DP is a hypocrite. Example number one - when my mom called on Tuesday to invite us out DP said no, we had too many chores to do. When HER NEPHEW called yesterday and said he wanted to come down this weekend she said yes and promised to take him to the beach on Saturday to fish and to the lake on Sunday. So when the hell are the chores gonna get done eh?
There will be more examples to come.
But before I go too far with the bashing I have to say that I do think DP has serious psychological issues which my contribute to her strange behavior. Doesn't forgive her, just helps one understand and forgive shortcomings. And she is a very good cook. I want her to try out for the next food network star show. And she's not very selfish, at least not in the ways that I am. And she's unhappy. She's complicated, life with her is complicated, but would life alone really be better?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Just a few additional random thoughts
So I'm probably going to have a lot of not so nice things to say about DP over the next few posts and I'll probably write in circles, but I want to make an effort to get alot of things out in the open. And although this is my blog and I could say whatever I want, I am going to make every effort to be honest about my own faults and shortcomings. It's only fair to provide full disclosure. That anonymous comment I had is still bothering me because it exposes some very real truths, things I can't or don't want to face - and I need to. I'm not sure this will bring me any answers or the courage to act on anything I discover. But since I can not afford therapy, my blog is all I have. It's gonna be all the good, bad and ugly - but it will be honest!
I've decided to re-read a book I have on Lesbian couples. Certainly the dynamics of a female/female relationship are different and unique to that of a male/female relationship. It's funny how the chapter I read last night talks about really looking for the good in your partner and complimenting them about it even in spite of the bad. Funny because I'm about to spend a few posts just getting all the negative out!
Last night dinner was not ready when I got home so my whole night time routine was delayed by 1/2 hour. Of course I don't schedule myself by the minute, with the sick dog, the morning routine is a little different too. It was just a general ball park kind of thing and listing it all out was really just to show all the things I do to prepare for my day versus what I also did for DP when she was working and how none of it is now done for me. I will say that last night's chores consisted of washing and folding just one load of laundry and sweeping the dog hairs in the garage. And of course cleaning up after dinner and the mess of the day. Each night I try to do the required maintenance and then at least one thing to get some of our remodel mess cleaned up. But since DP has yet to finish the trim and the floor in the bedroom closets, I can't put anything back in them. I was too tired to take on anything else and went to bed at 10 and read for a bit. DP was on the phone with her sister and I tried to wait up for her but finally just went to sleep. The baby was up crying during the night so I am dragging my ass today. I so wanted coffee and a sandwich at McD's this morning but I held out to save the money. But now I am starving and sleepy!
I've decided to re-read a book I have on Lesbian couples. Certainly the dynamics of a female/female relationship are different and unique to that of a male/female relationship. It's funny how the chapter I read last night talks about really looking for the good in your partner and complimenting them about it even in spite of the bad. Funny because I'm about to spend a few posts just getting all the negative out!
Last night dinner was not ready when I got home so my whole night time routine was delayed by 1/2 hour. Of course I don't schedule myself by the minute, with the sick dog, the morning routine is a little different too. It was just a general ball park kind of thing and listing it all out was really just to show all the things I do to prepare for my day versus what I also did for DP when she was working and how none of it is now done for me. I will say that last night's chores consisted of washing and folding just one load of laundry and sweeping the dog hairs in the garage. And of course cleaning up after dinner and the mess of the day. Each night I try to do the required maintenance and then at least one thing to get some of our remodel mess cleaned up. But since DP has yet to finish the trim and the floor in the bedroom closets, I can't put anything back in them. I was too tired to take on anything else and went to bed at 10 and read for a bit. DP was on the phone with her sister and I tried to wait up for her but finally just went to sleep. The baby was up crying during the night so I am dragging my ass today. I so wanted coffee and a sandwich at McD's this morning but I held out to save the money. But now I am starving and sleepy!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The roller coaster that is my life
So last night my mom leaves a message and she wants to take the baby for ice cream on Sunday. Mind you things are rocky, but we had that big talk and I thought things would get better. Should have known that it wouldn't be that easy. DP still hates her. She says the talk does not make everything all better. Okay fine, but give the woman some credit for calling ahead of time and asking if we were free. But there is DP still complaining about how the message was left, what she thinks my mom's intentions are, what an idiot she is to think hanging in an ice cream parlor would be fun for a 2 year old. Again I say gee, at least the woman is making an effort. Right away DP says no we won't go. I'm sick of her deciding what I can and can not do with my son. So last night was a little rough. Then today she calls me at work to say that nephew called and wants to come visit this weekend. Hmmm. His dad is the one dying of liver cancer and supposedly he was depressed and didn't want to talk to anyone and that's why he blew us off. Okay, I get it, I'm not heartless, I do understand. But anyway...
