I live moment to moment. I never know what is going to set her off. We signed DS up for soccer. Like with everything else, I used her name as the parent, but left my e-mail and phone number because traditionally I handle all that "stuff". Well there was a problem and I left messages and took care of it. Last night at our first practice, who is listed as the parent on the roster? Me. Damn. She thought our friend the coach did it and she was mad because they are gay too and should no about "other parent always left out" syndrome. Turns out it was the YMCA guy so then she was fine when I told her the forms were filled out with her name. Had a nice time, had a good night. She was pleasant to me this morning. Then I call home and WHAM. Pissed as hell about the roster. Pissed that I did not clean up the dog kennels - even though I told her last night it was too dark to see when we got home. And she said nothing then. I've told her to find me her head lamp so I can see the poo and clean it up.

So now I sit in my office - pumping and crying. Not a day, not one single day can pass without tears.

If I did not have the children I would get in the car and go. Leave my stuff behind. Just take my cat and maybe a dog. Or maybe none of them. Just go and start over. But instead I have to face the bed I made. My friend told me this weekend we should just move in together and help each other with the kids. She has relationship issues as well. I laughed and smiled at the time. But really, if they break up and we break up, it's not a bad idea. It actually feels good to know that there is a back up plan. But she also thinks we won't break up. That DP would never leave me. If only she could see the truth.

I wonder how much longer I can live like this - sans intimacy, sans love. I sleep with a stranger with a wide divide between us. I can't remember our last kiss, the last time we made love. A long time ago. I've had my advances rejected so many times that I've stopped trying and I certainly don't have to worry about her looking for me. That hasn't happened in years. Seven years we've been together. Lesbian bed death they call it. Not even sure I could do it now. We are strangers and I don't think I'm willing to risk being that vunerable again.

Why even come here anymore and write? It's just the same old shit. Just when I think we take a small step forward, I'm suddenly thrown back.

I cry every day. My son cries every day. Every day we are yelled at. I can't keep crying at work, trying to hide my personal business.

For the sake of my children I can not give up.

Of course this may change, as it usually does. DP announced again that she wants a separation. It is going to happen - one of these days it will. We just keep on because of the kids, dogs and finances. But one day soon we shall tire of that. I feel it.

Somehow I have to come up with the money to pay down my credit card that DP knows nothing about. Now that will end the relationship for sure. It will be my fault for keeping it from her and not her fault for always pressuring me to buy things we don't have the money for. She never listens to me and always says how she contributes money to with her SSI check. She does not listen when I rattle off the total of bills versus the income. So to shut her up I secretly use my credit card in the hopes of paying it off. But my tax refund was much less this year than last and I could not pay it off.

I'm really stressed about this. I already sold some old gold jewelry to make this month's payment. We are in a dire situation and I don't have the money to pay the card. How am I going to come up with 3500? I can only get about 1300 from my retirement and that will tale a while. The A/C needs to be fixed and I don't have enough credit on the card to pay for it. And I have no one to borrow it from. Couldn't pay it back anyway.

DP will hit the roof for sure and I am afraid to tell her.

I closed my blog for a while. I'm not really happy with life and I don't know what I am doing. I'm not really comfortable sharing my feelings even with strangers anymore. I'm not happy with an unhappy blog either. It is so not what I imagined.

I hate how depressed I am. I haven't felt this bad in about 10 years. All I can focus on are the kids. I can't stand the thought of them not having me to protect them from everyone - my mom and DP.

I'm drowning and I don't know how to come up for air.

DP has taken her hatred of my mother a little too far. My mom came for a visit Sunday. She just got to see the baby as DP and DS already had plans with friends and their kids for a boating and fishing and swimming at the lake day. Since my mom is selling the house she brought over a bunch of my things from years past. Amongst all the childhood games and Barbies were the cap and gown and letters sash from my college graduation. The cap and gown were my mom's from her college graduation in 1967. I wore it at mine, but with a different sash as I went to a different college. I wore my mom's because it was so nice. By 1991 caps and gowns were being cheaply made yet costing a fortune. My mom's was beautiful. Well DP wants to throw it out. Because of course, since it was my mom's, no child of ours can wear it. It does not matter to her THAT I ALSO WORE IT. And if we get rid of it, then my college graduation garb is GONE TOO. Now the christening gown is ok to keep. My mom did not wear it - just my brother and I. My son wore it. But DD is going to wear something DP's nieces wore just a few years ago. I want her to wear mine.

