fine without her.

And now she's sending me pictures on the phone like nothing. But then will call me in 10 minutes to yell some more about something else she's seen that is not up to her standard. This is how her family is - they are very explosive. A few days ago I wrote that I just needed to accept that this is what life is going to be like. But after several days of peace and quiet I'm not so sure I can continue to live like this. We'll see how things go later. I'm taking the bus home and she'll have to pick me up. It'll be a while before I have the privacy for a good cry.

I really thought she would see how hard I worked. She hasn't said one nice thing at all.

Not much time

I'm leaving work early today to take DP to the airport so I haven't got much time to write. Lots going on - DP is planning to stay until Monday so I got the approval to work from home that day. I have such a great boss. She actually understands the little phobia we have with baby sitters. And anyway, with DP being a stay at home mom it is not usually an issue. Luckily I am fully set up to be able to work from home at any time. Being a manager makes me essential personnel and at the largest state university in the state, part of our disaster plan is having mobile units for all major areas of operation. So it has it's perks....

House is a mess - I'm going to try and surprise DP and work really hard on some cleaning projects while she is gone.

Had lunch with a business associate today - I want a job with his company. We're going to talk again at the end of the summer. So at least he didn't say no. I think he would be interested in hiring me - I just need the right deal. I need more money than what I'm making now and I want to work from home since the home office is in another state. I absolutely can't move so the work from home and cover surrounding areas is crucial to the deal.

Started a new class today for work - it's gonna be a big committment.

Less stress

My stress level has gone down a bit. Had a long talk with DP last night and she got to vent so I guess she feels better. Emotionally she sure is hard to keep up with. The things that bother her - they are just not a big deal to me. It's too hard to explain, but I think I'm learning that this is just how life is going to be with her.

Work is better today although I am very tired this week and now that it is after lunch I could fall asleep. DP is going "home" this weekend. Her brother-in-law is ill and her sister is not doing well emotionally. This is the first time I'll be alone with the baby. Wow. She'll only be gone Friday night to Sunday morning. I'm looking forward to the peace...

Frustration

My frustration is at an all time high today. Fighting with DP, problems at work. I can actually feel how high and unhealthy my blood pressure is at this moment.

It never ends...

I think I mentioned that J was unhappy with the annual review. I'm not sure if an appeal will go to HR, but I'm guessing it will. I reviewed everything with M and then M spoke with B and we are standing by my evaluation. It was fair and accurate. J tried to refute some things and redo some work to show that she knew what she was doing. She got the work wrong again so I am very confident that she does not know what to do and my review was right on. Then today she proved it more by e-mailing me questions that she should have known the answers to. I am very frustrated by the extra work she makes both for herself and me. Lots of time has been lost dealing with all of this - a waste of tax payers money if you ask me.

This day is going by so slowly - not sure I'll make it until 5 PM! Oh, speaking of work, riding the van has been good. I get to work early and can earn some comp time which makes me happy. It also lets me see if K and C are arriving to work on time. They have an earlier start than J and she is never on-time. HR will be meeting with her about that next week. She was late 13 times in one month. Geesh - and she has an accomodation for a later start time anyway with a reduced lunch to make up for it. Double geesh!

Hopefully the living room will be done this weekend and perhaps we can start on the bedroom floor. DS slept in his big boy bed for the first time last night. I had to pretend to sleep on the floor of his room for 1 hour and 45 minutes before we finally let him cry it out a bit. I didn't want to totally have him freaked out about the new routine but at the same time, I can't give into things that will cause bedtime problems. DP said he did great at naptime today so I guess he's adjusted already. He looks so tiny in the bed even though it is a toddler bed. My baby is a big boy now! I hope we have a good weekend. I've been assigned to finish sealing the back deck - I hope it's not too hot tomorrow! I'll be grumpy if I have to be outside in the hot sun!!

So it looks like DN will be here 2 weekends in a row although the second weekend will be with his gf so I don't know how we'll do inseminations since he does not want to tell her about it. This month my cycle was very strange. I had fertile days early on like days 8 and 9 and then nothing until day 13 and nothing again. Temperature has been funny too. If I can get DN to donate somewhere between days 8-14 I should be covered. My cycle has been very messed up after all those months of Clomid. I'll try to figure out how to post my FF stats here. But for now I'd better get back to work!

Cast of Characters

I've decided on initials for the list of characters in my life. Here's the cheat sheet:

DP - of course my loving partner
DS - my 2 year old son

J, C, K - my staff at work

KC - my friend at work

M - my boss

B - department head

DN - nephew who may donate sperm to us

Everyone else should be easy to identify.

But at least this will make my ranting much easier!

