Last post of the day

The panic hit as I walked in the door. I think that's a good sign that it's home that brings on the most anxiety for me. I am taking Friday off and I'd better be motivated to get some things done. I'm going to make a good effort tonight too. So on to some lists:

Why do I think I'm having panic attacks?

1. Lonely. I hate being alone and as much as we fight and have problems, I miss DP and her company and of course I miss DS. I think the car accident has really gotten to me as well.
2. Money. It's the end of the month and things are tight. DP has been spending like crazy while away trying to help her sister with money we don't have to spare. We have no savings, the little I had is gone for this trip. We need to cut back but DP just doesn't get it. I think it's time for her to take over the finances. Since she won't listen to me she might as well try it on her own. The problem is that I tend to hide things from her and turning over the finances will cause a fight I want to avoid.
3. Secrets. DP and I don't see eye to eye about things so I tend to have alot of secrets. This blog for one. I've kept secrets over the years and as a result of finding out some of those things, DP does not have alot of trust in me. I have to admit that I tell alot of little lies. I tell people what they want to hear and I do anything to avoid conflict. Examples of the lies I tell - today I was supposed to mail something for DP. I didn't do it. She'll ask me if I did it when I talk to her tonight and I will say yes because I don't want her to get mad at me. Then I will mail it tomorrow. But I have to mail it return receipt requested so if she sees the paperwork she'll see the date and know I lied. I do stuff like this all the time. I've been doing it since I was a kid to stay out of trouble with my mom. But it is bad and as DP says if she can't trust me with small stuff how can she trust me with big stuff. She hates how much time I was spending on the Internet when we first met. She caught me checking out the on-line personals and since I cheated on my husband, she doesn't trust me. I write to friends and don't tell her about it because she would just want to read my e-mails. She doesn't believe we should have secrets. But what if I want to vent about her? Don't I deserve privacy? I'm just making excuses. I should be more honest even about little stupid things and not be so fearful of her anger.
4. Family. DP hates my family and that causes so many problems. She doesn't think my mom has any rights to see the baby. There's more to that mess in a post waiting to be published.
5. Mess. The house is a mess. We have too many projects going on, stuff is everywhere, and we have too much stuff and nothing is organized. We are working on it bit by bit but I don't feel the progress. And of course I hate to clean so I avoid housework until it's overwhelming.
6. Depression. I'm fat and slow and I feel like crap physically and emotionally.
7. Work. Work is a bit stressful, especially this month, glad that will pass soon. But there is also issues with my staff, trust, lawsuits, I pretty much hate going there most days lately.

So that's the big stuff. Now I need a list for how to tackle it.

1. Lonely. This will hopefully pass once DP and DS come home.
2. Money. Well we are not going to have any more any time soon. I want to get the credit card paid down and then turn the bills over to DP. Maybe then she'll see how tight things are. I really think if I could just get to the point of admitting that I do a horrible job of budgeting and let her take over, this would be a huge relief to me. I just have to get over her initial anger. The problem is that she never listens to me when I say no we can't afford something so then I give in and use the credit card to get us through the end of the month. But she doesn't know I do that.
3. Secrets. I don't know what to do about this. I can't say oh by the way I've had a blog for several months and I've made friends through blogging or that I've been e-mailing my two best friends from high school and college about all my personal problems. Or that I use the credit card without telling her. I don't know how to get back on an honest track. Can't start fresh. DP does not fight fair and she never lets go of your past transgressions.
4. Family. At a loss on this once since DP refuses to compromise. Part of our fight last week had to do with us meeting my mom last weekend. What I thought went well did not in DP's eyes.
5. Mess. A to do list and a commitment to it should get us through the projects.
6. Depression. Exercise and good food will help. Getting motivated to commit is a different story.
7. Work. This stress will pass. I just have to hang in there.

Okay, off to tackle some of the things that need to be done around the house. DP is going to call at 10 to say good night and then I want to go to bed right after that.