So the gown is going in the garbage or the giveaways because I just don't care anymore. The last two nights I have worked hard at my second job. I've come home after a long day at work (after a long night of interrupted sleep) and I've done my chores without complaint. Took care of the dogs (feed, put out, put out again before bed), cleaned up after dinner (dishes, bottles prepared, etc), washed and folded a load of laundry, vaccumed the kitchen and laundry room floors, spent time with kids and put to bed, pumped twice. And prepared clothes, lunch, pumping supplies for next day at work. Is that enough for you? So last night she complained that I just come home, do what I need to do and then go to bed. She had the nerve to complain that I don't spend time talking to her. Funny how this together time was just a discussion on another reader's blog.

For one, there is nothing to talk about anymore so I don't know why she complains. Two, when I walk in the door she says she is done and then sits on the couch and watches tv or talks on the phone to her family for the rest of the night. On nights she cooks I am lucky if the food is ready when I get home. Usually we don't eat until after 7 so by the time I get kids to bed and dogs done it's 10 pm anyway. If it is leftovers, nothing is done when I get home and after I feed the dogs I have to get everything heated up and served. I'm so not kidding - 6 pm and she is DONE. But during the day - all she does is take care of the kids. Cleaning bathrooms, laundry, all that is left for me.

Even if I wanted to, there is no time to spend together. DP works as a team only when it is convenient to her. Why sit and talk. All she wanted to "talk" about last night is why I felt I had to keep the cap and gown. She flat out said if my mother hadn't worn it, it wouldn't be an issue.

Something else happened last night - she bitched about something or other and then went outside to smoke. I was left at the dinner table with the kids and fighting back tears as my 3 year old says over and over "Mumma you sad too?"

I have to get out....

Thanks Becky for the thought on the BP - I was thinking the same thing since I had the PIH. DP says getting a blood pressure problem during pregnancy can cause problems for life. I have a home monitor so when I get that icky feeling I will check my BP! It has been normal at all doctor visits since the baby was born. BUT I'll bet all this STRESS is jacking it right back up!!

Gosh there is just so much I want to be writing about. Yet I'm too tired and too busy to come here and write. So much on my mind about so many things.

We had a pretty good weekend. Not perfect but better than things have been.

Financially I am under a lot of stress right now. I'm losing some of our monthly income due to the economy. Things that were tight, just got tighter. I've eliminated some expenses here and there. But I haven't been able to cut expenses equal to the income loss. Not yet anyway - still working on it! I'm really resenting DP's $40 a carton smoking habit. It's a carton a week. $160 would by a lot of groceries. I've given up everything. I ran out of my two favorite perfumes but they are expensive and I'm not buying more. No new clothes. Every penny is for the kids.

You know I was trying to figure out how we got into such trouble financially. We're not crazy spenders. But then I realized we used all our savings on 13 months of TTC with the doctor and frozen sperm. Our car died and we have our first car payment in 5 years. Our heat pump died a couple of years ago. We have 2 kids now. We do have more expenses and less income than we had when we were both working. And now the economy has hit a small investment I had from my grandfather and I can no longer draw an income on it without touching the principle. And now the A/C unit might need to be replaced. I'm sure we can do some more belt tightening as they say. But it is hard because DP and I just don't agree on finances.

But this bad economy won't last forever. It will be okay - I know it will!!

We had an almost perfect weekend. Saturday we hung out with friends and helped them with a project at their house. The kids of course had a blast playing together. One of their kids was a little rough and almost climbed into the playpen and also launched himself at the baby when I was changing her diaper. Never good to yell at another person's child - but I was scared for my baby's safety!

Sunday was fighting - of course - over everything and today DP is in a bad mood. We didn't get a lot done at our house - the shopping and I cleaned the bathrooms. So she's in a bad mood. Oh I did laundry too. But the rest was left to her and that pisses her off. Oh well I can not do it all.

I'm really not feeling well. I race like I have caffeine flowing through my veins. But my heart itself is not racing - it is beating normally - but it feels like it is racing. And sometimes I have a slow beat. The best way I can describe it is it feels like a bubble rising up through thick oil.

And I just feel like crap. I think the fat is finally catching up to me. I've carried this weight for 8 years now.

If I didn't know that depression and sleep deprivation can cause memory problems, I'd be convinced that I have the onset of Alzhiemer's. I'm dead serious - since my father and grandmother both were diagnosed with it. That's how much of a tired fog I am living in these days. I am completely overwhelmed. I go to work for an escape from the house and home for an escape from work.