Never say never

We had my mom over on Tuesday and can you believe it actually went pretty well? It started out awkward and DP was very cold, but then I finally got the courage to just start the conversation. I was so scared. There were alot of tears and my mom shared some more shocking stories of the past. The ugliness of our family, the dirty little secrets tear at me heart and soul. I am still feeling sick to my stomach and angry that I have to know it all now. I was so pround of DP - she remained calm and cool and collected. She was firm with her feelings but kind as well. She sure has a temper and can yell and holler with the best of them, but she really handled this with love and respect for me and for my mom too. It hurt alot, I'm not one to share my feelings with my mom and I had to dig deep to get it all out. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually think we are in a better place now. My mom is going to talk to her siblings and let them know that it is not their place to judge me and how I am handling things. I haven't reached a state of forgiveness now with my father and of course with his illness, will never be able to confront him. I should have done that years ago, but that is my fault for lacking the courage then. I did get some good insight from my mom and although I'm not sure we'll ever have a close relationship, I think we've been saved from the point of needing to cut off all contact. We didn't get to discuss everything as she had to get home to care for my father, but really, inspite of the additional ugliness I learned about, it had some good outcomes.

Work on the other hand is the same. But big boss did formally appeal my position placement and both bosses are backing my performance evaluation of troublesome employee as being fair and accurate. So let's see what happens - not sure if employee will take it further.

I need to get better nicknames for all the colorful characters in my life. Maybe initials? I still fear that someone in this big huge world will stumble upon this and know exactly who I am...probably a silly fear, but it's there all the same....hey my boss found our myspace page...so it IS possible!

A few ramblings

Well nephew could not come down this weekend and I definitely think this would have been the weekend to inseminate with fresh. Oh well. I need to read up in my book some more since I spent the last year and a half doing the IUI's. Everything is different when you use fresh and do it at home. I want to make sure I get the timing right like I did for DS. The good news is that if I have another month like this one I could be right on target for 4th of July when nephew will be with us for 3 days. Let's see how it goes! Could I be that lucky?

Had a nice weekend with the baby. The living room is almost done. A little more painting and then we can move all the furniture back in place. Then it's off to start the bedroom floor. It's been so hot - we got the baby a little pool that is big enough for all 3 of us to sit in and that's what we did yesterday. It has a slide and DP and I sit on each side of the pool and then DS slides down into the middle. We had a blast and kept cool and then we all took a long afternoon nap.

Tonight is the big night with mom and I returned to some stress and problems at work today. Diet is going horrible as a result. I'm not sure how to control the emotional eating and there's no chance of getting on the treadmill tonight. I wish I could get myself out of bed early in the morning but I already get up at the un-holy hour of 5:30 AM just to attend to the dogs and get myself ready to leave at 6:40 AM. I'm not sure how I can add treadmill time to that - but I'm going to keep it as a goal!

DP and I only fought a little bit this weekend - less than usual, but still over ridiculous stuff. It's so hard. How do you love someone so much, but hate to live with them? Is every relationship like that? The rest of the world seems so happy.

Finally Friday

I'm so glad it is Friday - I'm taking Monday off - baby's b-day is this weekend. So I appreciate the advice and support I got from my last post.

Last night my mom called my cell phone and was a little nasty in her tone when she left a message. It seems she had called the house phone twice this week and had not gotten a call back. You'd think she'd be concerned, not nasty - no not her. Well the house phone (we only have one since we rely mostly on cells and I have to talk on phone all day at work - I like peace at home) is somewhere in the dining room because last weekend we had to empty the living room to do the floors and this weekend we are painting. I wasn't thinking at 11 PM as we were moving everything around and all the small stuff went on the dining room table that we had moved to the corner of the room and all the big stuff is piled in the space left. I can't get to the phone now even if I wanted to and I don't know how to check that voice mail remotely. That's how much I just don't care about the darn phone. Anyway, I have not spoken to her since before my aunt was here and last night we told her she needed to come over and have a talk. She wanted to know about what and I said I'd rather talk in person. I did mentione the snide comment my aunt left when she called and mom claimed to know nothing about it. Well since the only other person in the house is my dad who has Alzhiemer's I wonder who else my aunt could have been talking to? My mom is such a liar - she got real quiet when I said I had saved the recording. I saved last night's too because she has no business being nasty just because I did not call her back. Of it's so long and complicated to write every detail. But really do I have to call my mom when I take a crap? Does she have to know all my business including my redecorating plans? When is she going to back off? So Tuesday is the big showdown. She wanted to come over Sunday for the baby's b-day but I said no - we have plans. My brother will be painting and we are going to try and do some fun things with the baby. She was like - when will I give him his present. My mom has this thing about having to see you and talk to you on your birthday. It is so annoying. I'm a grown up. I know I saound mean and petty - it's hard to understand until you've lived with my mom and you have to know the whole story of how emotionally abusive she was over the years. It's been 6 years that DP and I are together and I'm always telling her some other story of how I was treated and hurt as a child. I hope this goes well, that DP gets alot off her chest, that we don't make it worse. My blood pressure was so high last night - took it with DP's monitor. I was having pains in my back and arm! I have to relax.

