TGIF

Well, in some ways I'm glad it is Friday. I need some rest! It looks like the peak nausea times will be from 10 -2 ish. I'm feeling kinda crappy right now. DP still does not want to talk to me. I am hoping we can talk tonight. I kind of avoided it last night because I just couldn't stay up all night talking and crying. The stress of this is making me feel worse and of course I have to relax - the stress is not good for me or the baby.

I'm thinking two blogs might be best. One for me and then a happy one for the rest of the world. There's just too much I don't want people to see.

Bad Day

Last night was a bad night at home so today has been a sad and depressing day. To top it off I am very tired and nauseous. I'd normally be happy to be going home, but the thought of returning to the extremes of silence or yelling is overwhelming and making me sad and scared. I've been e-mailing a friend yesterday and today who has a spouse with a personality similar to DP's. We have a lot of the same problems so at least I'm not alone in this. I was wondering the other day if I was the only person in the world in a strange relationship and I guess I am not. Small comfort however.

Still in shock

I haven't written in a few days. I've kind of been at a loss for words over here. I'm still in shock that I am actually pregnant. Someone on the NW board was questioning the "let down" or the change in going from the obsession of getting pregnant to the sudden calm of being pregnant. I liken it to a co-dependent relationship. It's bad for you but you miss it when it is gone! It was weird not to temp today or log on to FF to record every little thing!

I'm feeling a little depressed too. I'm so overwhelmed by all the work and remodeling going on at the house. Everything is such a mess and in such disaray and I'm tired, too tired to deal with it. Somehow I have to get the office/junk room cleaned out and prepared. I should be overjoyed, but at this moment I am overwhelmed. DP is mad at me for my lack of effort - what's new, that's the same old fight. But we just don't agree on how to arrange the house. I want to keep the same nursery and move DS to a new, big boy room. DP wants to leave DS in his current room and update it and then make a whole new nursery in the second room. Really, do we have to spend double the money? I think I'm avoiding cleaning up and organizing because I know there will be fights because we each will want it our own way. Someone please, in my next life remind me to be the ONLY control freak in the relationship - lol.

I've also been trying to figure out how to do a public blog that will be fit to read. Am I the only person in the world with all these relationship problems, yet still stick it out and make a life together? I don't have the time to keep up with 2 blogs, but I want to still be able to vent and be honest about my life and what I go through, yet I can't have family reading it. On the other hand I'd like to share the pregnancy journey with family from out of state - namely DP's family since this child has that biological connection.

DP told her family this weekend and they all took it well. I'm so happy about that!

So yes, there's a lot going on, as always, a lot on my mind....

Not sure what to think

I don't know what to make of my current symptoms. My temp is back up after yesterday's scary drop and I've not had any more spotting. I'm still cramping on and off and I truly feel that AF is just around the corner. The other day I wrote that I had some typical pre AF CM. It's always a yellow/green sticky blob. Then about 2 days later I'll get the brown tinged CM (that's what I had yesterday) and then in 2 days I'll get AF. I feel like I've lost all pregnancy symptoms and moved on the the moodiness and depression of PMS. I've felt down and tearful all day. My temper has been short, I have a headache. Sometimes I still feel waves of nausea. But mostly I feel PMS.

I don't know what to do beyond calling the doctor tomorrow and even then, what can they do except repeat my blood work. But if I'm not bleeding by tomorrow then I guess it will give me comfort to go and have another level drawn.

I'm praying that I'm wrong. I've googled all the early pregnancy symptoms and I know this can be PMS or pregnancy. So I'm trying to remain positive and hopeful.

Final Numbers are in

When I went to the doctor for my repeat blood work, my progesterone was in so here is the final analysis:

Blood was drawn on CD28, DPO 15
HCG: 54
Projesterone: 17.9

Should know todays results by Tuesday. Today is CD 32, DPO 19. Home test was very dark again this AM and turned positive almost before the control line. Still having pain from the left ovary, but there has been no more pre AF CM. Uterus feel full, but no cramping. Nausea comes and goes.

DP leaves for "home" tonight to help her sister with some financial isses. It's just going to be me and DS. I planned a playdate for tomorrow and then Sunday we are going to church to light some candles and offer prayers of thanks. And I need to clean the house. Ugh, something always needs cleaning.

