Baby Update

They just called with my first results - chance of Down's Syndrome or Trisomies with this baby are less than 1%. The good Lord is with us! Now all we have to do is wait on AFP which should give us more insight into pre-maturity risk and the level II anatomy scan. But so far this seems to be a healthy baby!

God has blessed us!

Here's DS in his Halloween costume.

Bad moods at night

Night time seems to be the worst. I'm tired from a long day at work and I just don't want to be bothered when I get home. I find myself close to tears and very frustrated and angry with DP. Last night as I was putting the dogs out I was venting and raging against her in my head, working on a whole list of things I hate about her and planning to write them all out in my blog. Some rest and the morning usually leave me calmer and feeling guilty about my feelings from the night before.

But there are still a few things I want to vent about. The first is the dishes. DP insists that I leave a clean sink. So before I go to bed at night or in the morning before work, I need to make sure that not only are there no dishes left undone, but that the sink is clean. Really, this is not too much of her to ask. It's important to have a clean house. I'm not saying it's not. But when I come home at night from work, not only are there the dinner dishes to clean up, but there is a sink full of dirty dishes from breakfast and ,lunch for DP and DS. Now how is that fair? Since she doesn't do anything else but watch the kid, couldn't she at least clean their dishes? But can't mention it. Things are so far gone in that department between us that all conversations dissolve into a battle of who actually does more. Or a back and forth of why should I do that because you don't do this.

Here's another one. Certain areas of the house are quite a mess due to all the remodeling. DP still has not finished the floor in our room so much of our stuff is being stored in our bathroom and the dining room. If she would finish the floor I would put it all away. But she claims she can't finish the floor until I clean everything. She wants me to clean and reorganize the stuff and then she will finish the floor and I can put it away. I say finish the god-damn floor and then I'll just put everything back - right?

But then I realized we have the opposite quirk. I can't clean when I am overwhelmed by clutter. And DP is a pack rat and we have a lot of clutter. But I'm realizing that DP can't work if things are not clean. So if I want the floor done, I'm going to have to do it her way, even though it involves quite a bit of extra time. I have to move everything out of the bathroom (side note - things are haphazardly placed in the bathroom and the dining room because this project was only supposed to take 2 days - I did not neatly organize it since I did not plan to have it this way for 4 months now) clean the areas we haven't been able to get to, put everything back neatly this time, wait for her to finish the floor and THEN I can put it all away where it belongs. Does that make any freaking sense at all? Not to me. And I just don't have the energy to deal with it.

I was looking around the house and seeing how DP is such a pack rat. I'm never going to have the house I want. I see pictures of other people's houses, so perfectly decorated and uncluttered. Gee how many times today can I say I hate clutter? It's much easier to clean without a lot of clutter. DP has too much of everything. We can't even park in the garage because it is full of tools and lawn things and stuff that has not been touched or used since we moved here. I could go on and on about it. Like the two bicycle seats in the upstairs closet. Or the video recorder from 1980 or the maybe 5 or 6 old cameras. Or the sealed soda can she found at work with nothing in it. It might be a collector's item some day she says. It is truly overwhelming the amount of stuff she saves. Little by little when I have the energy, I have been getting rid of so much of my stuff. But I'm not allowed to touch hers. Do you know we have over 20 wooden spoons? The kitchen is the worst. She will not get rid of anything and just keeps wanting more. We have 4 different sizes of rice pans. In the last 6 years we have used only one on a regular basis. We have mugs that she has been collecting since she first went to work in the early 80's. We have never used a single one. I could go on and on and on. I hate stuff, I hate clutter. I am going crazy in that house. It seems like such a small issue, but it's making me go insane.

Not too much to say

I've been very depressed lately. DP went to see her sister last weekend and I had these great plans for what I was going to accomplish and instead I spent the entire weekend in bed either sleeping or watching tv. And to make matters worse, I kept DS with me. I am a terrible mom and he deserves so much better. I did manage to drag my fat lazy ass out on Saturday to take him to his Halloween party and then we went to the store. He was still in his costume and made a lot of people smile. But that was all we did. I got out of the bed to feed him and change him, but otherwise we both just sat in the bed and watched tv all day and napped.

I don't know what to do. My depression is not healthy for any of us. DP has had enough of me. Even though she's a hypocrite and can't understand my depression but we have to suffer through hers. But that's another story. I'm tired of being concerned about her. I have to worry about me and what I'm going to do for the baby and DS and myself.

I just found out that one of the side effects of the progesterone therapy is depression. Use caution in patients with depression it says. Great. I've never told my doctor about my depression. Not the smartest thing, but I did so well with the last pregnancy that I really thought it was in my past and there was no need to bring it up. So now I don't know what to do. Be aware of it myself and take good care or tell the doctor and risk not being able to do the therapy.

It's funny, I really missed DP over the weekend. Well I think I missed her. Maybe I just didn't like the feeling of being alone. All I know is I was very sad. But then when she came home I felt just as sad because of course we were right back to where we always are. me trying and it never being enough. But I have to say that this time, after she yelled at me, she did say she wanted to make a plan for getting us out of this depression and getting things back on track. So I'm going to have to pull myself out of this and do my part. Even if it means housework - lol. At least I can laugh about it I guess.

Last night, all night long, I was dreaming that when I went for my next ultrasound, they discovered I was having twins. I woke up a few times, but kept going right back to the dream. It was long and drawn out and very detailed. What was key about it though was that the babies were a boy and a girl. So I think the dream is less about having twins and more about the fact that in a few weeks I'm going to know what I am having and am torn over my feelings about that. I want to focus on a healthy baby and pregnancy and not get caught up in hoping for a particular sex. It seems to selfish and shallow. Yet I can't help but think a boy would be so practical from a financial standpoint. Yet, even though I think it's hard to raise a girl in today's society, there is a part of me that wants a girl, yet another part of me that doesn't. I have to let it go because I'm feeling guilty about having preferences for anything more than a healthy baby who makes it to term.