But me the agreeable one says of course I don't mind if he comes over. Then DP brings up the plans my mom wants to make. She surprises me by suggesting that we meet my mom someplace where the baby will have more fun. But first she wants to go to our favorite lake to take the baby to swim and meet my mom and dad later in the day. I think it's a grand idea. So this is what I mean, why I am so torn. DP can have these wonderful moments where she can compromise fairly. It will be a great day. But why did she have to be so ugly last night? I'm starting to wonder if DP has some strange mood disorder. Little by little here in my blog I hope I can make sense of it all. I ramble I know, but I'm just trying to get it all out there.
One of our dogs is really sick. He was at the vet all day yesterday - he was vomiting and had diarrhea. He ended up having to get IV fluids, had a bunch of test, but they can't find anything. He's resting at home today but still not looking good. I have a nice vet thought and we've already talked today and they actually think he's on the mend. So we'll see. I have to keep calling with his stats - amount he tries to eat and drink, bathroom trips, etc to determine if he needs to go back for more IV fluids or x-rays. He's a nervous dog and they had to give him a sedative to work on him so he's still a bit loopy. Poor little thing - he was badly abused before we took him in and even with all our love he has issues.
Okay so here's some more venting: DP thinks she does everything around the house. She's always been that way. I thinks she has self esteem problems and builds herself up with lies and by putting others down. Here's my day:
5:20 am - alarm goes off, hit snooze and listen to weather and traffic on tv
5:30 am - second alarm, get up, go potty
5:35 am - start taking dogs out, 2 inside dogs go potty one at a time out back, must wait with them, one is small, the other hates to be alone, then take 4 big dogs out, if they are going to kennels on a nice day must walk them down one at a time on leash because they fight, clean up poops in each kennel, clean and fill water buckets every other day (conserving water due to drought), walk to and from house and kennels 4 times. if they are staying in because of bad weather, put each dog out one at a time on tie out. fill water dishes and luckily between each dog other morning duties can be completed. otherwise they are done after kennel runs.
6:10 am - start or finish other morning duties depending on dogs, these duties are, put lunch together, put out dp's pills (wich she could take the little weekly pill cases out of the cabinet herself but she can't, vent, vent), make dp coffee and bring to her in bed, make sure sink is clean, give dogs treat and pills for nervous dog.
6:20 am - hopefully by now heading to shower, quickly shower, wash hair every other day to conserve water, brush teeth, deoderant, face cream, hair gel and tie long hair up in clip, quick makeup to hide rosacea red face otherwise i would skip it, dress, perfume, shoes
6:40 am - must be pulling out of driveway by this time otherwise if i hit every red light i will not make bus, lipstick applied while car warms up
6:55 am - arrive to bus parking lot
7:02 am - bus leaves
7:30 am - arrive at work, work all day, take 30 minute lunch and eat at desk unless meeting a friend
5:00 pm - go to bus
5:40 pm - arrive at parking lot if no traffic
6:00 pm - usually home by this time, go in house, kiss baby, change clothes, bring dogs in from kennels if outside and feed, or feed and put out if they were inside, pick up poop in yard if needed
6:30 - pm sit down to dinner if dp has cooked, prepare plates and serve dinner if it is leftovers, eat and feed baby
7:00 pm - play with baby
8:00 pm - baby bedtime, change, brush teeth, read stories, cuddle
NOW START SECOND JOB
8:00 pm - 11 pm - clean kitchen from dinner which will also include breakfast and lunch dishes that dp leaves there even though she is at home all day, empty dishwasher, refill, clean counters, make lunch and put in fridge for next day, serve dp coffee and dessert and pills, prepare clothes for next day, put all dogs out around 9, attend to chores needing to be done such as laundry, vacuum, etc.