I'm very bad

So we couldn't stand it yesterday and bought more pregnancy tests. The doctor not wanting to give me my number is really getting to us. So I did the test as soon as I got home. I'm on CD 30, 17 DPO (yesterday) and whoa - how past it went positive and dark too!! So I'm guessing my HCG is very high because with DS at CD 29 you could barely see it. So I did some research and found that very high HCG is a sign of molar pregnancy - VERY BAD or multiples - VERY GOOD. And that's where looking at the progesterone I guess can come in. High progesterone with high HCG could indicate these two situations. BUT none can be confirmed without an ultrasoound and it's too early for that. Molar pregnancies are not usually determined this early.

It's almost noon. 3 hours to go until I might have my results.

What?

Well I just called my doctor's office because I still hadn't heard from them. My HCG is back but my progesterone will not be back until probably tomorrow. The nurse said the doctor wanted to wait and see the progesterone number. She said he doesn't want to give me the HCG number until he sees the progesterone number because that number could put the HCG into perspective.

What on earth does that mean? It doesn't feel good to me.

I have a web conference at work so I haven't been able to call DP with this info yet.

Still waiting

Still waiting on test results. I had some yellow green CM today - the same CM I get a couple of days before AF. It I get any tan CM I'm going to totally freak out. My ovary is killing me so I can't tell if I'm having uterine cramping. I lost the other pregnancy on CD 33 and since then I've had 2 32/33 day cycles.

I have to relax and let it be God's will...

I'm staying off the boards and blogs for a few days...

Week 4

So today I am officially 4 weeks pregnant! I had a pretty good appointment at the doctor yesterday, although there is not that much they can do this early on. They did a urine pregnancy test and it was positive although the line was very light. I've done 4 at home and the lines get progressively darker so I felt good about that. I saw the doctor and had a brief exam and he said it was way to early for an ultrasound - their machine is just not sophisticated enough to pick up the gestational sac. Bummer! And obviously it is too soon for a heart beat! They did draw blood for a beta and progesterone level which hopefully will be back today. We discussed my history of PROM and agreed that I will most likely start progesterone therapy in weeks 20-30. My goal is to make it to at least 34 weeks. I forgot to ask if I can get the surfactant as a precaution later in pregnancy. I was lucky with DS that he didn't come right away and I was able to get the full protocol. I wonder if it is possible to get it even if I'm not showing signs of labor? Well, we'll see, I'm quite certain I'll be monitored far more closely this time around.

The doctor did say that he thinks the pain I am experiencing is a cyst on my lonely little ovary. It hurt like hell when he pushed on it and now today it is so tender and sore. He said the ovary is not enlarged so it is either a small cyst or the corpus luteum that is causing the pain. He said it is too early to diagnose ectopic pregnancy which was my fear. I hope whatever it is, that it will just go away. I need my little ovary and my tube over there on the left side! I've already lost the ones on the right. Although DP and I did discuss yesterday that if this pregnancy goes to term, we will most likely stop at 2. We will be so blessed that how could we hope for more? But even so, I still would like to have my last ovary remain intact!!

So that's it for now. I go back in 4 weeks so long as the blood tests come back okay.

I did almost die when I got on the scale though. I haven't lost a single pound from the first baby. I'm not sure how I am going to find maternity clothes in my size. I barely found any 30 pounds ago. Supposedly at this weight, I wouldn't really need to gain anything during pregnancy and I'm going to work really hard at doing that. There is no way my heart and knees could handle another 30 pounds. My goal this week is to map out a pregnancy diet to follow and to start walking.

I really can't believe this is happening! I'm so excited and still so scared and cautiously hopeful. But you know even at only 4 weeks it's hard to to get way ahead of yourself with the excitement factor.

I'll leave you with this little exchange between us and the doctor (who I love - we've been going to this practice since we moved here and there is a gay nurse there so we feel so good and accepted):

Dr. walking into the room: "Hey what are you guys doing here? I was just thinking about you the other day!"

Me: "I'm 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant!"

Dr.: "How did that happen?"

This is the same guy who tried to give me the birth control talk at my 6 week post-partum after DS was born. Sometimes the thinks he's so funny!

