What to do?

DP and I had another fight last night - well they are not really fights, they are usually just her venting about my mom and then telling me how things are going to be from now on. And then me crying because she doesn't understand what I am feeling and how complicated it is for me. It's never a discussion because she's beyond that point. There is no making her understand that this is my mother good or bad and I can't change it or make my mom change. I had a long talk with my brother over the weekend about how he handles things and that has almost made it worse. Now DP doesn't understand why I can't be like my brother since he stands up to my mom and doesn't feel the slightest bit of guilt for hating her. We had some pretty intense talks and I was amazed at how strong he is and how much of the same anger and bitterness we share. He does not know the details about my dad and I don't want to burden him yet with that horrible secret - someday perhaps when my parents are gone he and I will be able to discuss it. Maybe it's because he's had more years of practice that he can keep his distance so well and not allow my mom to guilt, manipulate or control him. He really changed his relationship with my parents when he was in college and they almost got a divorce. I think that is when the rose colored glasses came off for him. And that was 14 years or so ago! Geesh, I never had rose colored glasses when it came to my family. I just became adept and avoiding and pleasing.

There are days when I don't know if DP and I are going to survive and I wonder if I am better off alone with the baby. It is a very tough time right now. I am stressed 24/7. It feels like I have no peaceful places to go a seek refuge from it all. I'm so overwhelmed and depressed and that just makes things worse.

The baby has been cracking me up lately. The tubes really seem to have made a difference in his comprehension, although at almost 2 he still doesn't really say much. I worry constantly about it, but the doctors don't seem to think it is a problem. He loves to play basketball, which is quite a work out since we have to lift him up to toss the ball into the basket. And he's learned how to give a high 5. The cutest thing he does is when it is time to get up off the "naughty step" as we are down at his level (Super Nanny would be so proud of how we mastered the technique!) trying to explain why he was put there and what is expected, he's trying to kiss us as we are talking. He knows that we ask for "kisses and cuddles" at the end and then he gets to get up! So he's like hey, stop talking and get to the kisses. We crack up every time (Super Nanny would NOT be proud of that part!). He's also started bringing us a diaper or the wipes after he goes poopie so maybe we are getting close to starting the potty training - whoohoo!!

More later, maybe, got to get back to work!

Stressing Out

My birthday is Thursday and I have to go have lunch with my mom. She wanted to take me out this weekend and go to lunch and go shopping. I had to say no as we have other plans - you could tell she was annoyed. I offered to meet her at her work on my lunch hour instead. What can I say, it's MY birthday. Ugh, I hate to be alone with her - but we'll be in a public place so maybe she won't start anything. Overall there is just so much tension and I don't want to let her get to me.

And work is stressing me out too. TE got approved for FML so now we can't do anything about them being late and missing work. And my boss does not want to do a formal write up on the other issues because of the lawsuit and not wanting to appear that we are on a "witch hunt" - which I totally understand, but it still leaves me with a bad employee. I guess we are going to do some "coaching" instead and still get things documented to back up performace reviews at the end of May. TE won't be getting a good one again.

I really don't know what to do anymore about either situation. DP has been stressing big time too and we have been taking it all out on each other which I know is wrong but we get so stressed that we just snap. It's a whole lot of pressure! I read a blog and the woman posted something that I think has to do with her mother and it really moved me - I wish I could be so strong and keep my toxic mother out of my life. I wish I had someone to talk to who knows what I am going through - but luckily everyone I know has pretty good family ties. God Bless them for that - if I could be so lucky!!

My brother worked on the floor all weekend and it is almost done!! He thinks he can finish up on Saturday! And then he said he'd take one weekend off and then come back to put in the Pergo! I can't wait to get it all done!! We got a cherry tree over the weekend to plant - last year we planted a pear and an apple. The blueberries are looking good this year and we got all our herbs. Due to the drought I don't think we'll do veggies this year which makes me sad. But we are on a well and we need that water for bathing and washing clothes and for the dogs to drink! I hope it doesn't get too hot this month so we can work on the yard some. By June all we'll want to do is mow and trim quick!