11 pm - 5:20 am - sleep with tv on because dp rules, toss and turn, wake up when tv is turned up louder or dogs bark or baby cries, listen to dp snore
Now, when dp was working and I was at home....here was dp's morning:
2:15 am - wake up dp when my alarm goes off, get up and make her lunch and coffee while she goes potty and smokes and showers and dresses in clothes that i have ironed and prepared the night before or that morning, put out inside dogs, and sometimes outside dogs if they wake up (they sleep in garage)
3:00 am - dp leaves for first shift job at airport, I go back to sleep before baby was born, after baby was born, well then he was getting up for a feeding
Notice a difference? When I was at home I took care of everything so that dp could sleep extra since she had a long commute. I got up with her and helped her have a good morning and get out the door. What does she do for me now that she is at home? Nothing. I got a job as a nanny after she went back to work and I still got up at 2:15 and would go back to bed and get up at 7 to take care of the dogs and myself before I went to work at 9. After the baby was born I lost my job and then went back to work at a new one 3 months later. When we were both working I had to do my whole current morning routine plus get the baby fed and ready and take him to daycare before work. I had to get up at 4 am those days because it takes time to do day care drop off and I had a longer commute then.
So does the division of labor seem fair here on the weekdays? DP stays in bed until the baby gets up. At night she goes to the couch right after dinner and does not move until bed. During the day she does very little. I'll write about weekends tomorrow...almost time to catch the bus and start my second job.
But me the agreeable one says of course I don't mind if he comes over. Then DP brings up the plans my mom wants to make. She surprises me by suggesting that we meet my mom someplace where the baby will have more fun. But first she wants to go to our favorite lake to take the baby to swim and meet my mom and dad later in the day. I think it's a grand idea. So this is what I mean, why I am so torn. DP can have these wonderful moments where she can compromise fairly. It will be a great day. But why did she have to be so ugly last night? I'm starting to wonder if DP has some strange mood disorder. Little by little here in my blog I hope I can make sense of it all. I ramble I know, but I'm just trying to get it all out there.
One of our dogs is really sick. He was at the vet all day yesterday - he was vomiting and had diarrhea. He ended up having to get IV fluids, had a bunch of test, but they can't find anything. He's resting at home today but still not looking good. I have a nice vet thought and we've already talked today and they actually think he's on the mend. So we'll see. I have to keep calling with his stats - amount he tries to eat and drink, bathroom trips, etc to determine if he needs to go back for more IV fluids or x-rays. He's a nervous dog and they had to give him a sedative to work on him so he's still a bit loopy. Poor little thing - he was badly abused before we took him in and even with all our love he has issues.
Okay so here's some more venting: DP thinks she does everything around the house. She's always been that way. I thinks she has self esteem problems and builds herself up with lies and by putting others down. Here's my day:
5:20 am - alarm goes off, hit snooze and listen to weather and traffic on tv
5:30 am - second alarm, get up, go potty
5:35 am - start taking dogs out, 2 inside dogs go potty one at a time out back, must wait with them, one is small, the other hates to be alone, then take 4 big dogs out, if they are going to kennels on a nice day must walk them down one at a time on leash because they fight, clean up poops in each kennel, clean and fill water buckets every other day (conserving water due to drought), walk to and from house and kennels 4 times. if they are staying in because of bad weather, put each dog out one at a time on tie out. fill water dishes and luckily between each dog other morning duties can be completed. otherwise they are done after kennel runs.
6:10 am - start or finish other morning duties depending on dogs, these duties are, put lunch together, put out dp's pills (wich she could take the little weekly pill cases out of the cabinet herself but she can't, vent, vent), make dp coffee and bring to her in bed, make sure sink is clean, give dogs treat and pills for nervous dog.
