So yesterday a baby was born and she is beautiful. Her name is Kayla and her parents are Nick and Michelle from the Northwest infertility board. They were chosen by the birth mom and it is so exciting and a miracle from God, this beautiful little baby and loving parents. Yet at the same time another baby was dying. The friend of a friend of another NW blogger posted that the mom went into labor at 23 weeks and their son was lost to Jesus' arms.
It's the circle of life, as one breath is taken another breath fails. All babies are gifts and it saddens me to see any lost.
I just had to write about it.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Happier talk with DP
DP called around noon and we had a much happier conversation. She actually told me that she really missed me. She said I am a pain in the ass and really piss her off at times, but that this week she realized that she really and truly missed me. That made me feel so good and I promptly told her I felt the same way. She was like what? I'm a pain in the ass eh, but then she laughed and it really felt good to exchange some fun filled and loving words. She did add that the house better be clean when she comes home. I guess I'm gonna have a busy night!
And she's gonna bring me a couple of my favorite food treats from "home". Don't know how she's gonna do it - but my mouth still waters for chocolate Reese peanut butter cake from an fantabulous Italian bakery in our old neighborhood and some yummy New England clam chowder from a local restaurant. Haven't had it since 2002, but I can still taste every bite!!
I'm going to start saving so next summer we can board the dogs and all go home.
Heading home in a bit - got to try and be good and stay off the blogging and do some chores. But I probably will post anyway!
And she's gonna bring me a couple of my favorite food treats from "home". Don't know how she's gonna do it - but my mouth still waters for chocolate Reese peanut butter cake from an fantabulous Italian bakery in our old neighborhood and some yummy New England clam chowder from a local restaurant. Haven't had it since 2002, but I can still taste every bite!!
I'm going to start saving so next summer we can board the dogs and all go home.
Heading home in a bit - got to try and be good and stay off the blogging and do some chores. But I probably will post anyway!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
DP can just flatten my mood
Talking with DP tonight was no fun. I was so pleased with my meeting with my boss and coach today and I wanted to share it with her. Right away she dug in on the things I need to work on and how they are really important as a manager and I need to get it right and on and on. Really my boss had very little that was bad to say about me. But I'm sorry I shared anything at all with DP because just like my mom did my whole life she jumped right on the negative and made me feel like crap, like none of the positive mattered. And she started in with me about the house and what did I do all week, is the house clean, etc.
So now I'm just stuffing my face, using food to fill that empty place, using food to stuff away the feelings and emotions. I'm just going to crawl into bed now and pray I can drag myself out of it in the morning and get to work on time since I've not prepared my lunch or clothes and at this moment have no desire to do anything more than hide in the bed.
So now I'm just stuffing my face, using food to fill that empty place, using food to stuff away the feelings and emotions. I'm just going to crawl into bed now and pray I can drag myself out of it in the morning and get to work on time since I've not prepared my lunch or clothes and at this moment have no desire to do anything more than hide in the bed.
Feeling somewhat better today
I'm still having these flutters of panic. But last night I did 2 loads of laundry - did not fold them - just added them to the 2 loads from last week - lol - I need a lady like Kate has. You know Kate from John and Kate plus 8? She does all the laundry and then some nice lady comes over and folds it. That's what I need. I don't mind the washing part - heck the machine does it all anyway - but I sure hate the folding an putting away. You know what it is - I hate the chores that were the chores of my youth. My mom always made me fold laundry, empty the dishwasher, and dust. All of which I hate to do now. Tonight I will be good and fold. And last night I emptied the dishwasher, yuck, and refilled it with my dishes and ran it again and then I scrubbed the kitchen. So that's done. I'm going to do all the dusting and vacuuming on Friday so that DP can come home to a super clean house. Tonight and tomorrow I am going to finish picking up and putting things away. And then when DP gets home we need to commit to some cleaning out projects - like the front hall closet and her clothes closet. And then I have to tackle the office.
I really want to commit to things being better when she comes home. This is the longest we've been apart and the most distance between us. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks when I was pregnant but it was only 45 minutes away and she could come see me. I've gone away to a conference and she's been home before but that was only 3 days. I haven't seen my family since last Thursday at 7 am! And the baby - he wasn't up so I haven't seen him since last Wednesday when I put him to bed! So anyway, hopefully tonight I will have the same energy I found last night.