Got into the M&M's today and I think I'm ovulating now on day 8 - how absurd. Don't know if nephew can drive down this weekend or not. I'm so bummed. I'm goingto excercise tonight for sure. Too much in my head...oh and troublesome employee is probably going to appeal the review. I've already had an e-mail about it. My boss and I replied today and I have not heard anything else. It makes me sick - filing a lawsuit for false reasons....

Ugh too much stress - can't wait to relax with the family. Hopefully DP will be in a good mood all weekend!

Just as I said...

Thanks for the support and advice Tammy and Shari! Just as I said, by the end of the day DP was over that tirade and we were fine until the next meltdown last night over the situation with my mother. I think therapy for both will be a good idea - I have done quite well in the past with it. DP has been to therapy in the past but it was not good - she refuses to change and refused to talk about the real issues. We've never been to couples therapy. It would be a huge strain on the budget but I guess we are worth it - I'll have to give it more thought.

DP is refusing now to allow my mom to see the baby and his birthday is this weekend. I am in such a hard place. It's more than I can even write about. I don't have time to explain it all. Suffice to say it is a big mess.

On a positive note - I want to be Fit at 40 pals with Shari. I turned 39 this year too and I'm tired of being fat. I used to be skinny and healthy and it's time to get back to that. I started walking on the treadmill on Monday. I'd love to do weight watchers, but again, on one income the budget it too tight. All our extra money is going to fixing up the house - and I have to do it otherwise I'll never be able to sell it - some of the animals have been rough on the place! If DP ever does leave, I've got to be able to at least get enough to pay off the mortgage and possibly the car. Anyway, I binge eat when I'm upset and since I am stressed 24/7 it is hard not to stuff my face. I used to throw it up all the time, years ago, but that landed me in the hospital twice. Then I broke my foot and gained 40 pounds in 4 months and after that I've just binged and sat on my butt getting fat. Oh pregnancy added another 40 pounds which I did not lose. So anyway, I still have the clothes in the closet that go with a skinnier me and I want to be that person again. I will need to lose about 100 pounds to do it - there's another 30 or so on there from just plain stress of the last 10 years of my life. Gosh 100 pounds gained since 2000. It's hard to look at pictures and think that before I went in the hospital in February of 2000 I was 125 pounds and running 7 miles a day and training for the Boston Marathon - my goal for turning 30. And now here I am pushing 40 and I'm fat and slow and still unhappy.

So it is time to make a change. I hope I've left the obsessions behind and can lose weight without starving, purging and over excercising as I did in my younger days. It takes alot of effort to do all that crazy stuff.

I have to do reviews today for staff. I hate it. Troublesome employee will not like theirs - it won't be the best marks. And it looks like I got the brush over on the job placement - HR gave a half-hearted response and I don't know what bosses are going to do. All this stress and headache for nothing by means of recognition and compensation. Oh well, more later....

Second floor almost done

Well my bother got the Pergo down in the living room. All that is left to do is paint and put the trim moulding on. It looks so nice - so glad to have that horrible off-white carpet gone. It was so hot this weekend and of course DP was up to her usual of refusing to turn the a/c on. I can't quite get into it - she hates the a/c and we have this battle every year. I suffer in the heat but that does not matter - it will go on when she says so. I tried to talk to my brother this weekend about DP's attitude towards my mom and how she has determined that my mom will no longer be allowed to call or see the baby. He wasn't much help and it only made me realize along with the a/c thing that I just have one more person trying to control me. DP is happy so long as she's in charge and I'm just a little puppet. Today she called me at work to complain about how little I did around the house this weekend and how lazy I am. I am lazy, but I did the laundry, kept up with the kitchen, changed the beds, looked after the baby while she and my brother worked. I didn't sit on my ass all weekend, but what I do is never enough. So after the tirade she said sell the house, she's had enough and then hung up on me. Oh this is nothing new, she threatens to leave all the time but sometimes I wonder if it just wouldn't be better to go our separate ways. How do you extricate yourself from the years...ok can't write any more about this or I'll cry at work and I have no privacy. But I won't be able to get my son into affordable day care until the end of the summer and I'll need time to find an apartment. So far daycare and rent will leave me with about 400 a month to live on. Won't be able to pay the car and eat on that. I'm not sure I can swing it on my own. But this is the story of my life. Stress no matter which way I turn. And the fear of being alone keeps me from agreeing that it should just be over. But what kind of life is this?