Not too much to say

I've been very depressed lately. DP went to see her sister last weekend and I had these great plans for what I was going to accomplish and instead I spent the entire weekend in bed either sleeping or watching tv. And to make matters worse, I kept DS with me. I am a terrible mom and he deserves so much better. I did manage to drag my fat lazy ass out on Saturday to take him to his Halloween party and then we went to the store. He was still in his costume and made a lot of people smile. But that was all we did. I got out of the bed to feed him and change him, but otherwise we both just sat in the bed and watched tv all day and napped.

I don't know what to do. My depression is not healthy for any of us. DP has had enough of me. Even though she's a hypocrite and can't understand my depression but we have to suffer through hers. But that's another story. I'm tired of being concerned about her. I have to worry about me and what I'm going to do for the baby and DS and myself.

I just found out that one of the side effects of the progesterone therapy is depression. Use caution in patients with depression it says. Great. I've never told my doctor about my depression. Not the smartest thing, but I did so well with the last pregnancy that I really thought it was in my past and there was no need to bring it up. So now I don't know what to do. Be aware of it myself and take good care or tell the doctor and risk not being able to do the therapy.

It's funny, I really missed DP over the weekend. Well I think I missed her. Maybe I just didn't like the feeling of being alone. All I know is I was very sad. But then when she came home I felt just as sad because of course we were right back to where we always are. me trying and it never being enough. But I have to say that this time, after she yelled at me, she did say she wanted to make a plan for getting us out of this depression and getting things back on track. So I'm going to have to pull myself out of this and do my part. Even if it means housework - lol. At least I can laugh about it I guess.

Last night, all night long, I was dreaming that when I went for my next ultrasound, they discovered I was having twins. I woke up a few times, but kept going right back to the dream. It was long and drawn out and very detailed. What was key about it though was that the babies were a boy and a girl. So I think the dream is less about having twins and more about the fact that in a few weeks I'm going to know what I am having and am torn over my feelings about that. I want to focus on a healthy baby and pregnancy and not get caught up in hoping for a particular sex. It seems to selfish and shallow. Yet I can't help but think a boy would be so practical from a financial standpoint. Yet, even though I think it's hard to raise a girl in today's society, there is a part of me that wants a girl, yet another part of me that doesn't. I have to let it go because I'm feeling guilty about having preferences for anything more than a healthy baby who makes it to term.