Some good news

Well my boss did tell the big boss that my position needs to be appealed. They have 15 days. I hope big boss agrees to it. So that is some good news.

And it's Friday and I get to have a whole weekend with my little man. Here are pictures from the park this week.

Disappointments at work

The place where I work is slowly moving from a state graded system to something called banding. Today I got my banding results. I am highly disappointed and highly insulted. I am a manager, was hired as a manager, and have been placed just below the manager classification and in the middle range, not even at the top. I'm not sure what this is all about. In addition, the salary for my placement is exactly what I am making now so there goes any hope of a raise. I barely make more than my staff as it is. My supervisor was also slighted and the big boss is going to appeal. A peer of mine was rated the same as my boss. My boss is going to talk to the big boss about my placement but I'm truly unable to feel hopeful about it.

I have had this difficult staff person to manage and so many issues. Even though I've done the best I could and no one before me could do any better, I will surely be penalized for not being able to bring said staff memeber into the team spirit. I'm so not looking forward to my review. All this year I felt like I was doing a pretty good job considering the staff I had been handed and the problems I inherited. My bad employee got banded too - the 2 others were banded last year. Employee was not happy either - even though they got more than what was fair. I went to discuss with my boss this afternoon and was snapped at because I guess they are very busy today.

I'm tired and I just want to run away. No more problems at work or home, just take the baby and get a little tiny apartment in some small no name place in America. I could learn to wait tables and we can live on PBJ and hope, right?

Oh this too shall pass as do most of my complaints in life...

Hauled 40 boxes of Pergo into the house last night so it could adjust to house temperature in preparation for installation on Saturday. I have my fingers crossed that this floor will go down in a weekend and not take as long as the tile. It feels good to slowly get things put back together. I'm not sure if i mentioned that I found a puppy in the tornado warning last Tuesday. I'm too tired to go back and see what else I could be repeating...so anyway, she's going up for adoption through a local agency this weekend. But in the meantime she chewed the woodwork that we just patched. Once she's gone we'll have to replace the whole thing. And re-paint the laundry room again because she pushed the door open and it hit the wall and part of where she chewed, it wrecked the paint. Cute puppy, hope she finds a good home!

I guess I'd better get back to work even though today's news has left me feeling like just packing up my desk and saying see ya. Oh and I've been looking at the dewar Northwest has for storing sperm at home. Buying 2 vials for next month will be about $550. The tank is about $600. I just need to figure out how to store the sperm. I'm thinking that when nephew comes to visit he could make lots of deposits! I'll need to find liquid nitrogen - where the heck do you get that? We looked at those little shippers since it will be hard for nephew to come except on weekends and even then I'd have to help pay for transport and of course so far I haven't ovulated on a weekend in a long time and since AF will be here any moment it doesn't look good this time around either. Anyway, need to do more investigating because nephew will probably be here 3 days at the 4th of July - no O then either - but we could collect 3 days of deposits which could probably fill 3 vials each for a total of 9. Maybe I'll post a q to NWA message board. Or Michelle's. I haven't posted there yet.