6:20 am - hopefully by now heading to shower, quickly shower, wash hair every other day to conserve water, brush teeth, deoderant, face cream, hair gel and tie long hair up in clip, quick makeup to hide rosacea red face otherwise i would skip it, dress, perfume, shoes
6:40 am - must be pulling out of driveway by this time otherwise if i hit every red light i will not make bus, lipstick applied while car warms up
6:55 am - arrive to bus parking lot
7:02 am - bus leaves
7:30 am - arrive at work, work all day, take 30 minute lunch and eat at desk unless meeting a friend
5:00 pm - go to bus
5:40 pm - arrive at parking lot if no traffic
6:00 pm - usually home by this time, go in house, kiss baby, change clothes, bring dogs in from kennels if outside and feed, or feed and put out if they were inside, pick up poop in yard if needed
6:30 - pm sit down to dinner if dp has cooked, prepare plates and serve dinner if it is leftovers, eat and feed baby
7:00 pm - play with baby
8:00 pm - baby bedtime, change, brush teeth, read stories, cuddle
NOW START SECOND JOB
8:00 pm - 11 pm - clean kitchen from dinner which will also include breakfast and lunch dishes that dp leaves there even though she is at home all day, empty dishwasher, refill, clean counters, make lunch and put in fridge for next day, serve dp coffee and dessert and pills, prepare clothes for next day, put all dogs out around 9, attend to chores needing to be done such as laundry, vacuum, etc.
11 pm - 5:20 am - sleep with tv on because dp rules, toss and turn, wake up when tv is turned up louder or dogs bark or baby cries, listen to dp snore
Now, when dp was working and I was at home....here was dp's morning:
2:15 am - wake up dp when my alarm goes off, get up and make her lunch and coffee while she goes potty and smokes and showers and dresses in clothes that i have ironed and prepared the night before or that morning, put out inside dogs, and sometimes outside dogs if they wake up (they sleep in garage)
3:00 am - dp leaves for first shift job at airport, I go back to sleep before baby was born, after baby was born, well then he was getting up for a feeding
Notice a difference? When I was at home I took care of everything so that dp could sleep extra since she had a long commute. I got up with her and helped her have a good morning and get out the door. What does she do for me now that she is at home? Nothing. I got a job as a nanny after she went back to work and I still got up at 2:15 and would go back to bed and get up at 7 to take care of the dogs and myself before I went to work at 9. After the baby was born I lost my job and then went back to work at a new one 3 months later. When we were both working I had to do my whole current morning routine plus get the baby fed and ready and take him to daycare before work. I had to get up at 4 am those days because it takes time to do day care drop off and I had a longer commute then.
So does the division of labor seem fair here on the weekdays? DP stays in bed until the baby gets up. At night she goes to the couch right after dinner and does not move until bed. During the day she does very little. I'll write about weekends tomorrow...almost time to catch the bus and start my second job.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Back from vacation
Well, I'm really back from my "staycation" since we didn't go anywhere - lol! We did go to the lake and we did go fishing. We had alot of rain so we didn't get to do too many outdoor things. DP's nephew blew us off - so there was no baby making - and the timing did turn out to be perfect. He didn't call to say he wasn't coming and didn't answer the cell phone or return any messages. I mentioned this could happen, but it hurts all the same. DP has finally talked to him but did not talk about him blowing me off - she said it was our arrangement and I just can't be bothered discussing it with him. I don't want anyone to know how hurt I am and with things the way they are, it's just better to let it go. He's called my cell a couple of times and I just politely say hi and pass the phone. I have no desire to talk to him.
I'm not very happy to be back at the stress of work, yet somewhat relieved to get a break from the stress at home. There's just so much going on and I am so confused and torn about which way to turn and which way to go.
My darling son continues to torment and amuse us with the terrible two's. Yesterday he locked DP out of the house when she went to take out the garbage. Somehow she managed to talk him into unlocking the door. What really concerns me is the amount of times she leaves him unattended. I noticed this quite a bit while I was on vacation. She will just go out to smoke or do something and just leave him in the house. She also napped most afternoons on vacation so I think I now have a pretty good idea of what goes on while I am not at home and I don't like it. The baby has also learned to howl like one of our dogs which leaves me in hysterics. We have this mournful Rottweiler and he will howl like he's just lost his best friend. Now the baby mimics him when he does it. Temper tantrums have been almost daily now, but super nanny's naughty step technique has been very effective.
It's a life of highs and lows from one minute to the next. I need some space to clear my head. DP may be going "home" again soon and will take the baby with her. Her sister needs help moving now that her husband has entered hospice care. As much as I don't want to be away from the baby, I need some serious time away from DP to clear my head and decide what to do.
I'm not very happy to be back at the stress of work, yet somewhat relieved to get a break from the stress at home. There's just so much going on and I am so confused and torn about which way to turn and which way to go.