But certainly these sleepless nights will pass and I can somehow right my footing on the earth.

DP is really giving me a hard time about the pumping - I've just about given up on nursing. DD just won't stay latched, I think we have thrush (I'm being treated for it because I had symptoms but because she did not doctor is not giving her anything - totally against the protocol but whatever this is the boonies and since we struggle at the boob anyway might as well just give up and pump full time), and DP is convinced formula would help her sleep through the night. Um, we tried that the first month. It did not work and DD hates formula. Not only do I want her to have it because it is the best thing for her, but it saves us a ton of money. But of course DP makes it all about me and my selfish needs. Whatever. I made my 3 month goal and if we could just make it until DD starts solids next month I might be able to go from 6 pumping sessions to 4 or 5 as her need changes.

I can't get last week out of my mind. The sound and words uttered by DP when she called me about the lost dog play over and over and over in my head - sends a shudder of horror through my body. It was that intense.

Okay I can't write any more - I'm depressing myself more.

The kids -a joy - potty training DS these days - oh my! He chatters non-stop now and is just so damn funny and cute. DD is fat and happy and laughs out loud and I melt.

As the chasm widens
I fear falling
into the abyss
what awaits me below
is anyone's guess
there was a time
when i was certain
your loving arms
would break my fall
but now I must gather
the strength to land
on my feet
alone



Yesterday, in the fog of fatigue that is my life, I left the back deck gate open after I brought in the dogs and your little dog got loose when you put her out later in the day. A dog that predates us. The dog you rescued at just weeks old and bottle fed. Your anguish when you called me at work was like nothing I'd witnessed, save for the day you found out your father had died. The things you said to me cut through me and I bled like never before.

By the time I got home one of our other dogs and a friend had helped bring the little one home safe and sound and you had returned to a normal state of mind. But I knew that would be the case in front of our friend. You are a very cautious abuser and only twice has your abuse been witnessed in public - just recently in the parking lots of two different stores. I wonder if those strangers who stared wonder about me.

Today you are sweet but I know the monster that lies beneath. And I know now how I compare to the dog.

I don't really have a lot to say these days. No that's a lie. I have a lot to say. I just don't feel up to saying it. So I'll continue to let others speak for me for a while maybe.

So you walked with me for a while
Bared your naked soul
And you told me of your plan
How you would never let them know
In the morning of the night
You cried a long lost child
And I tried oh I tried to hold you
But you were young
And you were wild
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same
Secrets of your life
I never wanted for myself
But you guarded them like a lie
Placed up on the highest shelf
In the morning of the night
When I woke to find you gone
I knew your distant devil
Must be draggin you along
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same
And you swore that you were bound for glory
And for wanting you had no shame
But I loved you
And then I lost you
And I will never be the same
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same

I will never be the same
Melissa Etheridge

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing
Or maybe we just stopped trying

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide and I just can't fake it

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide and I just can't fake it

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it, too
Still I'm glad for what we had and how I once loved you

But it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

It’s Too Late
Carole King

Today she announced that I need to put the kids in daycare. Is it venting or for real?

The rain was hot, the streets were empty
As downtown closed her eyes
The movie house stood in silence as I said my last good-byes
Her silver screen was stained with memories
As Cagney shot them down
And as I watched I was that hero
In dreamlands lost and found
Oh my God, well we both are empty Paradise and me
Do you believe I'm still chasing rainbows
When everywhere I see
Lonely People, Lonely People
Up above these ghetto streets
In penthouse suites they sit and stare
Lonely People, Lonely People
They smile and say they're fine
But behind their eyes they just don't care
Lonely People
They just don't care
Lonely People, Lonely People
Lonely People, Lonely People
Beneath these neon streets in subway seats they crowd for air
Lonely People, Lonely People
So close and yet so far they share the secrets of despair
Lonely People, Lonely People

Lonely People
Styx

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 'till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
I don't know
Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

Landslide
Fleetwood Mac

Confusion

It's funny how I am very black and white when it comes to things. I'm a follow the rules, by the book, never anything in between kind of person. Yet DP's hot and cold personality drives me nuts. But I guess it is really two different things.

Last night was a bad night, this morning not much better. But then we had a lovely family lunch. They had to drive me to work this morning and DP hung out with the kids so all my work mates could see them and then we had lunch with a friend. DP and the kids headed over to one of the quads near the freshmen residences and DS played and ran around. It was a lovely lunch and nice to have the kids here.

