If I didn't know that depression and sleep deprivation can cause memory problems, I'd be convinced that I have the onset of Alzhiemer's. I'm dead serious - since my father and grandmother both were diagnosed with it. That's how much of a tired fog I am living in these days. I am completely overwhelmed. I go to work for an escape from the house and home for an escape from work.

But certainly these sleepless nights will pass and I can somehow right my footing on the earth.

DP is really giving me a hard time about the pumping - I've just about given up on nursing. DD just won't stay latched, I think we have thrush (I'm being treated for it because I had symptoms but because she did not doctor is not giving her anything - totally against the protocol but whatever this is the boonies and since we struggle at the boob anyway might as well just give up and pump full time), and DP is convinced formula would help her sleep through the night. Um, we tried that the first month. It did not work and DD hates formula. Not only do I want her to have it because it is the best thing for her, but it saves us a ton of money. But of course DP makes it all about me and my selfish needs. Whatever. I made my 3 month goal and if we could just make it until DD starts solids next month I might be able to go from 6 pumping sessions to 4 or 5 as her need changes.

I can't get last week out of my mind. The sound and words uttered by DP when she called me about the lost dog play over and over and over in my head - sends a shudder of horror through my body. It was that intense.

Okay I can't write any more - I'm depressing myself more.

The kids -a joy - potty training DS these days - oh my! He chatters non-stop now and is just so damn funny and cute. DD is fat and happy and laughs out loud and I melt.