CD 25 DPO 12

Well, it's nice to not have to think of catchy titles for a change! So yesterday DP really wanted me to stop after class and pick up a pg test. I finally agreed and stopped at Food Lion. It is the only thing I bought and right away the check out lady was like "Ooh, honey do you want it to be a yes or a no?" I said "Oh, a yes, most definitely a yes." And she smiled and told me she would pray for me. Mind you this has happened before - in fact it happened almost every month of TTC when I would buy a test at Food Lion. At Walmart no one ever says anything. And honestly, I don't think they should say anything. But this is the South and I guess the ladies at Food Lion are different. Babies are good things! On Wednesday, on the van pool, this Italian lady who I just love, asked me if I was ever going to try again (she knows about the miscarriage) and I just smiled and said I hoped to someday. And then this morning one of my staff members was talking to me about how she's worried she's not going to have enough leave for maternity leave (they haven't even started trying yet, but she's one of those super planners) and I told her about the shared leave plan and she was like "Oh are you going to try to have another one?" And I said yes, if that's what God intended.

It's so funny that so many people would just out of the blue bring it up here at the almost end of my TWW. So back to last night. I was feeling kinda crappy and DP kept saying she was sure I was pregnant, there was no way it could be PMS. I told her I didn't want to get my hopes up, that it really was still too early. I didn't test positive until day 28 with DS and here it is only day 24. But to humor her I said I would test Friday morning with FMU. Well last night I was feeling worse and DP begged me to test the next time I had to pee. I really didn't want to, I'm not ready to be disappointed I told her. Please, let's wait until day 28. If I don't have the telltale CM, I'll be happy and more confident. I reminded her too about the month I lost the baby. Testing positive even though I had the telltale CM and then having my period start the next day. I so am not ready to go through that again!

But I caved, yes, I caved and I went and tested. I left the stick in the bathroom, it was too much to stand there and watch it for 3 minutes! After about 10 minutes I walked back into the bathroom. I took a deep breath, turned on the light, and walked over to the counter. I couldn't even pick the stick up, I was so nervous, so not ready for what I was sure I was going to see.

And then I looked. And the tears were instant. And I thanked the Food Lion lady for her prayers. And I praised God for this blessing, for this gift, for this joy after so many heartaches.

And then I brought my BFP pregnancy test into the kitchen to show DP.

Yes, it's a BFP. A BFP. I'm over the moon happy, scared to death too. I'm cautiously hopeful, cautiously happy. AF will not officially be late for another 3 days. I tested again this morning and I swear the line was lighter so that makes me a little bit nervous.

And now I'm waiting for my ob's office to call me back. I need to get an appointment now to go over the plan for trying to prevent another pre-term rupture of membranes. But the receptionist won't give you an appointment until 8 weeks. I had to leave a message for the nurse. Hopefully they will get me in soon. I have to do everything possible to make it to 34 weeks with this pregnancy.

I'm still having those twinges, they are not cramps, but it's a little pinching feeling that I did not have ever before. It's making me nervous. We told my boss just now. I called DP on speaker phone and we told her together. She was very excited!! We are not telling anyone else. It's too soon. And I only told my boss now "just in case" I have to be out or something happens!! She is very supportive!!

I pray this baby sticks and I can have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Please God, hear my prayer!!

3 weeks, 3 days pregnant. Due date is April 28, 2009. Two days before my 40th b-day. The most perfect gift.

CD 24 DPO 11

Temp went back up and nausea (very slight) is now 24/7 with headache that comes and goes. BB's are sore here and there with some tingling. CM is very slight, but EW in appearance.

Of course it means nothing, had this before and not been PG, but I will say the queasiness I sometimes get with PMS in not usually constant, it's more fleeting. And today I have had heartburn after every meal - breakfast, snack and now lunch.

DP wants me to pick up a test tonight for FMU tomorrow. I'd still like to wait a bit - just not ready for disappointment. And just before AF I have a certain CM pattern that ALWAYS is right on for AF starting 2-3 days later. So with CD 28 being Monday, that CM should show up around Saturday. I've been having lots of twinges. Not really cramps - more like a pinch or a poke.

I don't want to get my hopes up....

About DP

Well she wasn't pissed about the coffee, just mad that I did not warm up the car enough before I pulled out of the driveway! She says I'm gonna blow the engine if I pull out right away. What say Mark Wondra car man genius?