A far cry from last night when I was certain that I could not take another thing. Of course that feeling is still there. There are moments when I am ready to just give up and give in to the evil depression monster. And then I look at the faces of my children and wonder how could I destroy their lives with my selfish actions and someone how I go on.

I wish this afternon could have lasted forever. No fighting, just laughter and fun.

Overwhelmed

I am overwhlemed. I have to take on a new project at work - midway through - due to staffing cuts. Thankfully it is short term. But after that a new permanent responsibility may come my way. I am overwhelmed with my situation at home. DP. Two children. Too many dogs. Many financial worries.

Today DP is mad at me because DS has a cough and I am not freaking out. She is a hypochondriac. You should hear her. A cough can be a sign of a heart condition. Good lord.

He's had it for 48 hours. Maybe he just has a cold. It's not all the time and mostly when he is laying down. Um, maybe it's just his allergies, you know post nasal drip, it is making him cough. She is at home and claims she can not handle DS and DD at the doctor together. The one time she did it, she was overwhelmed. Yet staying home is her job. I have a full week at work this week. I may have a desk job and "sit on my ass all day" as she claims. But I'm still busy. I have 2 meetings for this new project - I have to get up to speed now. And I am taking Monday off. I do not have any extra PTO to take my son to the doctor. I know that sounds horrible. If I were a single mom, I would find the time. What I'm saying is the SAHM needs to take him to the doctor and learn to deal with having 2 kids.

So she hung up on me because I flat out told her I do not think this is an emergency and I don't need to haul him off to the doctor. I already took him a week ago because she was convinced he had ringworm. Um yeah, he has dry skin, probably a bit of eczema. And July 1 my co pay goes from $15 to $30. And money is tight. I would do it if he were really sick. But come on, it's really not that bad, really.

But here I am trying to clear my schedule so I can take the child to the doctor because God forbid. And then I'll be pissed when it was nothing. Am I a bad mom for wanting to wait and see if he gets worse? To not want to spend the time and money if it is nothing?

Why doesn't she get it? I don't know how much more I can take of this. I really don't. I want to run away. Sometimes I even think I want to die. But I love my kids and need to be here for them. But really, I am at the end of what I can take. I can actually now physically feel the weight of my life pushing me down. I can feel it beating me into the ground.

Still Here

I'm still here, still plugging away at life! I've been so very busy at work - I had hoped to catch up on reading and writing by now! Thank you to everyone who has left a supportive comment or e-mailed me. I really appreciate it!

Thing with DP are the same. The good news is that DD seems to be getting over some of her tummy troubles and is actually sleeping for 4-5 hours at a time at night. She's also been sleeping on her back and not in the car seat or strapped to my body while I sit up in a chair! In another week I think we may be able to transition her to the crib! We started giving her gripe water which we had also given DS. A friend found it locally for us - we had never seen it anywhere but a specialty store in town - 45 minutes away and had just been to dang tired to drive up there. The doctor also changed us from Zantac to Prilosec for her.

I'm glad to be busy at work - another person in my office lost their job so it is good to be busy and needed these days.

One of these days I hope to have more time for writing!

Pictures 4-6 weeks later

Pretty little girl

Proud big brother

He loves to hold baby sister

6 month outfit on 6 week old!

I'm a big girl!

Pictures - the early days

Sleeping through bath
Too cute

In the hospital

Sleeping before colic sets in

First bath hours after being born

Cindy

If anyone can let Cindy at a Bunch and a Bunch know I'd like an invite to her blog...it's gone private since I've been away...

redsox_fan1968@yahoo.com

THANKS!

Update

It's been a long time....

I had my daughter April 17th via emergency c-section after 22 hours of a practically non-existent labor. My water broke Thursday night at 6 pm. We went to the hospital and the doctor I hate was on-call. I was no more along (3 cm) than I had been at my appointments. In fact I had one Thursdau morning and told them I was having cramps - no contractions, just cramps and that the baby was not moving. They put me on the monitors - baby fine, no contractions. Anyway, that is beside the point. So the doctor said we'd just let nature take it's course until morning. Yes, why rush things, she likes her rest. It's a known fact that this doctor is a bitch about coming out at night to deliver. The doctor I love found out I was admitted and was coming on call in the morning. He called in at 10:30 pm and took over my case. He said we would start pitocin if I did not have the baby by morning. Well of course I did not and to make a long story short, I spent all day on the pitocin and nothing. I made it to 5 cm. No pain, nothing. Finally around 3 pm ish I started getting some pain and figured I should go ahead and get the epidural. Nightmare. They couldn't get the catheter placed. By now my BP is 180/100 and when he said he was going to start over I said oh no you are not. So they gave me something in my IV that made me higher than a kite and cranked up the pitocin. And then the baby went into distress. They lost her heart rate. My doctor came in and I was still 5 cm and he thought she had moved back up. So with a flurry of activity I was off to the OR where I had to have a spinal and out came my daughter. 7 pounds 3 oz. She had a hard time breathing at first - it seemed like forever before she cried.