Work is work this week. It's been a bit busy and sometimes that is nice. J has been pretty easy to deal with lately, although still late most days. And I still haven't received guidance from HR on that and the FML. C is never much of a problem thank goodness. K has been annoying the hell out of me lately. She is young and is used to getting her way at home with her dad and her husband. She's whiny and complains a lot. And she pushes issues even when it is time to stop. She's very immature.
I had a meeting with my coach and my boss today for the professional development series I am doing this year. It is 16 classes and personal coaching. I'm very excited about it. I loved last semester's classes but was not as happy with my coach. I have a new one and I really like him. The meeting went well and I think I'll learn good things from him and classes. I had a good talk with my boss - we are both well aware of my strengths and weaknesses so it is good we are on the same page. She paid me a great compliment today I think. She was talking about another staff member who took the class and who really blossomed, came out of her shell, stopped complaining, etc. My boss said she wouldn't know what to do with me if I did any more of that because I am already a leader but I just need to work on the softer people skills which I agree. So it felt like a compliment and it felt very encouraging and supportive. Now if she would only get around to doing my review and giving me a raise, well then I might actually feel a bit better about work! Let's see, the big boss is looking to develop me more to be involved with the whole office rather than just my section and give me the duties that another manager is slacking on. I would say a raise should come with all that.
Yes, a raise might help some of the financial woes...
I really want to commit to things being better when she comes home. This is the longest we've been apart and the most distance between us. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks when I was pregnant but it was only 45 minutes away and she could come see me. I've gone away to a conference and she's been home before but that was only 3 days. I haven't seen my family since last Thursday at 7 am! And the baby - he wasn't up so I haven't seen him since last Wednesday when I put him to bed! So anyway, hopefully tonight I will have the same energy I found last night.
Work is work this week. It's been a bit busy and sometimes that is nice. J has been pretty easy to deal with lately, although still late most days. And I still haven't received guidance from HR on that and the FML. C is never much of a problem thank goodness. K has been annoying the hell out of me lately. She is young and is used to getting her way at home with her dad and her husband. She's whiny and complains a lot. And she pushes issues even when it is time to stop. She's very immature.
I had a meeting with my coach and my boss today for the professional development series I am doing this year. It is 16 classes and personal coaching. I'm very excited about it. I loved last semester's classes but was not as happy with my coach. I have a new one and I really like him. The meeting went well and I think I'll learn good things from him and classes. I had a good talk with my boss - we are both well aware of my strengths and weaknesses so it is good we are on the same page. She paid me a great compliment today I think. She was talking about another staff member who took the class and who really blossomed, came out of her shell, stopped complaining, etc. My boss said she wouldn't know what to do with me if I did any more of that because I am already a leader but I just need to work on the softer people skills which I agree. So it felt like a compliment and it felt very encouraging and supportive. Now if she would only get around to doing my review and giving me a raise, well then I might actually feel a bit better about work! Let's see, the big boss is looking to develop me more to be involved with the whole office rather than just my section and give me the duties that another manager is slacking on. I would say a raise should come with all that.
Yes, a raise might help some of the financial woes...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I lied - one more post before bed
Randy Pausch is a man of God, a true inspiration. In the stress of the last few months I had forgotten this amazing man. We have his book and I've seen his lecture. I think it's time for me to stand up and not just listen to what he has to say - but to embrace it, live it, learn it. God bless his family.
Last post of the day
The panic hit as I walked in the door. I think that's a good sign that it's home that brings on the most anxiety for me. I am taking Friday off and I'd better be motivated to get some things done. I'm going to make a good effort tonight too. So on to some lists:
Why do I think I'm having panic attacks?
1. Lonely. I hate being alone and as much as we fight and have problems, I miss DP and her company and of course I miss DS. I think the car accident has really gotten to me as well.
2. Money. It's the end of the month and things are tight. DP has been spending like crazy while away trying to help her sister with money we don't have to spare. We have no savings, the little I had is gone for this trip. We need to cut back but DP just doesn't get it. I think it's time for her to take over the finances. Since she won't listen to me she might as well try it on her own. The problem is that I tend to hide things from her and turning over the finances will cause a fight I want to avoid.