Work is never dull

So I'm sitting at my desk this afternoon and all of a sudden I feel a little pinch on my big toe. I look under my desk and what do I see. A HUGE bug. Here he is....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Amerikanische_Grossschabe_2.JPG

If this was Florida we could call him a palmetto bug which is just a nice way of saying cockroach. Nice. In our office. I caught him and put him outside. He was just too big to kill. It would have made an awful crunch and I didn't have the heart. Time to have our admin call the exterminator. I still have chills and that feeling that bugs are crawling all over me.

CD 23 DPO 10

Well, my temp dropped a bit this morning. I am officially becoming obsessed. I went to bed last night with nausea. Have a little bit now too this morning. I'm very tired today but I also stayed up late, the baby was up during the night, and it is rainy and dreary today. Feeling a little bloated but no cramps. Why do my PMS symptoms have to mimic early pregnancy symptoms.

I almost missed the bus this AM. It started raining while I was putting the dogs out so suddenly no one wanted to go out and Molly wouldn't come back in! She found something to bark at. DP was asleep until right as I was going out the door. She didn't even speak to me. She's pretty nasty when she wakes up and I did not make her a cup of coffee. She was asleep! But she'll be pissed anyway that I did not stop to make it before I went out the door. Oh well, I did not have the time at that point. She went out on the porch to smoke and did not even wave back to me. But really I can't concern myself with her moods.

It will be busy at work today. We canceled about 2,000 students yesterday and the e-mail box is already full!!

Symptom update

CD 22 9 DPO:

Nausea just hit with a headache and just had that pinching feeling again. I have never noticed any pinching feelings until this week. Nausea could be sugar high - I have to keep going to the other manager's office to ask q's and she has good chocolate on her desk!

No symptoms

No symptoms at all today. I actually feel pretty good all the way around. The nausea and headache and PMS feelings from yesterday morning did not repeat today. My temp is still up. This is the highest it has been of my last 3 non-medicated cycles. It's hard to compare it to all my clomid cycles. It's still a long wait until Monday though!!

Work continues to be very busy. Bills were due and we are scheduled to run cancellation at 3 PM. I've really been trying to help out and I think my boss is pleased - yay brownie points!! Even though it is not my direct area, if I want to advance in the office, I have to learn it. The next step up would be to manage multiple divisions. It's been hard because there is still so much I don't know. I've been working on answering student e-mails and I've definitely learned alot and I'm proud of myself.

Home has been fine for the last couple of days. No major fighting or problems. I was tired last night so tonight I need to step it up a bit. I think DP is being a little forgiving because of the Olympics.

Nice Weekend

We had a nice weekend! Nephew's gf arrived Friday night and we spent all day Saturday at the beach. DP and nephew fished while gf and I hung out with the baby on the beach and swam and relaxed. It was a really lovely time. Sunday we did some errands, got the car washed, and went to eat at IHOP. We had the worst service. The kitchen could not keep up with the orders. I felt badly for the servers. After about an hour wait, we finally got our food, only someone else took nephew's plate and we didn't get any of our sides. We ended up getting nephew's meal for free and another 20% off the bill. DS was so tired and hungry by the time we were served that he had the biggest meltdown of his little 2 year old life! We had to take him out of the restaurant twice. I'd never seen him act this way. He went right to bed when we got home and slept all though the night! Poor little man!

The a/c upstairs broke on Friday, but luckily we had a break in the humidity this weekend and with the windows open and the ceiling fans going, everyone was okay upstairs at night! It probably won't be fixed until at least Wednesday. We have a great service company and the sent someone out right away Friday night at no extra charge. But unfortunately we need a part and it could not be ordered until today!!

On the TWW, I had a temp dip yesterday and a huge rise today. Feeling a bit queasy and still having little cramps here and there. Friday I felt like PMS had hit me big time and yesterday I was very weepy. This morning I had one, yes just one, tingling nipple. It kind of felt like they did right before my milk would let down when I was nursing. It's still way too early for anything seeing as I'm on CD21 today. It's hard not to get worked up over it. I'm trying not to read into every little thing. Ever since I took the clomid, nausea has been a big thing during my cycle even when I get BFN. I've never had that before. But the clomid has really messed with my hormones, it's really changed my overall monthly cycle. So even on the months that I didn't inseminate, I still get all the same symptoms during the TWW. It is so very unfair!!