We stayed in the hospital for a week. I was having fevers of 101.5 and higher and they could not find the source of my infection - just knew that I had an elevated white blood cell count. And the baby was jaundiced. We started out nursing great but she had too many bottles in the hospital while I was sick so now I pump because she really refuses to nurse now.

She has reflux and colic now and we don't sleep. I had to go back to work after 3 weeks because I did not get any shared leave and my vacation and sick time were gone. And my boss wouldn't let me work from home any longer. Post partum depression set in around day 6 and I've never felt so awful in my life. I don't sleep, DP and I fight every day. Not a day goes by that I don't cry, get yelled at, get called names. Every day she tells me she hates me and she is leaving me. I did not fill the prescriptions for the pain meds and I had sleeping pills waiting to be picked up at the pharmacy that I did not go get. I am so depressed that I knew I could not have those pills in the house. My son is the only reason I keep going every day. I don't feel at all bonded with my daughter. I feel like she is a stranger living in the house.

I feel so terrible that this should be such a happy time and it is not. From one day to the next I don't know if I am going to end up alone. This has quickly become a very serious situation. No longer is it a question of DP and I just not getting along. For so long I have had hope that thinkgs could be fixed between DP and I and now I know they can not. Yes, we may be able to come to an understanding and live together for the sake of finances, the dogs and the kids for right now. But I see now that any kind of romatic love is gone and it will not be back. Now it is just a question of honoring and providing for the committments we made to the kids and animals.

I could go on and on about my complaints, but I also desperately want to find the positive in everything. I am blessed with 2 beautiful and healthy children. Things are hard right now, lack of sleep, etc. But it will pass. I know it will. My daughter smiled at me yesterday. That made me feel good - I know it is partly the PPD that is making it hard to bond with her. The smile warmed my heart.

I'm overwhelmed. I've been looking into how to get away and start on my own. Everywhere I turn there is a roadblock. I found semi affordable child care and an apartment nearby only to find out that there are some state laws limiting the amount of time an infant can be in care. I have an hour commute to work each day. I would need to drop the kids at day care when it opens and could not pick them up until closing 6:30 am - 6 pm because I work 8-5 but I could adjust 7:45-4:45 to make it home by 6. Well there is a 9 and 1/2 hour limit and anyway it kills me to think the kids would be there that long anyway with just a few hours with me before sleeping all night. What kind of life is that?

I'm a mess, don't know which way to go...

And I might just stop blogging, too much guilt...

Quick Update

I'm still pregnant - 37 weeks tomorrow. The doctor took me out of work a week and a half ago. My bp's were too high and I was +1 for protein and sugar. I'm trying to work from home and it is hard. It is hard to be home 24/7. I'm not getting any rest and DP thinks this is a vacation. I try to put in 8 hours on the lap top for work and then still have to do all my regular chores. I'm miserable. I'm tired, I don't feel well, I'm having a lot of sciatic pain.

I'm going crazy - I cry ever day, we fight every day.

At today's appointment I was 2 cm, 50% effaced, and a -1 station. Doctor says it will be soon...

Emotionally I don't know how much more I can take...

DP's sisters were here this weekend and even they think she is an asshole. LOL - at least we all see the truth and I'm not crazy.

I need to lose weight after this baby. I know it will help with my energy level and self-esteem.

No signs

No more labor signs, not a one. Looks like DD is in forthe long haul afterall. Happy weekend - work was too busy today for writing and now it's time to go home!

Wow, posting again

I'm going to try to be better about posting. I'd forgotten how cathartic it is. Anyway, looks like I may have lost my mucous plug yesterday. I had a lot of cramping and discomfort all day yesterday. BP's were pretty good too - I had a headache and was nauseous all day. I almost felt like it was the beginning of the pregnancy again. I was worried about my BP - the headache was pretty bad and I had a lot of swelling. But I've been really watching the salt and BP was great all day.