3. Secrets. DP and I don't see eye to eye about things so I tend to have alot of secrets. This blog for one. I've kept secrets over the years and as a result of finding out some of those things, DP does not have alot of trust in me. I have to admit that I tell alot of little lies. I tell people what they want to hear and I do anything to avoid conflict. Examples of the lies I tell - today I was supposed to mail something for DP. I didn't do it. She'll ask me if I did it when I talk to her tonight and I will say yes because I don't want her to get mad at me. Then I will mail it tomorrow. But I have to mail it return receipt requested so if she sees the paperwork she'll see the date and know I lied. I do stuff like this all the time. I've been doing it since I was a kid to stay out of trouble with my mom. But it is bad and as DP says if she can't trust me with small stuff how can she trust me with big stuff. She hates how much time I was spending on the Internet when we first met. She caught me checking out the on-line personals and since I cheated on my husband, she doesn't trust me. I write to friends and don't tell her about it because she would just want to read my e-mails. She doesn't believe we should have secrets. But what if I want to vent about her? Don't I deserve privacy? I'm just making excuses. I should be more honest even about little stupid things and not be so fearful of her anger.
4. Family. DP hates my family and that causes so many problems. She doesn't think my mom has any rights to see the baby. There's more to that mess in a post waiting to be published.
5. Mess. The house is a mess. We have too many projects going on, stuff is everywhere, and we have too much stuff and nothing is organized. We are working on it bit by bit but I don't feel the progress. And of course I hate to clean so I avoid housework until it's overwhelming.
6. Depression. I'm fat and slow and I feel like crap physically and emotionally.
7. Work. Work is a bit stressful, especially this month, glad that will pass soon. But there is also issues with my staff, trust, lawsuits, I pretty much hate going there most days lately.
So that's the big stuff. Now I need a list for how to tackle it.
1. Lonely. This will hopefully pass once DP and DS come home.
2. Money. Well we are not going to have any more any time soon. I want to get the credit card paid down and then turn the bills over to DP. Maybe then she'll see how tight things are. I really think if I could just get to the point of admitting that I do a horrible job of budgeting and let her take over, this would be a huge relief to me. I just have to get over her initial anger. The problem is that she never listens to me when I say no we can't afford something so then I give in and use the credit card to get us through the end of the month. But she doesn't know I do that.
3. Secrets. I don't know what to do about this. I can't say oh by the way I've had a blog for several months and I've made friends through blogging or that I've been e-mailing my two best friends from high school and college about all my personal problems. Or that I use the credit card without telling her. I don't know how to get back on an honest track. Can't start fresh. DP does not fight fair and she never lets go of your past transgressions.
4. Family. At a loss on this once since DP refuses to compromise. Part of our fight last week had to do with us meeting my mom last weekend. What I thought went well did not in DP's eyes.
5. Mess. A to do list and a commitment to it should get us through the projects.
6. Depression. Exercise and good food will help. Getting motivated to commit is a different story.
7. Work. This stress will pass. I just have to hang in there.
Okay, off to tackle some of the things that need to be done around the house. DP is going to call at 10 to say good night and then I want to go to bed right after that.
Why do I think I'm having panic attacks?
1. Lonely. I hate being alone and as much as we fight and have problems, I miss DP and her company and of course I miss DS. I think the car accident has really gotten to me as well.
2. Money. It's the end of the month and things are tight. DP has been spending like crazy while away trying to help her sister with money we don't have to spare. We have no savings, the little I had is gone for this trip. We need to cut back but DP just doesn't get it. I think it's time for her to take over the finances. Since she won't listen to me she might as well try it on her own. The problem is that I tend to hide things from her and turning over the finances will cause a fight I want to avoid.
3. Secrets. DP and I don't see eye to eye about things so I tend to have alot of secrets. This blog for one. I've kept secrets over the years and as a result of finding out some of those things, DP does not have alot of trust in me. I have to admit that I tell alot of little lies. I tell people what they want to hear and I do anything to avoid conflict. Examples of the lies I tell - today I was supposed to mail something for DP. I didn't do it. She'll ask me if I did it when I talk to her tonight and I will say yes because I don't want her to get mad at me. Then I will mail it tomorrow. But I have to mail it return receipt requested so if she sees the paperwork she'll see the date and know I lied. I do stuff like this all the time. I've been doing it since I was a kid to stay out of trouble with my mom. But it is bad and as DP says if she can't trust me with small stuff how can she trust me with big stuff. She hates how much time I was spending on the Internet when we first met. She caught me checking out the on-line personals and since I cheated on my husband, she doesn't trust me. I write to friends and don't tell her about it because she would just want to read my e-mails. She doesn't believe we should have secrets. But what if I want to vent about her? Don't I deserve privacy? I'm just making excuses. I should be more honest even about little stupid things and not be so fearful of her anger.
