I'm here

I'm here and totally stressed out. I went to pay for the car repairs the other day and realized my credit card had expired in August and I have not gotten a new one. I had to pay the $500 out of my checking account which now leaves us with $100 until pay day next week and no credit card to fall back on. I tried to get the bank to do a balance transfer but it takes 4-6 days and I can't do it on-line without the new card which will take up to 14 days. I'm in charge of the finances and DP is going to have a fit. We live paycheck to paycheck and all our savings are gone from TTC. I don't know if we can make it until next week on 100 bucks. I think I have enough dog food and gas to just make it. And we should be okay with diapers. She may need cigarettes but instead of buying a carton we could just buy a couple of packs to get her through. I think we could do it, the problem is admitting it to DP because money (or I should say our lack of it) is a huge problem for us. I suck at managing the money so I don't know why I do it. I plan to turn it over to DP, but I had hoped to get us back in a little better standing before I did. I just can't take the stress anymore.

My mom is driving me crazy. My aunt is going to be in town again this weekend and I told my mom we were busy. We have plans Saturday and Sunday I leave for a conference. So that didn't sit well with my mom when I said I wouldn't be able to see my aunt. She called back to say how about dinner Friday night. Like I can squeeze one more thing in. I work all day. I have to pack. I'm tired. The baby has the flu and now DP and I are both feeling sick so I am just going to call my mother and tell her no. I'm so fed up with all the stress of everything.

I don't know what to do. I want to cry. I'm so overwhelmed and depressed. I don't know why we are having another baby - what was I thinking? How on earth are we going to afford all this? Why did I have to spend all our money on fertility treatments? I wrote off over $19,000 of medical bills on my taxes last year. We drained both savings account like total fools spending all our money on sperm and doctors and medications. Before I found NW I was paying $500 a vial for sperm.

I am truly going over the edge from the pressure and the stress and of course the hormones. And I dread having to tell DP we have to spend no money unless necessary until my paycheck hits on Tuesday. But I'm going to be selfish here and blame some of it on her since I try to tell her when we don't have money for things and then she doesn't listen and says I never buy her what she wants. So yes, even though we're in a bad spot, she's going to have to take over. I never spend money, never ask for anything. I need new contacts and new glasses but I make do. My clothes are getting a little tight but I'm making do. I need new underwear but I'm making do. I can live like a pauper but DP can't. But we are paupers. It's so sad that we are barely getting by. But gas has doubled since I went back to work. The weekly food shopping is more.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want another fight. I don't have the energy. Pray she's okay with what I have to tell her.