Pictures

Here's a new picture of DS and the latest ultrasound picture of the new baby!

The bipolar blog

So like I said, by the time I got home, DP was as sweet as pie and had cooked one of my favorite dinners. I wish conflict didn't upset me so much. DP just needs to blow up and vent and then she is usually fine after.

But truly this has become the bipolar blog - life goes from good to bad in seconds!!

This past weekend was a rough one - full of highs and lows. I'm feeling really depressed these days. We had a pretty good appointment at the doctor and did get to see the baby. I'll post a picture soon. I have my high risk appointments this week so I'll have more pictures then. I've been very busy at work and very stressed at home so there's not much time for anything else.

DP is supposed to go see her sister this weekend and I'm looking forward to being alone with the baby. I have some very specific chores I want to get done so I hope I'm feeling well and energetic.

I wish I had something more to write about - well I do really, but I'm tired and work is waiting!

So-so weekend

Life is so-so at my house. The weekend had some good points and some bad points and DP has already called me at work to yell at me about some transgression or other of mine. And then she gets pissed because I refuse to talk to her about it. I don't know how many times I have told her that she can not call me at work and expect to "discuss" her frustrations with me. Her discussions are just yelling and yelling and yelling at me which eventually reduce me to tears. And I can't cry at work. I have no privacy here.

It's all the usual hypocritical stuff. This weekend she put 2 cases of her soda in the fridge. We don't have a big fridge and it took up a lot of space. I asked her if it was necessary to put both cases in there. She was pissed that I dare question her in her own house. She said how would I feel if she questioned me about things I did. I couldn't say anything because I didn't want to start a war. But just that morning she questioned me repeatedly about giving the baby his vitamin. She questions me constantly. She berates me constantly.

Why am I staying.

Then today she's pissed at me because apparently I'm not handling the calls to Legal Aid correctly. I'm doing all of this for her. I work full time and take private time away from the office (I have to go outside to make a private call) to get all of this stuff organized for her. She's at home all day. And she doesn't do anything. I have to make all the doctor appointments. I've had to take time off from work to attend appointments with both her and the baby. Plus all my own stuff. She does not see any of that. All she sees is that I don't do the housework. Maybe I'm tired of having to manage at work and then manage the household too. Today I'm scheduling flu shots, refilling prescriptions, talking to the attorney, returning a broken baby monitor. Saturday she had a fit because we - or should I say me, because I got all the blame - forgot to buy a lottery ticket. Getting rich quick is her biggest obsession. So what if we don't play the lottery one time. But it was the end of the world and just another example of how I'm not responsible. And today she told me I was no mother to my child. I'm not sure what I did to earn that comment.

I try to forgive her because I realize that she is ill. Mentally and physically. But how much abuse can one person take. I'm so tired of listening to her say that I'm the one abusing her because I expect her to do everything and don't help enough around the house. I think I do more than my fair share at a 40 hour a week job plus 10 hours of commuting. I can tell you right now, all she does is watch the baby, cook every other night and take the dogs out. There is no way she puts in as much work as I do at the office.

But we aren't going to get anywhere with the "I do more" game. We just each dig our heels in deeper. So she hung up on me. She's pissed and I want to cry.

This is no way to live. But watch, it'll be over and she'll be nice again. That's how it is.

Oh TGIF!

I'm so happy it is Friday. I'm really not feeling well at all - the headaches and nausea are back. DP is worried that it is my blood pressure. I will check it at home with her machine and then make sure I mention it to the doctor next week. With DS I was over those symptoms by now.

Work is very busy and my staff is bugging me. It's petty stuff. I came out of my office today and everyone was gone. Apparently one of them took a different lunch and didn't check with me. There is supposed to be coverage at all times. They do little things like this all the time - call in sick when they know I am out of the office, change their lunches without telling anyone, etc. It is so annoying. I don't want to be a micro-manager, but we need to have coverage for the phones and answering the phone is not one of my responsibilities, but if I know no one is out there to answer it, I will of course do so. But sometimes they'll all be away from their desks. When I worked a front office, I didn't leave my area until the others were back. But I don't feel well so I guess I'm just being petty. I have another staff member who likes to go to lunch at 2 pm which I think is crazy that they are gone in the middle of the day. I'm thinking of asking the big boss if I can assign lunch hours - both of the other sections in our office do that. I don't see any reason why we shouldn't either.

I hope we have a good weekend. I really hope we can get out of our slump and get some things finished around the house. We have to finish putting the flooring in the master bedroom and trim out the closets. We say we are going to do it every weekend and then we don't. Part of the problem is that the air gun freaks Max (the very nervous dog) out and the last time we used it he was practically climbing the walls. And this flooring is really a two woman job but now one of us has to take care of Max. But we have to get it done. I really want to organize our closets and put everything back in our room and closets. It's still piled in the dining room and part of our bathroom and it is making me crazy. We've got to get it done so we can move on to converting the office for the new baby. There is so much to do. I get overwhelmed and then I don't want to do anything.

DP said definitely I need to rest this weekend. I'm looking forward to that. Wednesday I worked from home and it was so nice to sit in my pj's with my feet up and work from my comfy chair.

There's not much else to report. DP has not heard from legal aid or disability services. I hate being the one who has to call for her. I wish she would take some of this on herself. I did spend an hour on the phone at lunch today with Sprint. They over charged me for our new phones. My bill did not match the shipping receipt. It took talking to 4 people, but I finally did get over $75 in credits so I was happy.

Now I'd better get back to work. There's much to be done!!