Not much to say, but at least it's Friday

I haven't had tome to write - I had class and then work was busy yesterday. TE has been on time all week and may get denied FML - which I was hoping since TE was using it as an excuse for being late. When will TE realize that I will always be one step ahead and work closely with HR to make sure all is as it should be? I won't take lying and abuse of the system easily! I'm waiting for the final word from HR, but think that the fact that TE was on time all week is a clear indication that the FML was denied. We were working to write TE up for tardiness - been warned 6 times, I think it is time for something stronger! And there are some other issues, but I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the conflict in my life and as a major conflict avoider I just want to run away and hide!

DP has stewed all week about the brunch and finally exploded last night. It was awful and I spent most of the night crying. And then the baby was up twice during the night. It will be a long day at work. I don't know what to do about DP or my family. So many people break ties with their family when they are toxic. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do that. I can't please DP, can't please my mom. I hate conflict and although I am a good advocate for others, I never advocate for myself. I just allow toxic people around and let them control me. DP is trying to control this situation and that is not helping. I know she means well - she is trying to take the negative energy out of our lives and protect me. She just doesn't get the part about the guilt I have about feeling like I need to be a good daughter. I just want to have a normal, happy family. But instead I have all this hate and conflict, snide comments and hurt feelings, and everyone trying to take control. I feel like no one is listening to how I feel. My mom wants it her way and DP wants it her way. I don't know what to do, confront my mom (scary and although I don't like her I don't want to hurt her - strange because she hurts me all the time) - but I don't think my mom will change. I could disown my family - extreme yes, but people do it all the time.

I'm going to lose DP if I don't do something because she can't take the stress anymore. But it's not fair that people are forcing me to choose between them. I just don't know what to do!!

I did it!

Well, I can't believe I did it - I talked to DP's nephew about being a fresh donor for us. He said yes! I'm swamped at work and have no privacy to talk on the phone here so I can't even tell her. Nephew and I talked via IM and DP's not logged on right now. We of course have not worked out any of the details and I'm cautiously optimistic as nephew has let me down once in the past. But a yes is a start and means we can move forward to the planning stage!

Had a meeting at HR yesterday about TE and it went well and gave me hope - until I came in today and faced new problems and issues. It never ends and it is about to get worse!

I hate Mondays!

Especially after a nice weekend! We relaxed and hung out on Saturday. There was a big fight on HBO (DP loves boxing) so I had to go and get the fight snacks and we stayed up watching that! Sunday was the horrible brunch where my aunt made alot of side comments, clearly expressing her annoyance with the situation. She insisted on paying too, which bugged us, especially after the comments my mom made the other day. Aunt kept saying things like "you should sit so you can at least see your grandson" since we had to sit at a long table and DP and I were going to put the baby between us so we could feed him and keep him entertained. And Aunt kept insisting on refering to my mother as "grandma" when we clearly refer to her in the spanish "abuelita". Aunt also seemed put out that the baby didn't want anyone but his moms to hold him. Geesh - he's almost 2, he's at that age and since we never leave him with anyone, he's a little bit shy. Aunt was pissed too that we took off right after bruch. What did she expect? We clearly stated we would meet for brunch. We had other plans for the rest of the day. My brother surprised us and has been calling the baby by his spanish nickname which of course all of DP's family does. My family insists on calling him by his american birth name. They have no respect for his heritage or how we are choosing to raise him. Our son loves coffee - why I don't know except to say that it must be the Puerto Rican in him! So we give him a splash of DP's decaf (already diluted with milk and sugar) in his milk. He loves it! Well Aunt can't give any credit to the fact that although DP doesn't have that biological connection, they do share Puerto Rican genes...she right away had to comment that it couldn't be the Puerto Rican in him, it had to be because my whole family loved coffee flavored syrup in our milk when we were kids. Hate to break it to ya Aunt, but there's a big difference! My child drinks real coffee because he's Puerto Rican. He'd drink it black if we let him!