My darling son continues to torment and amuse us with the terrible two's. Yesterday he locked DP out of the house when she went to take out the garbage. Somehow she managed to talk him into unlocking the door. What really concerns me is the amount of times she leaves him unattended. I noticed this quite a bit while I was on vacation. She will just go out to smoke or do something and just leave him in the house. She also napped most afternoons on vacation so I think I now have a pretty good idea of what goes on while I am not at home and I don't like it. The baby has also learned to howl like one of our dogs which leaves me in hysterics. We have this mournful Rottweiler and he will howl like he's just lost his best friend. Now the baby mimics him when he does it. Temper tantrums have been almost daily now, but super nanny's naughty step technique has been very effective.
It's a life of highs and lows from one minute to the next. I need some space to clear my head. DP may be going "home" again soon and will take the baby with her. Her sister needs help moving now that her husband has entered hospice care. As much as I don't want to be away from the baby, I need some serious time away from DP to clear my head and decide what to do.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Counting down
I'm counting down the minutes until vacation - yay! Even though there is alot to do at home and I'm tired and getting worked up about not getting it done - I am so happy to be having this break away from the office. I need it so much. I am really, really going to try to stay off the computer and enjoy my company. I'll need to keep up with FF charting but I'll do my best to stay out of my work e-mail.
The baby had his follow-up at the ENT. They think he's done well as far as the ears and tubes, but are concerned about the nasal swelling. They want to try a nasal inhaler for a month and see how he does. At least they agree that the stuffiness is not normal. So let's see how it goes. I need to find a tumbling class for the little monkey because he is now trying to swing himself between the couch and coffee table like gymnasts do on the parallel bars. The other night he was up crying - teething? bad dream? and snuggled with me in bed for a bit. I'm sleeping in the office on a little twin bed and DP is on the couch while the new floor goes in. There was no other place to move our bed except to stand it up against a wall. I pray we are done tonight - I miss my room!
The baby had his follow-up at the ENT. They think he's done well as far as the ears and tubes, but are concerned about the nasal swelling. They want to try a nasal inhaler for a month and see how he does. At least they agree that the stuffiness is not normal. So let's see how it goes. I need to find a tumbling class for the little monkey because he is now trying to swing himself between the couch and coffee table like gymnasts do on the parallel bars. The other night he was up crying - teething? bad dream? and snuggled with me in bed for a bit. I'm sleeping in the office on a little twin bed and DP is on the couch while the new floor goes in. There was no other place to move our bed except to stand it up against a wall. I pray we are done tonight - I miss my room!
The mess and the stress
We stayed up until 1 AM working on the bedroom floor. It's slow going when you are new at it! I'm so sleepy right now - I got up late and did not have time for breakfast or coffee either at home or on the road on the way to meet the van. What a mess we have in the house and everyone starts arriving tomorrow. First it will be nephew and hopefully he'll help us out some tomorrow. SIL arrives Friday, nephew's GF arrives Saturday and then they both go home Sunday night. SIL's GF arrives Tuesday and I'm not sure when they are going home, Friday maybe. Nephew and GF want to come back that weekend as well. My other SIL and her kids were supposed to drive down Tuesday but I think gas prices are going to keep them at home.
The house is a mess, the painting is not done in the kitchen and of course the bedroom floor. And once all that is done and the construction supplies put away, then I have to clean the house. I think tonight and tomorrow will be very long days! If my brother hadn't been such a jerk, the floor would have been done this weekend and I could have used each night this wek to do laundry, clean bathrooms, etc. I'm going to need to make a list of what absolutely needs to be done before each guest arrives. Having a list might help me!
So last month it looks like I ovulated very early and I was hoping for the same this month since nephew will be here tomorrow. So far it's not looking good. Is it a sign? I haven't lost any weight and fell out of walking on the treadmill after the first week. I wish I could figure out how to get out of the vicious circle. I'm overweight and I don't sleep well at night. I'm too tired in the morning to excercise before work - I get up at 5:20 as it is to take care of the animals and get myself ready to leave the house at 6:35 to catch the van. Work is so stressful, I'm tired when I get home at 6 and then I have the dogs, dinner, and the baby until bedtime. Now it's 8 or so and I then have to get ready for work the next day - make lunch, iron clothes, dogs out before bed. When am I supposed to excercise. Yet if I lost weight I know I would feel so much better. So anyway, is it safe to be pregnant and so fat? I know another obese woman (worse than me) and she got pregnant and then had a preemie like me. Are fat people more prone to problems. I don't know - I should google it.
