Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

The light of my life - no one makes me smile more than this little guy!

I wanted to say Happy Holidays to everyone and thank you so much for your wisdom, advice and support when you comment on my blog.

I probably won't be around much until after the new year, but please know you will all be in my thoughts and prayers for a happy holiday season!

Why I can't leave

Right now, even if I could make a decision, I can't leave. Or I guess I should say I choose not to leave (because there really is no such thing as I can't) for the following reasons:

1. I've done the math, looked at the day cares and the apartments. I can not do it alone on my salary with 2 kids. The day care alone will take over 1/2 of my paycheck. Right now DP's disability pays the mortgage and she takes care of the kid(s). After taxes, mandatory state retirement participation, medical, dental, vision, and life insurances I have enough to pay for food, utilities, other bills and the cars and car insurance.

2. The house - we would have to sell the house - same deal, I can't afford the house and daycare nor can I keep up with the house and yard work alone. DP can't afford to live on her own in the house either. The housing market sucks and I'd be lucky if I get what I have out in a mortgage right now. Which means I would lose the $40,000 I put down when we bought it from the sale of my other house. Since we (foolishly I might add) spent all our savings trying to have a baby I'd really like to have the cash from my house to put away even if I were to go to an apartment first.

3. The cars. I couldn't afford to take the car that has a loan on it and the other car is 10 years old so I won't get far in it and would eventually need a new one.

4. The dogs. We have six and if I were lucky I could take one to an apartment. DP could maybe take one. I'm not sure I can live with sending the rest to shelters knowing full well that with their age and temperament they would be euthanized.

5. And good or bad. We've been through a lot together. For over 6 years. Granted, a lot of it has been bad, really tough times. But there have been good times too. I can't bear to think that all we have left between us is the bad.

It's complex and I'm struggling to find the energy to save us. The fact that I'm so tired and so overwhelmed with the conflict and the differences and the issues we are dealing with - it's making it very hard to see the good and see what is worth fighting for.

This is going to be a very hard break. I was very depressed over Thanksgiving and Christmas is proving to be the same. My mother and I have not talked since Thanksgiving. I'm too tired at night and I don't want to deal with DP and her hating my mom. And by not calling her I'm avoiding having to deal with the inevitable questions of when she'll see us for the holiday. I don't want to see her because if you take my mother and my family out of the picture, things are better with DP and I. I don't have the energy for my mom and all that goes with it. I want her to go away so I can forget about the abuse. Seeing my mom just serves as a constant reminder of how much I hate her and wish I didn't have to see her, but then leaves me with guilt for not being able to forgive her.

I'm hoping that over this break we can get a lot done - cleaning out and organizing at the house - getting ready for the baby. Maybe spending some quality time together with me not so pressured with work issues and tired all the time. I feel like I live in a fog right now of fatigue, hormones, frustration. Let's see, it's my hope anyway that I can find the energy to tackle a few things. I definitely do feel better when there is not a mess around me - whether it be a physical mess of clutter or an emotional mess of clutter.

And I guess I'm going to need to call my mom tonight. DP will surely give she shit about that, telling me I don't need to do anything. I know she thinks she's supporting me by trying to protect me from my mom. But she can't protect me from my guilt and I think that is what is killing me now. If I didn't have the guilt I could just walk away and say goodbye to the negative energy my family brings. Hell, without the guilt, I'd probably be able to walk away from DP a hell of a lot easier too.

Sorry for the long ramble. It is evident that my thoughts and feelings are jumbled and I still have no clear idea of the direction I should take. But I'm sure I'll get there one of these days.

Glimmers of hope - dashed away

Just when I think there is hope, something happens. Am I too sensitive these days due to hormones? How many times do I have to tell her to stop calling me at work to yell at me about whatever it is I've done wrong now. How many times do I have to say I have no privacy at work and I can not be on the phone listening to another tirade and fighting back the tears. Why is it okay for her to be tired and depressed and accomplish nothing, but not okay for me. When will she stop exaggerating? No she did not spend all day yesterday working on the floor in the bedroom. I was home. I saw her. She spent a total of an hour laying 3 strips of trim and about 3 floor boards. And it's still not done. I on the other hand got up at 6 am. Took out the dogs, took one to the vet, went to my appointment and got my shot, picked up the family, went to Walmart, came home and worked for 5:45 hours on work for my telecommuting requirement, picked up the dog, warmed up dinner, played with the baby, cleaned the kitchen, and wrote out 18 x-mas cards and talked to her niece on the phone for an hour because she was too tired to talk. She pissed and moaned about being sick.

And before the phone call just now I was going to write about some nice things.

But I know this already: this is my life if I stay. This is who she is. I'll never please her. I will always have some transgression, big or small. This is bipolar disorder. Highs and lows, rapid cycling at times. Here are my choices. Accept and Deal. Move on. Neither is appealing.

Baby girl is crazy active today. Sweet little thing.

Thank you

I just wanted to thank everyone for the comments, the encouragement and support. It really means a lot to me and I'm trying to keep up with each one of you and comment when I can. I feel like I should at least keep in touch with those that are supporting me. I'm taking time away from the Northwest board and random blog reading because all the happy people just depress me more.

Things are about the same at home. Have you ever been so afraid that you just can't do anything? That's exactly where I am right now. I'm afraid to stay and afraid to go - so I do nothing. We really are just existing.

I've been thinking of all the things DP and I have been through together and trying to decide if this relationship is worth fighting for. It seems that I have been fighting for it since day one.

I'm so very busy at work, I still have someone out on medical leave and due to budget cuts have not been able to hire a temp. I will try to write more when I can.

Thanks for thinking of me!

Taking a break

I'm going to take a break from blogging. My depressing life is bothering me. The fact that I'm having a baby and DP and I are having problems is bothering me. The fact that so many couples in stronger relationships are struggling is bothering me. I feel guilty. Of course I'd want my children even if I were single. But I'm still feeling terrible.

And last night DP told me to my face that she hated me. There's no taking back that kind of venom.

It's a....

GIRL! We found out yesterday that she is definitely a girl! And most importantly, she is perfectly healthy!

I had a pretty nice week away from work and the computer. It wasn't easy being at home with DP 24/7 for 6 days. There are lots of things going on and her highs and lows are becoming more frequent which of course affect my moods greatly. One minute I think we've turned the corner and the next minute I feel like I need to take DS and finally move on - alone. I'm not sure what's worse right now. Crying every day with her or crying every day alone for the rest of my life.

It saddens me that such a happy time is dampened by these other issues in my life. I'm much too tired for the stress.

I have alot to catch up on at work so I'll try to write more later.