So that's where we are. Nephew and gf are moving back home Thursday and I don't know if he'll be able to get here next month if we need to try again. I'm trying not to worry about that now, but I can't help but think how much harder it will be now that he lives about 900 miles away instead of 300! I hope I'm busy this week and this weekend so I don't think about things too much. The Olympics will keep me occupied at night!! Last night was awesome. A graduate from the University where I work won a medal and another, although he did not medal, recorded his personal best! My faves are all swimming and diving events (including synchro), gymnastics, beach volley ball, and most track and field. I love it all really, but swimming, diving and gymnastics are my "can't miss" events!!

Back to work, lots to do this week to make up for a rather lazy last week!!

I'm running out of titles for my posts

I never know what to write in that box at the top of the page. It actually stresses me out sometimes - lol. So first things first, I'm so sure of fresh sperm that this tww is officially killing me. Day 28 of my cycle won't be until the 18th so I have a looooong way to go! I've had that pinching in my uterus a little more. But otherwise nothing to indicate that I could be pregnant.

DP really stressed me out today. She has called me about 25 times today for some small crisis or other. Today the upstairs a/c unit does not seem to be working. That took at least a dozen calls. I placed the service call, but geesh these things take time. I think part of the problem is that DP is very high-strung. Have I mentioned that before. I'm pretty laid back and easy going for the most part. I only get up set about things that could have been avoided. Why get upset over a broken a/c unit. We didn't break it - it just happened. But if it broke because DP was messing with it, then I'd be pissed. Do you see what I'm saying?

I'm tired today and I want to write about alot of things, but I don't seem to have the words right now. I'm tired of having to work outside the home and manage things at the house too. Thanks for the support Tammy. I'm glad someone else sees that it is not quite fair. Pretty soon I am going to turn the bill paying and all that stuff over to DP. I can't be stressing about it and dealing with it all from work.

I hope we have a nice weekend. The plan is to go to the beach tomorrow and then relax on Sunday. I did most of the laundry this week so that chore is done.

Well, this is a crappy post. I guess I have too much on my mind - it's all jumbled together and I can't get any words out. But I'm okay - I'm looking forward to relaxing with nephew's gf. It'll be nice to have some company with the baby since nephew and DP will most likely go off and fish.

Until Monday....

It just goes on...

And now she just called me in a bad mood because she can't find the cans of sloppy joe in the pantry. I have no idea where it is. I am sick of these calls at work - THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO FROM HERE! I can not look for it, I can not tell her where it is. And then she gets pissy with me.

OMG - hold that last post

Do you see what I mean? ARGHHHH! DP just called me back to talk about the animals and to tell me that they were going to the dump and then to the store and could she get a couple of fishing things and then wanted to ask if I had ordered our new cell phones (2 years is up - we can trade in for new phones - yay!)

Not one nasty tone, not one mention of the conversation of just 15 minutes ago where I had to hang up before the tears fell.

I can't keep up with it. Something is definitely wrong with her. Is it a psychosis? I'm going to have to google mood swings.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

Still mad

Well DP is still mad at me. I got home last night and she and nephew ran right out to go fishing. I enjoyed my alone time with the baby! I fed the dogs, DS and I had dinner together, played and then we went to bed and I started my chores. Newphew wanted McD's so they called to see if I wanted anything. I said no, what a surprise, but I was trying to be good. DP brought me a chocolate shake which was also a surprise since she is constantly on my case to lose weight. I thought that meant things were better. But something is still pissing her off because she slept on the couch again and refused to speak to me this AM and so far won't answer the phone today when I call from work. I just don't get it. I cleaned up poop last night as promised and worked on the laundry, emptied the dishwasher, washed a bunch of dishes, ran dishwasher with vinegar to clean it out, put all the dogs out again before bed. Prepared my lunch and clothes. I'm not sure what else she wants from me in the 3 hours I have from the time the baby goes to bed until I go to bed. As it is, I'm going to bed after 11 pm and getting up at 5:30 am which is not enough sleep for me at all. I'm tired all the time.

But you know what else? I'm tired of being so sad. I'm angry at myself for not working out a solution to I don't have to be so sad. Nephew is justl ike DP and his gf's advice to me is that we just have to ignore their moods and get a tougher skin. She seems to handle it all much better than I do. I wish I knew what the answer was. Do I leave? Will it be better that way? Do I stay and accept DP for who she is, mood swings and rantings and all?