Quick Update

It's been busy around here! I took last Friday off to make it a 4 day weekend. We got the kitchen and laundry room floor scrubbed and sealed and put back together. The living room floor work starts Saturday! I have company coming on the 4th of July for a week and I am praying that the downstairs will be done by then. We had some family time this weekend, but with gas prices, opted not to go far from home. My mom stressed me out this week. She called Thursday night to tell me that my aunt would be in town Saturday-Monday. Apparently she was on her way north for the summer and was planning to stop over Saturday night just to sleep but then changed her mind. My mom wanted to get together. This is one of the aunts who we confided in and she turned on us and thinks we're too harsh on my mom. She hasn't spoken to me in almost a year. She always hated my father, even stayed with us last time she was here so she wouldn't have to deal with him. Anyway, we had plans for the weekend so I said no, sorry, we can't get together. Boy was my mom pissed, you could here her whole voice and tone change on the phone. She said "I'll have auntie call you when she gets here". Like that is going to intimidate me into changing my mind? Our nephew was supposed to be coming down with his girlfriend again (they ended up not coming but we didn't know that until Saturday). I don't know how you can expect to call someone at the last minute and want them to drop all their plans for you. So then Sunday my aunt calls our house (not the cell because of course I would answer that!) and leaves this message and you can hear she's annoyed: "hello, I heard you had company so I won't get to see you this trip". She basically stated verbatum what I said to my mom. Then she thought she'd hung up the phone, but hadn't and started talking to my mom and it recorded on our machine. In a really nasty voice she said "There, how was that?" It just goes to show me that my mom forced my aunt to call and she didn't really want to. They are all so annoying, my mom for manipulating people and my aunt for giving in to it. I didn't even call back, but I saved the message so if they say anything to me I can see "see got ya". I had a long talk with my borther about it Monday night. He hates my parents - he was even more affected than me by all the verbal and emotional abuse and my mom hit him more than she hit me. I tried to be perfect and stay out of her way so I managed to escape with only a few beatings in my life - my brother took a few more. Anyway, I told him that I am very close to telling her to forget she has a daughter. He keeps telling me that DP and my son are all that matter and I deserve to be happy now. It's so complicated. I'm so busy at work and home that I don't even have the energy to write about it properly. I need someone to talk to - do I go back to therapy? I have so many problems in my relationship. DP is a very moody and short tempered person. She runs hot and cold from one minute to the next. I'm falling apart from the stress of pleasing her and trying to please my mom. But the truth is, the honest ugly truth is that I don't even care if I never saw my parents again. I only care selfishly about having to live with the guilt of that. But I honestly don't miss them, I hate being around them. I don't know what to do, rambling here doesn't help, it only stresses me out more. I hate reading the blogs, everyone is always so happy and positive. My blog is depressing. My mind is in a constant fog, I'm constantly tired and sad and stressed. It's not healthy for me or my relationship. My only bright spot is the baby - his very presence lifts me up. But everything around us is a struggle. His b-day is coming up and my mom is going to maybe want to see him - the just for show thing again and DP ruled this weekend that my mom is no longer welcome - I can go see her if I want but that's it. I'm surrounded by control freaks. DP told me I had to choose her or my mom and that if I chose my mom she would take her son with her. I want to say I choose no one and run far far away with the baby. I need to snap out of it and make some decisions and take a stand. I hate conflict but it's finally time to face it head on.

Nice weekend

We had such a lovely weekend! DP's nephew and his girlfriend drove down from DC to visit. We did yeard work and housework while we waited for their arrival on Saturday and then just hung out Staurday night watching movies and eating chinese food. Sunday we took them around town and then ended up at a local park with a fishing lake. DP and nephew fished while girlfriend and I took baby on a walk around the trails. It was a lovely day. We finished up with dinner at Golden Corral - a buffet to please all palates - most especially the 2 year old palate! Although we are lucky, DS will eat anything so long as he can gum it up! Poor child still only has 4 front teeth on the top and 2 on the bottom. But the pediatric dentist says they are up there - he could see them on the x-ray - he's not worried - see ya in 6 months! Ok, an almost 2 year old should have more teeth...but I didn't go to medical school so what do I know?

Gosh, we had such a nice time with "the kids" - we haven't been able to stop talking about it. This is the first time I've met DP's nephew. He was living in Jersey when we were in Boston, then NYC, then back to Boston after we went south. They just moved to DC a couple of months ago. He's the one who is going to donate to us and now that I've met him, I'm so excited about it. Frist of all he's very handsome, dark latin eyes, tall...and he looks like he could be DP's son. it will be so awesome to have a child she can havea biological connection to. Not that she loves our DS any less...

I'm trying to learn to deal with DP and her oddeties and attitude. She's very "machismo" for a woman, but I guess that's the latin upbringing combined with the butch. I'm realizing more and more though that she is just like my mom - controlling and negative. I'll never be perfect enough for either one of them - I disappoint them both at every turn. You'd think after 6 years together we'd be in some comfy routine. Some days I think I should run far away, and other days we have the snippets of good times. I'm so torn as to what to do. I'm very conflicted and it is stressing me out!

