TGIF

Well, in some ways I'm glad it is Friday. I need some rest! It looks like the peak nausea times will be from 10 -2 ish. I'm feeling kinda crappy right now. DP still does not want to talk to me. I am hoping we can talk tonight. I kind of avoided it last night because I just couldn't stay up all night talking and crying. The stress of this is making me feel worse and of course I have to relax - the stress is not good for me or the baby.

I'm thinking two blogs might be best. One for me and then a happy one for the rest of the world. There's just too much I don't want people to see.

Bad Day

Last night was a bad night at home so today has been a sad and depressing day. To top it off I am very tired and nauseous. I'd normally be happy to be going home, but the thought of returning to the extremes of silence or yelling is overwhelming and making me sad and scared. I've been e-mailing a friend yesterday and today who has a spouse with a personality similar to DP's. We have a lot of the same problems so at least I'm not alone in this. I was wondering the other day if I was the only person in the world in a strange relationship and I guess I am not. Small comfort however.

Still in shock

I haven't written in a few days. I've kind of been at a loss for words over here. I'm still in shock that I am actually pregnant. Someone on the NW board was questioning the "let down" or the change in going from the obsession of getting pregnant to the sudden calm of being pregnant. I liken it to a co-dependent relationship. It's bad for you but you miss it when it is gone! It was weird not to temp today or log on to FF to record every little thing!

I'm feeling a little depressed too. I'm so overwhelmed by all the work and remodeling going on at the house. Everything is such a mess and in such disaray and I'm tired, too tired to deal with it. Somehow I have to get the office/junk room cleaned out and prepared. I should be overjoyed, but at this moment I am overwhelmed. DP is mad at me for my lack of effort - what's new, that's the same old fight. But we just don't agree on how to arrange the house. I want to keep the same nursery and move DS to a new, big boy room. DP wants to leave DS in his current room and update it and then make a whole new nursery in the second room. Really, do we have to spend double the money? I think I'm avoiding cleaning up and organizing because I know there will be fights because we each will want it our own way. Someone please, in my next life remind me to be the ONLY control freak in the relationship - lol.

I've also been trying to figure out how to do a public blog that will be fit to read. Am I the only person in the world with all these relationship problems, yet still stick it out and make a life together? I don't have the time to keep up with 2 blogs, but I want to still be able to vent and be honest about my life and what I go through, yet I can't have family reading it. On the other hand I'd like to share the pregnancy journey with family from out of state - namely DP's family since this child has that biological connection.

DP told her family this weekend and they all took it well. I'm so happy about that!

So yes, there's a lot going on, as always, a lot on my mind....

Not sure what to think

I don't know what to make of my current symptoms. My temp is back up after yesterday's scary drop and I've not had any more spotting. I'm still cramping on and off and I truly feel that AF is just around the corner. The other day I wrote that I had some typical pre AF CM. It's always a yellow/green sticky blob. Then about 2 days later I'll get the brown tinged CM (that's what I had yesterday) and then in 2 days I'll get AF. I feel like I've lost all pregnancy symptoms and moved on the the moodiness and depression of PMS. I've felt down and tearful all day. My temper has been short, I have a headache. Sometimes I still feel waves of nausea. But mostly I feel PMS.

I don't know what to do beyond calling the doctor tomorrow and even then, what can they do except repeat my blood work. But if I'm not bleeding by tomorrow then I guess it will give me comfort to go and have another level drawn.

I'm praying that I'm wrong. I've googled all the early pregnancy symptoms and I know this can be PMS or pregnancy. So I'm trying to remain positive and hopeful.

Final Numbers are in

When I went to the doctor for my repeat blood work, my progesterone was in so here is the final analysis:

Blood was drawn on CD28, DPO 15
HCG: 54
Projesterone: 17.9

Should know todays results by Tuesday. Today is CD 32, DPO 19. Home test was very dark again this AM and turned positive almost before the control line. Still having pain from the left ovary, but there has been no more pre AF CM. Uterus feel full, but no cramping. Nausea comes and goes.

DP leaves for "home" tonight to help her sister with some financial isses. It's just going to be me and DS. I planned a playdate for tomorrow and then Sunday we are going to church to light some candles and offer prayers of thanks. And I need to clean the house. Ugh, something always needs cleaning.

I'm very bad

So we couldn't stand it yesterday and bought more pregnancy tests. The doctor not wanting to give me my number is really getting to us. So I did the test as soon as I got home. I'm on CD 30, 17 DPO (yesterday) and whoa - how past it went positive and dark too!! So I'm guessing my HCG is very high because with DS at CD 29 you could barely see it. So I did some research and found that very high HCG is a sign of molar pregnancy - VERY BAD or multiples - VERY GOOD. And that's where looking at the progesterone I guess can come in. High progesterone with high HCG could indicate these two situations. BUT none can be confirmed without an ultrasoound and it's too early for that. Molar pregnancies are not usually determined this early.

It's almost noon. 3 hours to go until I might have my results.

What?

Well I just called my doctor's office because I still hadn't heard from them. My HCG is back but my progesterone will not be back until probably tomorrow. The nurse said the doctor wanted to wait and see the progesterone number. She said he doesn't want to give me the HCG number until he sees the progesterone number because that number could put the HCG into perspective.

What on earth does that mean? It doesn't feel good to me.

I have a web conference at work so I haven't been able to call DP with this info yet.