I guess I'd better go do some work and maybe hunt down some coffee and breakfast!
The house is a mess, the painting is not done in the kitchen and of course the bedroom floor. And once all that is done and the construction supplies put away, then I have to clean the house. I think tonight and tomorrow will be very long days! If my brother hadn't been such a jerk, the floor would have been done this weekend and I could have used each night this wek to do laundry, clean bathrooms, etc. I'm going to need to make a list of what absolutely needs to be done before each guest arrives. Having a list might help me!
So last month it looks like I ovulated very early and I was hoping for the same this month since nephew will be here tomorrow. So far it's not looking good. Is it a sign? I haven't lost any weight and fell out of walking on the treadmill after the first week. I wish I could figure out how to get out of the vicious circle. I'm overweight and I don't sleep well at night. I'm too tired in the morning to excercise before work - I get up at 5:20 as it is to take care of the animals and get myself ready to leave the house at 6:35 to catch the van. Work is so stressful, I'm tired when I get home at 6 and then I have the dogs, dinner, and the baby until bedtime. Now it's 8 or so and I then have to get ready for work the next day - make lunch, iron clothes, dogs out before bed. When am I supposed to excercise. Yet if I lost weight I know I would feel so much better. So anyway, is it safe to be pregnant and so fat? I know another obese woman (worse than me) and she got pregnant and then had a preemie like me. Are fat people more prone to problems. I don't know - I should google it.
I guess I'd better go do some work and maybe hunt down some coffee and breakfast!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Busy, busy
I haven't had much time for writing lately. I'm getting ready to go on vacation and there are a few things at work I'd like to finish up. I'm going to try and take a real vacation and not one of those "I'll check in from home" type vacations. Even though I am staying at home. The family is coming to us for THEIR vacation. I'm guessing we'll do some day trips (can't go overnight, no one to mind the dogs) but we'll have to see how gas prices are. It's so sad that there used to be a time when we would just jump in our cars and go - cheap - flying was the luxury. Now even driving 2 hours to the beach is going to cost us 2 tanks of gas - $120. Geesh.
My brother blew us off for the bedroom floor and now we are doing it ourselves - but it is slow going. He was pissed that when he showed up on Saturday we did not have the room empty and the carpet up. I said we would try. I had to work all week, DP had cut her hand, we were going to need more help. He stormed out of the house and left. He called me after a bit to bitch at me. We each ended up hanging up on each other. Oh well. We've learned to do alot ourselves. We can install this floor too.
But it has put us way behind on getting done before the company arrives. It's gonna be some long nights!
On the TTC front, looks like when nephew is here I'll still be a little on the early side, but since fresh supposedly lives longer, maybe they'll hang around in there for a few days!!?? I hope so. I figure it is worth a shot anyway. But with some bad news on the NW board from an older woman like me, I'm praying that my little one ovary will still produce some good eggs!! But you know what, I'm putting it in God's hands now.
I've been working on another post as a result of my anonymous comment...one of these days I'll finish it. But too bad that person won't see it! It's so unfair to judge when you don't know the whole story. But I will tell it here, eventually.
My brother blew us off for the bedroom floor and now we are doing it ourselves - but it is slow going. He was pissed that when he showed up on Saturday we did not have the room empty and the carpet up. I said we would try. I had to work all week, DP had cut her hand, we were going to need more help. He stormed out of the house and left. He called me after a bit to bitch at me. We each ended up hanging up on each other. Oh well. We've learned to do alot ourselves. We can install this floor too.
But it has put us way behind on getting done before the company arrives. It's gonna be some long nights!
On the TTC front, looks like when nephew is here I'll still be a little on the early side, but since fresh supposedly lives longer, maybe they'll hang around in there for a few days!!?? I hope so. I figure it is worth a shot anyway. But with some bad news on the NW board from an older woman like me, I'm praying that my little one ovary will still produce some good eggs!! But you know what, I'm putting it in God's hands now.
I've been working on another post as a result of my anonymous comment...one of these days I'll finish it. But too bad that person won't see it! It's so unfair to judge when you don't know the whole story. But I will tell it here, eventually.
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