I have to go on a diet - why do I have to love to eat so much, why does food have to taste so good? I want to get up in the morning and walk, but I don't sleep well at night so I can't get out of bed in the morning. It's a vicious circle and I'm talking and writing in circles because I dont; know where to start or stop with anything these days.

But it was a nice weekend - lovely weather and lovely company and DS kept me amused with his many discoveries on our walk. Who would have known that rocks and burrs could be so much fun?

Tagged

Okay, I was tagged for a meme by Tammy! It's my first tag and first meme - I've never done this before!

Four things I did ten years ago:
1. Realized that I never should have gotten married and started therapy to figure out what the hell to do with my life.
2. Went back to the school where I had worked for years - I left because my boss would not consider me for a promotion and then when the girl they hired didn't work out, my boss regreted it and hired me back to the higher position!
3. Took up running and got in the best shape of my life. Too bad I didn't stick with it!
4. Mastered driving a stick shift!

Four things I did five years ago:
1. Sold my house in the northeast and moved south with DP and bought our first house together.
2. Divorce from ex-husband finally becomes official.
3. Became very involved with dog rescue.
4. Cried on baseball opening day because it was my first year without season tix to the Red Sox and then signed up for the baseball package on cable!

Four things I did yesterday:
1. Hung out with DP's nephew and GF who came to visit us this weekend from DC.
2. Went fishing at the lake and took DS on a nature walk.
3. Ate dinner at Golden Corral which DS just loves!
4. Folded laundry after our company left.

Four shows I love to watch:
1. Any and all reality tv - Survivor, Real World, Apprentice, Super Nanny, Wife Swap - I love it all!
2. Anything on Food Network
3. O'Reilly Factor and Greta on FOX
4. BASEBALL

Four things I love to do:
1. Spend time with my son.
2. Work in the garden.
3. Go to the beach.
4. Watch baseball.

I don't really have anyone to tag back. No one knows I have a blog and I only have a couple of readers from Northwest. I like it that way though. This is the only private and independent thing I have....

The love of my life

I Knew I Loved You
by Savage Garden

Maybe it's intuition
but some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes,
I think I found my best friend
I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
but I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see
the missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home
I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
but I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life


Arms Wide Open
by Creed

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is gonna change
I closed my eyes, began to pray
Then tears of joy streamed down my face

(chorus)
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

(chorus)
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything
Oh yeah
With arms wide open, wide open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
That he can greet the world
With arms wide open

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything
Oh yeah
With arms wide open, wide open


I heard these songs on the radio not long after I found out I was pregnant and I sing them to him all the time. He is the moon, the stars, the sun. He is the reason I live and breath. He brings me joy I never knew was possible! This picture was taken at Christmas, December 2007. Two year old b-day pictures coming soon in June!

Congratulations California

It's a great day for a wedding in California today! And another step closer to liberty and equal justice for all!!

And could that woman on O'Reilly last night just shut up about this paving the way for polygamists and child molesters? Um hello? One wife is more than I can handle, thank you very much - I'm not looking for more and um, I like my women grown up and mature. Geesh two people of the same sex entering into a committed union does just not equate to multiple spouses and child abuse. And I'll probably alientate a whole lot of people when I say that so long as they are not abusing children or forcing people against their will, I don't have a major problem if any one wants multiple spouses. Now cults, I have a problem with those and some polygamist groups appear to have cult like mentality...but again, I'm not going to judge consenting adults - NOTE I SAID ADULTS - in how they choose to live their lives together so long as they are being good and decent and don't rape, murder or steal.

Wouldn't I be the hypocrite if I did?

All I want to do is live a good and decent life loving my neighbor (and my wife) as I wish to be loved by others.

Now of course these days there's not alot of love in my house, but that's another story for another day.

Today I just want to be proud of being gay and be happy for my brothers and sisters who are blazing a trail state by state!!

Names do hurt

sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me
we chant as children
to the bullies who taunt us
so not true
what do you do
when the words cut you like a knife
insults spew daily like venom
driving a deeper wedge between
there is no love
only obligation binds the two
and fear
of the threats
and what will surely be lost
trapped
no where to run, no place to hide
frozen, empty, dejected, demoralized, alone
regret
does hope ever truly spring eternal as they say?