Gosh, I know we sound mean and cold, but if people could only understand what we've been through with this family. My dad was surprisingly quiet. He's gotten worse (Alzhiemers) and I know it won't be long before he forgets us.

We went to a fun place with the baby after brunch and had a nice family afternoon. We passed an ice skating center that we did not know about and now we might all get skates (I took lessons as a child - DP has NEVER been on skates) and go ice skating for another fun family event! I like ice skating better than roller skates so it should be fun. I think the baby is big enough for candle pin bowling now too so I'm going to find a place for us to go. He's so much fun now - it's a perfect age!

Work is work and it's a long way to Friday! I have class and meetings this week so at least I don't have to be in the office all day, everyday. It's nice to get around campus now and again! TE is notreally talking to me - guess they are not happy about all the problems I've been discovering.

I'm leaving early today for a meeting and then I have an errand to run for DP which I hope won't take too long so I can get home a bit early! I always miss my family a little bit extra on Mondays!

Facts from my training

Copied from the HRC's website which I hope was not illegal to do:

1. Same-sex couples live in 99.3 percent of all counties nationwide.

2. There are an estimated 3.1 million people living together in same-sex relationships in the United States.

3. Fifteen percent of these same-sex couples live in rural settings.

4. One out of three lesbian couples is raising children. One out of five gay male couples is raising children.

5. Between 1 million and 9 million children are being raised by gay, lesbian and bisexual parents in the United States today.

6. At least one same-sex couple is raising children in 96 percent of all counties nationwide.

7. The highest percentages of same-sex couples raising children live in the South.

8. Nearly one in four same-sex couples includes a partner 55 years old or older, and nearly one in five same-sex couples is composed of two people 55 or older.

9. More than one in 10 same-sex couples include a partner 65 years old or older, and nearly one in 10 same-sex couples is composed of two people 65 or older.

10. The states with the highest numbers of same-sex senior couples are also the most popular for heterosexual senior couples: California, New York and Florida.

These facts are based on analyses of the 2000 Census conducted by the Urban Institute and the Human Rights Campaign. The estimated number of people in same-sex relationships has been adjusted by 62 percent to compensate for the widely-reported undercount in the Census.
(See “Gay and Lesbian Families in the United States: Same-Sex Unmarried Partner Households” on http://www.hrc.org/.)

Happy Friday

I am so glad that it is Friday! Troublesome employee called out sick today. Funny, TE did this last week on Thursday and Friday which, like this week, are the two most beautiful days of the week with a crappy weekend forecasted. Nice. And other manager spoke to their TE and that person won't be disciplined because they have a different version of the story. So I'm not sure what will happen with my TE. I may have to take the discipline back? I am going to see HR next week to discuss. This office has major drama from hell and I don't do drama. Come to work, get the job done, go home to a fullfilling family life. That's how I like it.

My aunt called last night to see if we could meet for bruch on Sunday. Guess they got the message that I'm not backing down. She did ask "I assume you are bringing the baby? And DP?" Like, why of course! WHy wouldn't I? What did she mean exactly by that question? I of course, being the avoider I am, did not ask. But I did get off the phone right after.

Why can't I have a normal, happy family? Why did something bad have to happen? I want to be like everyone else!

So anyway, family brunch at IHOP on Sunday and then mommies will take baby someplace fun to play afterwards for some nice family time!

It is so strange not TTC'ing this month. Temps are much lower without Clomid and EWCM had a strange pattern this month. Thought I felt O pain, but not sure as temps did not rise too much yet. Let's see. I need to get back to the sticks and my little microscope like I did before we went this crazy drug and doctor route. Now if I could just find fresh sperm! Still have not approached DP's nephew, but I'm goingto do it! Just tryingto find the right time and a convincing plea!