Wow it's so tough to process all this. I really want to know if other people co-exist like this.

Ok, DP just called me. Apparently not only is she mad at me for using a disrespectful tone with her in front of her nephew, but she's also mad because I don't do enough to keep the house clean. She doesn't want to talk to me, wants nothing to do with me. But that's all I can say about it now. I had to hang up on her so I would not cry at work - have no privacy for that - and I'm not going to allow myself to get stressed.

I don't know what else to do. I work all day. I'm tired when I come home. She stays home all day. She should be responsible for more around the house. She used the abby as an excuse. "I can't get anything done when he's up". She has been saying that since the day we decided she should stay home. Housewives are supposed to take care of the kids and the home. Why do I have to work 40 hours a week plus 10 more in commuting to come home and have another 4-5 hours of work? I think I should be able to come home and relax. I'm not saying do nothing. I have no problem feeding and putting out the dogs and of course I love my bedtime routine with the baby. And laundry and dishes are fine too. But why should I have to vacuum and dust and clean bathrooms too. She wants to play on the weekend. There is no reason why she can't do all of this plus the yard work in the 5 days she is at home. But apparently she thinks it's enough that she has to watch the baby.

This is never going to get resolved. I really think there are two solutions. Break up or I bow down to her and become a dutiful wife that serves the home in addition to the job I do that brings in the paycheck. And clearly I have yet to be capable of the second choice.

Oh and I have been waiting for 3 weeks now for her to finish the closet floors so I can put everything back in the closets and in our bedroom. She also has to fix my dresser so that can be moved. The house would be alot cleaner if she got organized and did her part. But remember, she's a hypocrite. She accuses me of being lazy and I admit it. Too bad she can't see the truth about herself.

Life is a roller coaster

Yes, that's my life. DP is mad at me again - stupid stuff. Some times I just don't care. I'm trying not to stress about it. I wasn't even sure why she was mad at me at first. Last night I was putting the dogs out at 10 pm and I was sitting in the garage reading the paper. Nephew came out to say good night and when I came back in the house DP was pissed at me for sitting and reading the paper and then she said she cleaned up dog poop and there better not be any tomorrow (today). Well I snapped back at her that I clean it up when they are eating supper. It is dark in the morning when I let them out and same again before bed. The only time I have when I can see is right after work. She didn't need to do it during the day. It's the hypocrite in her. She can yell and speak badly to me, but I am not allowed to do the same to her. I must always conduct myself with respect while she can treat me like crap.

Oh well.

So Monday my bb's were really sore and nipples very sensitive. Tuesday I had that pinching low. And once or twice today. But otherwise that's it. FF said I O'd on day 13. Who knows really since my signs are all out of alignment. Going to try and relax and just be surprised if it is BFP and not get too stressed of BFN. ha, tune back in when I'm devastated in 2 weeks. Oh well.

Very busy at work, plus stress at home. Also trying to eat better and drink more water which means many trips to the bathroom!! That's all for now!

Update

As is the usual case in my life, the last 4 days have been a roller coaster. DP and the crew had a long drive with alot of traffic and they had to stop many times. As a result they did not get in until 5 am on Saturday. It was very frustrating because I really felt Friday was the day for insemination. They were so tired that everyone went right to bed. I couldn't sleep but did manage to rest for about 2 hours before the baby got up at 10 am. During the night I only slept about 2 hours as well. DP got up and we fought all day. She did not notice anything I HAD done and only criticized me for what I did NOT do. It was awful, it was almost like a repeat of that horrible Monday that I have yet to write about. She threatening to leave, me crying and feeling so small and worthless. Finally later in the day she apologized which was surprising. Nephew did not get up until 4 pm and I was in such a bad mood because I felt like my window was gone. My temp was still low and I had saliva ferning on my microscope but the EWCM was just gone. But then low and behold don't I get a positive on my OPK! I wasn't going to use them because of my history of false positives on day 8 during my clomid cycles. But on Friday I picked some up just in case. I wasn't able to get a speculum from my doctor so I figured what the heck. So we inseminated when he got up and then again at like 1 am. Sunday my temp had still not risen and I still had ferning so we went ahead and inseminated again on Sunday night. I also started to feel what might have been O pain, but I also felt that around day 8 so I don't know. It's hard to say about the CM because once we inseminated I did seem to have a watery discharge, but that could be seminal fluid since we were using fresh and doing vaginal insemination. My temp did rise on Monday morning but I still felt like I was having O pain and I still had ferning. OPK went negative Saturday night and stayed that was. I only got one positive reading out of 7 sticks. So we went ahead and inseminated again last night. Temp was the same this morning.