Happy Friday

I'm so glad that the weekend is here. I've been having a hard time logging in today and I've tried to post several comments only to be given an error message. I was wondering how Tammy was feeling and mark too and wanted to thank Shari for the support!

I called and got all the details about the van pool and if there is a space available June 1 I will join. I found out work will pay $15 a month towards the cost and so that means I'll only have to pay about $57. Considering it costs me about $50 a week to fill up my oh so very NOT eco-friendly SUV, this will be a considerable savings to both my wallet and the earth!! It will be an adjustment not having a car on campus, but heck I lived in Boston for years without a car and grew to love the "T". I can do this!

I hope we have a nice weekend. I did not make plans to do anything with my mom - I sent her a card and that was it. But already I'm feeling guilty about not doing something for her. But I'll try not to stress about it. I'm not sure what we have planned for the weekend for us - DP has been stressing about all the projects that need doing and I know we need to go to BJ's. We are out of everything!

I wish I had more to write but I'd probably just complain about the stress at work and home and my mom and I've done enough of that lately. I hope everyone has a good weekend!

CSA

I found a few farms in the area but as I thought, it is too late to join for this year. I'm going to keep looking into it, but I think I have identified one local place for produce and maybe eggs. We are doing as much organic as we can for the baby, but we think we are ready to take the next step for ourselves and to introduce more organic in general. I've found one place that does meat, but I think it is too far away. I'm going to do more - thanks to Shari, she really got me motivated! I feel like we have to do something to stand up and protest gas prices and everything else. No matter what I have to drive somewhere for my shopping. If I drive to the farm instead of Walmart, I've at least saved on the transportation cost of the produce from the farm to the store! I'm also thinking of joining a commuter van. I'll cut my commuting costs by at least half and help save the environment too. I know I'll never get a real protest going - one where all the world joins in to take a stand. But at least I can do it and then maybe make one other person change by seeing my example.

Busy

It's been busy the last few days both at home and at work. The laundry room and kitchen floors are almost done! All the tile is down, all that is left is sealing the floor which should happen this week. We also have some painting to finish and general cleaning up but our goal is to be done by May 17th which is when my brother starts the living room floor. I can't believe how well things are finally coming along! We've had nothing but sub floor in the laundry room for so long...I keep walking in there in disbelief that it is finally done. It looks good but I'm already starting to panic about resale value - we're decorating to our taste and goodness knows what someone else will think of it someday!! But you know that professor who has been on tv lately - Randy Pausch - he said not to worry about resale and let your kids paint on the walls! Well, I'm not sure I'm ready for DS to paint on the walls, but I'm letting DP live a little and decorate to her heart's content!

Work is busy. I'm trying to get a manual written for my office and I'd love to have it done to present at my annual review at the end of the month. I'm hoping that work, along with a decent default rate - due to be down about 3% over last year!! - will garner me a raise of some sort! Let's see, merit raises are rare in these here parts of state government!

This is dogs to the vet time - one at a time - 6 times. The outdoor dogs will go to the groomer for baths too. I always let someone else give them their first after the winter bath! I'll keep up with it through the fall and then once the weather cools we take a bath break. Today marks 3 down and 3 to go. So far everyone has been healthy this year. My rescue work has really fallen off since the baby was born and I went back to work. I can barely keep up with the ones I have and I don't take in any more. Once these babies are gone, we'll be a one dog family. It's too expensive to board them all and I don't have any help - we can't get away at all. I've thought about trying to replace a couple of them, but they all have "issues" which made them hard to place in the first place and how they ended up with us rather than be euthanized. A couple of the big dogs are going on 8-9 years (all were rescue so we have no idea of exact birth dates) so it would be mean to send them somewhere else for the last few years of their lives.

DP's nephew can't come down this month since he already had vacation plans so we are supposed to try in June. As I've said before, let's see if he follows through. If he hasn't committed by the end of the summer I will have to go back to frozen and we'll try ICI at home - maybe - let's see where we are financially at that point.

