Update

Wow, I can't believe how much time has passed since I last posted and how crazy life has been. I'll start with the pregnancy update. The pre-term labor issues started at 29 weeks this time around. On a Sunday afternoon I started having contractions. By Sunday night at 8 pm they were 10 minutes apart and very steady and regular. We called the doctor - sadly it was the new doctor and not my regular one who was on call. We went though the whole "are you sure" routine and then he said to go on in to L & D. Of course I was right. Thankfully I had the same nurse I had with my son. I was having BIG contractions every 10 minutes, but what I could not feel were some little ones that were happening about every 2 minutes. One call to Mr. New OB and a little review of my history with Miss Fantastic Nurse and I was soon pumped up with meds to stop the contractions - took two injections of terbutaline and he went ahead and ordered the betamethasone "just in case". Luckily I was not dilating. I saw my OB on Monday and got put on 3 days of bedrest. I went back to work on Thursday and Friday night I had another major episode of contractions. I tried the "at home" remedy my OB suggested. Super-hydrate - I drank 40 oz of water in 20 minutes!! Try that!! And then resting on my left side. It took 4 hours, but the contractions went away and I avoided another long night in L & D. I went along pretty well for about 10 days. I'm on restrictions now - no stairs, limit walking, no driving, no heavy lifting, no sex (ha like that matters seeing as how things are with DP and I) - basically take it easy, don't upset my uterus kinds of things. Well last week I caught a virus. I had Monday off and Monday night I started to really feel awful. I was up all night. I was restless, really emotional, crying in the bathroom for no reason. I couldn't breath - or at least had the strange sensation of not being able to breath - like I was drowning. It was worse if I tried to lay down. I called in sick on Tuesday and DP made me go to the doctor. Well there's not much they can do for a virus, but they did go ahead and give me an antibiotic just in case more was brewing - it did seem to help. They also gave me an inhaler thinking it may be asthma, but the inhaler didn't work so I stopped using it - have I ever mentioned that I am so not a pill popper or drug taker and it KILLS me just to take tylenol and antacids??? So yeah, no inhaler if it wasn't working. They also gave me sleeping pills since I hadn't been able to sleep. Yeah, tossed those aside too - for a while anyway. My blood pressure was bad though - creeping up so I got taken out of work for the week and had to rest in bed. Luckily my boss let me work from home some. I only have 2 weeks of sick and annual time saved and I haven't heard if I'm getting any donated leave so thank goodness for that. Anway, I finally caved and took the Ambien this past Sunday and Monday nights because I was getting maybe 30 minutes of sleep here and there for about a total of 2-3 hours in every 24 hour period. Well I came home from work Tuesday night with a bad headache and feeling really awful. OMG my pressures were horrible - like 154 over 100 - worse than the week before which were 138/88. And they stayed high all night. I did not take the Ambien and went to the doctor yesterday (Wednesday). bad news - trace protein in my urine. Not good. But I don't have full blown pre-ecplamsia yet. My feet and ankles are swollen. He checked my legs - no signs of clots. So I had to say in bed yesterday and just keep monitoring pressures at home and rest as much as possible. He's not going to take me out of work if I can keep it under control.

I feel really awful about this - it's my fault for not losing weight before I had this baby. I've tried so hard not to gain weight with this pregnancy, but I'm starving all the time and so far have gained about 20 pounds. I'm hugely obese and it is so not healthy. Plus I emotionally eat and life has been so hard - so I just binge my troubles away.

So that's the pregnancy update. On the home front, we are still not ready. We finally emptied the room and hope to have it painted this weekend. The bonus room is a disaster because that is where we are putting everything until we find new homes for it all. On a positive note, I've gotten the laundry caught up and our closets are cleaned out and organized to make room for things we may need to store in there. I havea bag full of stuff I need to go through and put in the baby's keepsake book but other than that at least 2 closets are cleaned out. It would go much fater if DP would just get rid of crap. But she just moves it around. Relationship wise things are much the same. It's hard for me to help out much and I'm doing what I can. Not a day goes by where I am not dealing with her mood swings and trying to manage my own emotions. I cry just about every day from the stress and from being overwhelmed. Like I've said before, I have no choice but to ride it out for now. Although it is killing me - as my son gets bigger, he notices more and sometimes, in spite of my best efforts to hide it, he has seen me crying and he gets such a look of concern on my face. He also reacts emotionally to DP's yelling even if it is me she is yelling at. I really don't think exposing the kids to this is good at all and I'm very distressed by it. So it's still one day at a time with no real answers or solutions. While I'm biding my time, I am working to pay down some debt and I think I have a financial plan in place in my head and some ideas if I do strike out on my own with the kids. My biggest issues will be the dogs and the house. I don't know how I would leave them at shelters and the house, well with the market, I'd probably have to walk away from it and either let the bank take it or file bankruptcy which goes against every moral fiber in my body. But I guess if it gets any worse at home - survival for my kids will have to come first over my morals on honoring my financial obligations. On my own I think I can swing the basics - child care will be the issue. That's a big expense. I'm still researching the options. Maybe DP and I will work things out, but I think I need to be working on my alternatives just in case.

I've also been thinking a lot about battered women and what it means to be emotionally and verbally abused. I want to learn more about it and determine if this is my situation. It's hard to be honest and it's hard to know what is abuse and what is DP's personality. I mean, every Italian in my old neighborhood acted the way she did - the yelling one minute, love ya to death the next. So what is it really - the vast differences in the types of environments we were raised in or is it a cycle of abuse?

It's very complex. There are good moments - are there enough for me to hang on to hope? Right now I'm so consumed with keeping up with work and keeping that paycheck coming and making it a few more weeks with this pregnancy. There is honestly no time to worry about a relationship or lack of one. I just try to keep things happy and fun for my son. Because believe me, I've seen DP at home with him now during the day. Too much tv and not enough getting out and having fun. I take him out every Saturday to a fun mom and tot class and now that the weather is nice we will get some outside time either at night after work or on the weekends.

So, I don't know when I'll get to update again or how much I can keep up with everyone. I've seen some requests to participate in some kind of awards or something or other and I thank all of you who think I'm interesting enough to be worthy of learning more about me or telling other readers about me. I'm not quite sure what it is all about because I haven't had much time to read up on everyone.

I used to write on my lunch hour but now that we are down one FTE and have been since October, I'm sharing 1/2 of the work load with another person. Good news - my new person starts Monday and I expect that once training is over and I get back from maternity leave, life will slow down at the office which will give me more time to write and work on my personal life.

Well that's all for now. Love and peace to all!