So let's see. I'm having some little twinges on the left side, kind of pinching quick and then it goes away. I'm kicking myself for not charting everything all month very carefully. I just figured with nephew only being here certain days, it just didn't matter. But for my own piece of mind I wish I could know how I did with timing. I really need to get some speculums because it would have been helpful to see if my cervix was open and if there was any CM up there.

So on another note, it really was a crazy weekend. We went to the beach on Sunday and the baby loved the ocean. DP and nephew went off to the pier to fish and left me alone with the baby for 4 hours. I was pissed. It was very hard to manage the wind, mind the baby, watch our stuff, all alone! It got so windy at around 4 pm that I called them and said come back. Plus it was over a 2 hour drive home and I was tired. DP was pissed at me because she was having a nice time. Geesh we were there for 5 hours and I was having a horrible time. The baby was in a bad mood and he screamed the whole way home. Monday I called in sick. I got no sleep Sunday and I was just too tired. Plus DP had a doctors appointment and I wanted to go to it. Also nephew might be staying the week. My SIL who works for the airlines got him a companion pass to fly but we totally forgot that there is a dress code for employees and family that fly on the passes. You have to wear dress clothes and of course nephew only has jeans and sneakers. He doesn't want to have to go buy clothes. So I think he's going to stay the week and then either we'll drive him back to DC (just 4 hours) or his gf will come get him and stay the weekend. Then they will pack up the apartment in DC and move back home to live with his mom and help her out - I think I mentioned that his dad is dying of liver cancer and is in hospice now. So that seems to be the plan. I was happy because it meant an extra insemination just in case we weren't too late with the timing. Of course my book says go with the gut and that says Friday was it. But I'm going to try and keep a good attitude.

Newphew needs to find a job back home now. His gf got a transfer so she's all set. He wants to go work with my SIL at the airport which would be nice because he could have a flexible schedule and fly for free. That would help us alot with future inseminations. DP is having an ultrasound of her legs today to try to find out why they are swelling. Newphew is going to go with her because I needed to come to work. When I called out I said it was because the baby was sick. I couldn't exactly say it was because I just didn't feel like working - lol!

It's always something. I'm so envious of people who seem to have such a peaceful life. Mine is chaotic. DP's mood swings are horrible.

I need to find a happy post in me. Maybe at lunch!

Waiting

It's going to be a late night - the family is only about half-way home. Ugh. At least that gives me more time to clean. Pressure motivates me! I went out today and got all the errands done - picked up the home insemination supplies. No positive OPK yet, but still have ferning and watery to egg white CM seems to be returning. No temp rise either (I wasn't going to but I started temping - won't be much help since I didn't start with day one). So again this one is in God's hands. It will be tomorrow (after midnight sometime) when we get to inseminate.

So I forgot a couple of grocery items at the store. I always forget to put something on the list. I'm getting alot of cleaning done. Trying to focus on one room at a time. I'm going to try to come up with a daily schedule of what I need to commit to and I hope DP and I can make one for her too. I really want things to be better. Let's see if this time away can help us to start fresh.

That's all for now - have to finish putting dogs out - they just ate supper. And then it's back to cleaning!

Today's Plan

DP and DS come home tonight! I'm going to clean from 10-12 and then take a break and then probably again from 1-3. This afternoon I have to go food shopping and to the post office. Tonight I must pay bills.

I owe Tammy a happy list post. I promise to do it soon!

Not feeling good about TTC timing. EWCM is gone, but it has the tendency to come back. At this point in my life (compared to TTC for DS) it seems I'm 3 days earlier with everything. But according to my book, some women do ovulate twice. At this ripe old age of 39 could that be? LOL. Who knows. Let's just see how it goes. It's in God's hands now.

Okay, so it's off to clean like a good wife. Lord how I hate housework though!!