Depression

I'm really worried about what effect this is going to have on the baby inside me. I felt great with DS. But with this baby I'm feeling pretty awful emotionally. There is a lot of stress and I am truly questioning my sanity of wanting to bring another child into this world.

It's funny though, this time around, I do have a hope for the future. I think it is because I'm finally learning to live with my depression. I was diagnosed with dysthymia with periods of double depression. I've tried years of therapy - very helpful and medication - not so helpful. Oh and PMDD - I have that too. So for the most part I'm blue all the time - I don't respond well to medication. Then I have these periods of major depression. But you know what, I always come out of them. And I think that's what's different this time. In the beginning I didn't know what it was like to come out of it. This time I know it can be better again. I just have to ride it out. And I am stronger this time. I still think about taking my son and running away. But I don't think about killing myself like I did in my teens and 20's.

So that's progress right? It means that I'm finally learning to manage my illness. Well that's what I'm telling myself. It works for me!