4. Family. DP hates my family and that causes so many problems. She doesn't think my mom has any rights to see the baby. There's more to that mess in a post waiting to be published.
5. Mess. The house is a mess. We have too many projects going on, stuff is everywhere, and we have too much stuff and nothing is organized. We are working on it bit by bit but I don't feel the progress. And of course I hate to clean so I avoid housework until it's overwhelming.
6. Depression. I'm fat and slow and I feel like crap physically and emotionally.
7. Work. Work is a bit stressful, especially this month, glad that will pass soon. But there is also issues with my staff, trust, lawsuits, I pretty much hate going there most days lately.
So that's the big stuff. Now I need a list for how to tackle it.
1. Lonely. This will hopefully pass once DP and DS come home.
2. Money. Well we are not going to have any more any time soon. I want to get the credit card paid down and then turn the bills over to DP. Maybe then she'll see how tight things are. I really think if I could just get to the point of admitting that I do a horrible job of budgeting and let her take over, this would be a huge relief to me. I just have to get over her initial anger. The problem is that she never listens to me when I say no we can't afford something so then I give in and use the credit card to get us through the end of the month. But she doesn't know I do that.
3. Secrets. I don't know what to do about this. I can't say oh by the way I've had a blog for several months and I've made friends through blogging or that I've been e-mailing my two best friends from high school and college about all my personal problems. Or that I use the credit card without telling her. I don't know how to get back on an honest track. Can't start fresh. DP does not fight fair and she never lets go of your past transgressions.
4. Family. At a loss on this once since DP refuses to compromise. Part of our fight last week had to do with us meeting my mom last weekend. What I thought went well did not in DP's eyes.
5. Mess. A to do list and a commitment to it should get us through the projects.
6. Depression. Exercise and good food will help. Getting motivated to commit is a different story.
7. Work. This stress will pass. I just have to hang in there.
Okay, off to tackle some of the things that need to be done around the house. DP is going to call at 10 to say good night and then I want to go to bed right after that.
TTC Vent
So I wasn't going to say anything, but I might TTC this weekend. Friday is CD 11 and nephew is going to come home with DP and then fly back to his mom's on Monday. But here's the problem. Ever since I stopped the clomid, I have been starting with EWCM on CD 7-8. I've had tons last night and today. Also, I've been getting partial ferning but temps don't rise and FF does not show O until well after CD 14 or so. I haven't been temping or anything this month because this is the only weekend nephew could come. He couldn't be here today since they are still helping his mom this week. It was this weekend or nothing and I figured with it being CD 11-13 I'd be good. But from what I've read, with fresh and home inseminations, you need the EWCM for the sperm to get up in the cervix and get washed. But here's the kicker, the last couple of months I've had small amounts of EWCM around CD 11-12. I'm telling you I'm nothing like I was when I conceived DS and I swear the clomid has messed with my body!
Well I have nothing to lose - if nephew does show up this weekend we'll just give it a go and see what happens. But I'm very frustrated that my body is not lining up all the signs just right!! It was so much easier last time around when the donor lived in the same town and could be available for more days. I wish I could have started inseminating last night and then just kept it up all week. Oh well.
My sincere hope is that my dear friend Tammy with get a BFP oh around Monday or Tuesday while nephews swimmers are meeting up with my eggie and then we can be PG buddies and she can have the opposite sex of me and they can grow up and fall in love or something cute like that. LOL - Tammy I hope I made ya smile b/c I know you need one today!
Well I have nothing to lose - if nephew does show up this weekend we'll just give it a go and see what happens. But I'm very frustrated that my body is not lining up all the signs just right!! It was so much easier last time around when the donor lived in the same town and could be available for more days. I wish I could have started inseminating last night and then just kept it up all week. Oh well.
My sincere hope is that my dear friend Tammy with get a BFP oh around Monday or Tuesday while nephews swimmers are meeting up with my eggie and then we can be PG buddies and she can have the opposite sex of me and they can grow up and fall in love or something cute like that. LOL - Tammy I hope I made ya smile b/c I know you need one today!
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