What to do?

DP and I had another fight last night - well they are not really fights, they are usually just her venting about my mom and then telling me how things are going to be from now on. And then me crying because she doesn't understand what I am feeling and how complicated it is for me. It's never a discussion because she's beyond that point. There is no making her understand that this is my mother good or bad and I can't change it or make my mom change. I had a long talk with my brother over the weekend about how he handles things and that has almost made it worse. Now DP doesn't understand why I can't be like my brother since he stands up to my mom and doesn't feel the slightest bit of guilt for hating her. We had some pretty intense talks and I was amazed at how strong he is and how much of the same anger and bitterness we share. He does not know the details about my dad and I don't want to burden him yet with that horrible secret - someday perhaps when my parents are gone he and I will be able to discuss it. Maybe it's because he's had more years of practice that he can keep his distance so well and not allow my mom to guilt, manipulate or control him. He really changed his relationship with my parents when he was in college and they almost got a divorce. I think that is when the rose colored glasses came off for him. And that was 14 years or so ago! Geesh, I never had rose colored glasses when it came to my family. I just became adept and avoiding and pleasing.

There are days when I don't know if DP and I are going to survive and I wonder if I am better off alone with the baby. It is a very tough time right now. I am stressed 24/7. It feels like I have no peaceful places to go a seek refuge from it all. I'm so overwhelmed and depressed and that just makes things worse.

The baby has been cracking me up lately. The tubes really seem to have made a difference in his comprehension, although at almost 2 he still doesn't really say much. I worry constantly about it, but the doctors don't seem to think it is a problem. He loves to play basketball, which is quite a work out since we have to lift him up to toss the ball into the basket. And he's learned how to give a high 5. The cutest thing he does is when it is time to get up off the "naughty step" as we are down at his level (Super Nanny would be so proud of how we mastered the technique!) trying to explain why he was put there and what is expected, he's trying to kiss us as we are talking. He knows that we ask for "kisses and cuddles" at the end and then he gets to get up! So he's like hey, stop talking and get to the kisses. We crack up every time (Super Nanny would NOT be proud of that part!). He's also started bringing us a diaper or the wipes after he goes poopie so maybe we are getting close to starting the potty training - whoohoo!!

More later, maybe, got to get back to work!