I also got a burst of energy last night - got the rest of the bags packed for DS and I. All we need know is DD's coming home outfit. And I did a load of laundry. I would have stayed up all night cleaning if I hadn't had to work today - that's how much energy I got around 8 pm last night! So maybe labor will be here soon. The doctor wasn't at all concerned about the plug. It's not the best indicator of labor - it could be hours or weeks away. DP also got the walls primed in the nursery and I pray the paint will go on by the time the weekend is over. Her nephew (our donor) has promised to come next Thursday to help move the furniture upstairs and help with anything else that needs to be done. I pray he keeps his word because we really need some help right now.

Work has been good this week. My new person started and she is wonderful - all the stress of the issues with the other woman are gone - well at least from my day to day. There is still a lawsuit out there and I'm sure I will have to go to court someday. I can't go into great detail, but this former employee had applied for and had not gotten my job. So she sued the school for discrimination because of age (she was over 40 and me under 40) and named one member of the hiring committee (my boss) and then she named me for race discrimination against an African American (I'm white). It's funny because she is only 1/2 AA - the other half is Asian. So we joke at what half of her did I discriminate against - the right or the left. I have an attorney through the school and the school supports me and my boss 100 percent. In fact, the initial claim was filed with the school and the school denied it so that's when the woman moved on the the feds. Anyway, really, I may be white, but I get that from my mother's Irish/English background. My paternal grandfather was from an island off the coast of Africa and was of Portuguese decent and was an olive skinned man. I'm a lesbian living with a Hispanic partner and I specifically chose Hispanic donors so my kids would be half Hispanic. Go figure. I myself am part of an abused class, my partner is as well - double even being gay and Hispanic in a time when we are raging against illegal immigrants from Mexico - DP's Puerto Rican though so she is a US citizen by birth. But around here in the south "they are all dirty Mexicans". Anyway, it's nice to not have the day to day stress and I try not to think about court. My hope is the feds throw it out before we get that far.

Well I'd better get back to work. I want to be ready to leave on a moment's notice and there are still a few projects that need to be completed!

I made it this far

Tomorrow marks 34 weeks - I can't believe I made it this far. 24 more hours and I will have crossed the majic line, made my goal, and my doctor will be able to deliver me and not send me to another hospital. I had an ultrasound - the baby is measuring 2 weeks ahead of schedule and is huge - already over 5 pounds. Now I'm afraid I might not make it through natural childbirth after all!!

Nothing is ready. DP felt sick all weekend. We taped off the room and I pray she feels up to painting today. I have to start pulling out the baby clothes and see what we can reuse. I have almost nothing for a girl. Does everything really need to be pink? What's wrong with wearing blue duck pj's? Yet I almost feel guilty imposing our gender neutral values on her already. I feel like I should let her be a girlie girl until she tells me otherwise. But you know, the budget prevails. I can not waste perfectly good baby clothes just because they are not pink!!

Too much to do, too fat and big and pregnant to do much either...

If I haven't mentioned it before, I've realized that I'm very depressed this pregnancy. My cousin is sure it's the hormones I was getting with the injections. She's and L & D nurse and went through the same with her invitro. I trust her. I am very depressed. It's too bad really.

But there is always a light, there is always hope. This I have learned from battling other periods of depression in my life. It does pass.

BP's not good this weekend and staying just below the 140/90 mark. Ugh.