Got the herbs in the ground last night - let's hope we didn't let them sit in the little pots too long. We have some flowers to plant and I think that will be it for this year. Hopefully the new trees will take - although we've read that we need pairs for proper pollentation. We got 4 different kinds - one of each, so I may be on the hunt next year for 4 more if that theory holds true!

And the car goes in tomorrow for some work! It's been a whole week of leaving the house earlier than usual and coming home later than usual - which of course I hate because witha 2 year old that goes to bed by 8 pm, it seriously cuts into my time with him each night. But I had class yesterday and we got out early so I got a bonus hour with him - I love when we can play outside before or after dinner which we did last night! We drew on the deck with sidewalk chalk and then "helped" DP clean up from all the planting. DS is turning out to be a very good "helper". He cracks me up - he was helping to push the wheel barrel and was just grunting with all the "effort". I was gonna pee my pants from laughing!

So that's my busy life - mother's day is coming up - these "holiday's of obligation" stress me out with my family. I think I'll just send my mom a card. My brother sent me one and didn't even mention DP. I didn't show it to her because she would be very offended. I was surprised at my brother - I might mention it to him. We'll see. Oh and SIL said she'll be down to visit for the 4th of July so I'm trying to get exact dates so I can take some vacation. I'm so happy she'll be here just after the baby's 2nd b-day and for her b-day too. I can't wait!!

Terra Cotta

Hey terra cotta walls are not so bad! It's looks nice so far - not sure what I'll think when we move on to the kitchen, but after the initial shock wore off last night, I'm already quite used to it! Birthday dinner was yummy too and my darling baby boy made me a card! Made quite a mess in the process, but gosh it is so worth it to have his little painting smears all over my card. Such love! There is no greater joy! It should be a busy weekend of house projects and shopping. I'm going to try not to think about work at all.

She's Unbelievable

Mom did not even ask how her grandson is. I don't expect her to ask about DP. She's such a selfish b*tch. What kind of grandmother does not ask about her grandkids - even if she is pissed at the moms? She proves over and over that she's all about appearances and only shows concern when others might be watching.

My sandwich was good at least.

DP started painting the laundry room today - new color to go over the one I originally chose and ended up coming out the color of butter and not going with the new floor at all. DP chose terra cotta which I think will be stunning but way too dark. It'll be a surprise when I get home for sure!! She's going for an old Italian, rustic, Tuscan kitchen kind of look. I'm just worried that it will look funny with the cabinets and appliances. It will be next year before we can upgrade those! We're doing the laundry/mud room and the kitchen the same since they are right next to each other. It's just easier. I ordered curtain swatches from Country Curtains last night. I can't wait to get home and see the paint color!!

Happy Birthday to Me!

39 years young today! I'm going to try and make it a good day inspite of all the stresses lately! DP is going to cook linguine with white clam sauce and has a tiramisu for my cake. I'm never sure which I like more - the Italian or the Puerto Rican but this year I'm choosing Italian! The weather is lovely today too.

I'm getting wicked stressed about lunch with mom today. How sick is that, that your heart races and your nerves are on edge just for having lunch with your mother? I can guarantee my son will never feel that way about me. I will not treat him the way my mom has treated me.

Had to leave work early yesterday to go to the dealer to see about the problems with the new car. It has been a very frustrating process and I'm not sure I'll ever buy a car there again. It's all getting resolved thank goodness and that's all that matters now. And they do have a cute little 5 speed and a new convertible that I just might need for the big 40 next year. Ha, ha, just kidding. I can barely afford the fact that we had to get one new car.

Issues at work continue and if I don't get a hold of my emotions and frustrations I'm the one who is going to get in trouble and not TE. My boss is getting sick of the drama too and that's not good for me!

AF is due shortly - I'm getting crampy and spotting. Of course this is GREAT because as soon as she starts I can calculate approximate O time and let DP's nephew know when he'll need to visit. I'm honestly not ready to try next month - wanted more time to lose weight - but since I'm not yet sure we can count on him, I thought we should go ahead and see what happens in case I need to go to plan C! But it's my birthday geesh and we have a nice and busy weekend planned. Cramps and AF would not be fun. Oh well!!

Maybe I'll write more after the big lunch with mom.