I'm really not feeling well. I race like I have caffeine flowing through my veins. But my heart itself is not racing - it is beating normally - but it feels like it is racing. And sometimes I have a slow beat. The best way I can describe it is it feels like a bubble rising up through thick oil.

And I just feel like crap. I think the fat is finally catching up to me. I've carried this weight for 8 years now.

If I didn't know that depression and sleep deprivation can cause memory problems, I'd be convinced that I have the onset of Alzhiemer's. I'm dead serious - since my father and grandmother both were diagnosed with it. That's how much of a tired fog I am living in these days. I am completely overwhelmed. I go to work for an escape from the house and home for an escape from work.

But certainly these sleepless nights will pass and I can somehow right my footing on the earth.

DP is really giving me a hard time about the pumping - I've just about given up on nursing. DD just won't stay latched, I think we have thrush (I'm being treated for it because I had symptoms but because she did not doctor is not giving her anything - totally against the protocol but whatever this is the boonies and since we struggle at the boob anyway might as well just give up and pump full time), and DP is convinced formula would help her sleep through the night. Um, we tried that the first month. It did not work and DD hates formula. Not only do I want her to have it because it is the best thing for her, but it saves us a ton of money. But of course DP makes it all about me and my selfish needs. Whatever. I made my 3 month goal and if we could just make it until DD starts solids next month I might be able to go from 6 pumping sessions to 4 or 5 as her need changes.

I can't get last week out of my mind. The sound and words uttered by DP when she called me about the lost dog play over and over and over in my head - sends a shudder of horror through my body. It was that intense.

Okay I can't write any more - I'm depressing myself more.

The kids -a joy - potty training DS these days - oh my! He chatters non-stop now and is just so damn funny and cute. DD is fat and happy and laughs out loud and I melt.

As the chasm widens
I fear falling
into the abyss
what awaits me below
is anyone's guess
there was a time
when i was certain
your loving arms
would break my fall
but now I must gather
the strength to land
on my feet
alone



Yesterday, in the fog of fatigue that is my life, I left the back deck gate open after I brought in the dogs and your little dog got loose when you put her out later in the day. A dog that predates us. The dog you rescued at just weeks old and bottle fed. Your anguish when you called me at work was like nothing I'd witnessed, save for the day you found out your father had died. The things you said to me cut through me and I bled like never before.

By the time I got home one of our other dogs and a friend had helped bring the little one home safe and sound and you had returned to a normal state of mind. But I knew that would be the case in front of our friend. You are a very cautious abuser and only twice has your abuse been witnessed in public - just recently in the parking lots of two different stores. I wonder if those strangers who stared wonder about me.

Today you are sweet but I know the monster that lies beneath. And I know now how I compare to the dog.

I don't really have a lot to say these days. No that's a lie. I have a lot to say. I just don't feel up to saying it. So I'll continue to let others speak for me for a while maybe.

So you walked with me for a while
Bared your naked soul
And you told me of your plan
How you would never let them know
In the morning of the night
You cried a long lost child
And I tried oh I tried to hold you
But you were young
And you were wild
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same
Secrets of your life
I never wanted for myself
But you guarded them like a lie
Placed up on the highest shelf
In the morning of the night
When I woke to find you gone
I knew your distant devil
Must be draggin you along
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same
And you swore that you were bound for glory
And for wanting you had no shame
But I loved you
And then I lost you
And I will never be the same
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same

I will never be the same
Melissa Etheridge

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing
Or maybe we just stopped trying

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide and I just can't fake it

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide and I just can't fake it

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it, too
Still I'm glad for what we had and how I once loved you

But it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

It’s Too Late
Carole King

Today she announced that I need to put the kids in daycare. Is it venting or for real?

The rain was hot, the streets were empty
As downtown closed her eyes
The movie house stood in silence as I said my last good-byes
Her silver screen was stained with memories
As Cagney shot them down
And as I watched I was that hero
In dreamlands lost and found
Oh my God, well we both are empty Paradise and me
Do you believe I'm still chasing rainbows
When everywhere I see
Lonely People, Lonely People
Up above these ghetto streets
In penthouse suites they sit and stare
Lonely People, Lonely People
They smile and say they're fine
But behind their eyes they just don't care
Lonely People
They just don't care
Lonely People, Lonely People
Lonely People, Lonely People
Beneath these neon streets in subway seats they crowd for air
Lonely People, Lonely People
So close and yet so far they share the secrets of despair
Lonely People, Lonely People

Lonely People
Styx

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 'till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
I don't know
Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

Landslide
Fleetwood Mac

Confusion

It's funny how I am very black and white when it comes to things. I'm a follow the rules, by the book, never anything in between kind of person. Yet DP's hot and cold personality drives me nuts. But I guess it is really two different things.

Last night was a bad night, this morning not much better. But then we had a lovely family lunch. They had to drive me to work this morning and DP hung out with the kids so all my work mates could see them and then we had lunch with a friend. DP and the kids headed over to one of the quads near the freshmen residences and DS played and ran around. It was a lovely lunch and nice to have the kids here.

A far cry from last night when I was certain that I could not take another thing. Of course that feeling is still there. There are moments when I am ready to just give up and give in to the evil depression monster. And then I look at the faces of my children and wonder how could I destroy their lives with my selfish actions and someone how I go on.

I wish this afternon could have lasted forever. No fighting, just laughter and fun.