Update

Wow, I can't believe how much time has passed since I last posted and how crazy life has been. I'll start with the pregnancy update. The pre-term labor issues started at 29 weeks this time around. On a Sunday afternoon I started having contractions. By Sunday night at 8 pm they were 10 minutes apart and very steady and regular. We called the doctor - sadly it was the new doctor and not my regular one who was on call. We went though the whole "are you sure" routine and then he said to go on in to L & D. Of course I was right. Thankfully I had the same nurse I had with my son. I was having BIG contractions every 10 minutes, but what I could not feel were some little ones that were happening about every 2 minutes. One call to Mr. New OB and a little review of my history with Miss Fantastic Nurse and I was soon pumped up with meds to stop the contractions - took two injections of terbutaline and he went ahead and ordered the betamethasone "just in case". Luckily I was not dilating. I saw my OB on Monday and got put on 3 days of bedrest. I went back to work on Thursday and Friday night I had another major episode of contractions. I tried the "at home" remedy my OB suggested. Super-hydrate - I drank 40 oz of water in 20 minutes!! Try that!! And then resting on my left side. It took 4 hours, but the contractions went away and I avoided another long night in L & D. I went along pretty well for about 10 days. I'm on restrictions now - no stairs, limit walking, no driving, no heavy lifting, no sex (ha like that matters seeing as how things are with DP and I) - basically take it easy, don't upset my uterus kinds of things. Well last week I caught a virus. I had Monday off and Monday night I started to really feel awful. I was up all night. I was restless, really emotional, crying in the bathroom for no reason. I couldn't breath - or at least had the strange sensation of not being able to breath - like I was drowning. It was worse if I tried to lay down. I called in sick on Tuesday and DP made me go to the doctor. Well there's not much they can do for a virus, but they did go ahead and give me an antibiotic just in case more was brewing - it did seem to help. They also gave me an inhaler thinking it may be asthma, but the inhaler didn't work so I stopped using it - have I ever mentioned that I am so not a pill popper or drug taker and it KILLS me just to take tylenol and antacids??? So yeah, no inhaler if it wasn't working. They also gave me sleeping pills since I hadn't been able to sleep. Yeah, tossed those aside too - for a while anyway. My blood pressure was bad though - creeping up so I got taken out of work for the week and had to rest in bed. Luckily my boss let me work from home some. I only have 2 weeks of sick and annual time saved and I haven't heard if I'm getting any donated leave so thank goodness for that. Anway, I finally caved and took the Ambien this past Sunday and Monday nights because I was getting maybe 30 minutes of sleep here and there for about a total of 2-3 hours in every 24 hour period. Well I came home from work Tuesday night with a bad headache and feeling really awful. OMG my pressures were horrible - like 154 over 100 - worse than the week before which were 138/88. And they stayed high all night. I did not take the Ambien and went to the doctor yesterday (Wednesday). bad news - trace protein in my urine. Not good. But I don't have full blown pre-ecplamsia yet. My feet and ankles are swollen. He checked my legs - no signs of clots. So I had to say in bed yesterday and just keep monitoring pressures at home and rest as much as possible. He's not going to take me out of work if I can keep it under control.

I feel really awful about this - it's my fault for not losing weight before I had this baby. I've tried so hard not to gain weight with this pregnancy, but I'm starving all the time and so far have gained about 20 pounds. I'm hugely obese and it is so not healthy. Plus I emotionally eat and life has been so hard - so I just binge my troubles away.

So that's the pregnancy update. On the home front, we are still not ready. We finally emptied the room and hope to have it painted this weekend. The bonus room is a disaster because that is where we are putting everything until we find new homes for it all. On a positive note, I've gotten the laundry caught up and our closets are cleaned out and organized to make room for things we may need to store in there. I havea bag full of stuff I need to go through and put in the baby's keepsake book but other than that at least 2 closets are cleaned out. It would go much fater if DP would just get rid of crap. But she just moves it around. Relationship wise things are much the same. It's hard for me to help out much and I'm doing what I can. Not a day goes by where I am not dealing with her mood swings and trying to manage my own emotions. I cry just about every day from the stress and from being overwhelmed. Like I've said before, I have no choice but to ride it out for now. Although it is killing me - as my son gets bigger, he notices more and sometimes, in spite of my best efforts to hide it, he has seen me crying and he gets such a look of concern on my face. He also reacts emotionally to DP's yelling even if it is me she is yelling at. I really don't think exposing the kids to this is good at all and I'm very distressed by it. So it's still one day at a time with no real answers or solutions. While I'm biding my time, I am working to pay down some debt and I think I have a financial plan in place in my head and some ideas if I do strike out on my own with the kids. My biggest issues will be the dogs and the house. I don't know how I would leave them at shelters and the house, well with the market, I'd probably have to walk away from it and either let the bank take it or file bankruptcy which goes against every moral fiber in my body. But I guess if it gets any worse at home - survival for my kids will have to come first over my morals on honoring my financial obligations. On my own I think I can swing the basics - child care will be the issue. That's a big expense. I'm still researching the options. Maybe DP and I will work things out, but I think I need to be working on my alternatives just in case.

I've also been thinking a lot about battered women and what it means to be emotionally and verbally abused. I want to learn more about it and determine if this is my situation. It's hard to be honest and it's hard to know what is abuse and what is DP's personality. I mean, every Italian in my old neighborhood acted the way she did - the yelling one minute, love ya to death the next. So what is it really - the vast differences in the types of environments we were raised in or is it a cycle of abuse?

It's very complex. There are good moments - are there enough for me to hang on to hope? Right now I'm so consumed with keeping up with work and keeping that paycheck coming and making it a few more weeks with this pregnancy. There is honestly no time to worry about a relationship or lack of one. I just try to keep things happy and fun for my son. Because believe me, I've seen DP at home with him now during the day. Too much tv and not enough getting out and having fun. I take him out every Saturday to a fun mom and tot class and now that the weather is nice we will get some outside time either at night after work or on the weekends.

So, I don't know when I'll get to update again or how much I can keep up with everyone. I've seen some requests to participate in some kind of awards or something or other and I thank all of you who think I'm interesting enough to be worthy of learning more about me or telling other readers about me. I'm not quite sure what it is all about because I haven't had much time to read up on everyone.

I used to write on my lunch hour but now that we are down one FTE and have been since October, I'm sharing 1/2 of the work load with another person. Good news - my new person starts Monday and I expect that once training is over and I get back from maternity leave, life will slow down at the office which will give me more time to write and work on my personal life.

Well that's all for now. Love and peace to all!

Where is the time going?

We are still not ready for the baby - I'm freaking out. The new and less stressful plan is to move everything from the office to the bonus room (eventual playroom) just so we can get the darn room empty. This has eased some of my stress knowing I can now take a little more time at going through and cleaning out and organizing the junk we've stored in there. We bought the paint and have almost everything we need to put the room together. So hopefully we can empty out the room this weekend and get going. The big problem facing us right now is where to hook up the internet. We don't have the money to have a new jack installed - the desk is going in an alcove outside the bedrooms. Only the lap top is wireless so the desk top will either not get internet or we will have to run a cable along the wall from the new baby's room. I"m thinking cable is our cheap solution right now - ugly but cheap!

I did have some good news at work - I am going to be able to fill my positions. Now the only catch is to do it before the Governor declares a hiring freeze. It's a race against time right now, but I'll tell you it felt good to have the Vice Chancellor approve the request to re-hire. The bad news is that my insurance premiums may go up $200 a month as the state is in such crisis and the Chancellor of all the state Universities wants the Governor to give him the authority to require furloughs. Since we are on one income - I need every day of my paycheck!!

But you know there are still "cuts" we can make at home - lower the cell phone plan, the cable tv, buy more generic, etc. But boy the economy is really hurting right now.

Other things on the home front remain the same. We have good days and bad days. I don't even want to write about it anymore. I feel too guilty like I've said before and it's become a broken record.

We took in a homeless cat a few weeks ago. She turned up on our porch on a very cold night - how could I not take her in? She's the spirit of my Tigger who I lost in 2007 after 16 years together. I know he sent her to me - they are exactly alike! I could not turn my back even though I didn't need the expense.

I'm hanging in there - that's what matters right now.....

Never any time

I have been so busy with work and home - there is no time to write anymore. I'm swamped at work. My staff person who was out for 3 months on medical leave decided to retire and due to budget cuts the powers that be have been dragging their heels over replacement plans. Not to mention an incompetent administrative assistant who has yet to post the position. We know we are moving someone up internally and it is her position that is in question for re-hire. I'm doing double the work I was a couple of months ago and now feel overwhelmed that there is no end in sight and maternity leave looms.

My blood pressures have not been good the last couple of weeks and I'm now monitoring at home 4 times a day and have nearly eliminated all salt and reduced cheese and meat consumption. I found guidelines from the Mayo clinic and am trying to follow them. I also had a long chat with my cousin who is an L&D nurse - I trust her wisdom greatly and she's given me a few tips as well. Thankfully my pressures have improved greatly in the last 2 days.

Stress is the hardest thing to manage and it is coming at me from all directions. On one hadn, this employee leaving was a good thing. She was very difficult. But the stress of the work....

The home front is about the same. Sadly I just don't have time to write every day. But I'm going to work on finding that time - it is a good release for me. DP and I are hanging in there. Nothing is ready for the baby, the house is a mess. I'm overwhelmed. We did manage to get the furniture and settle on the decor. The big project is clearing out the room (which has become the junk room) and paint it so we can put the furniture in it! I dread the cleaning out. I'm not very good at deciding what to part with and honestly there is no place else in the house for all the stuff. You know - houses never have enough closets!

But I'm surviving - getting bigger too! I try to check up on blogs but don't usually have much time to comment. Will try to stop by and say hello to everyone soon!