My life is the lesser of 2 evils

I have a lot to say today so be prepared for multiple posts. First of all, I have to get back on the ball at work so I am going to limit my blog reading time to the first 1/2 hour of the day and my posting time to a 1/2 hour at lunch. After today of course since I have so much to say - lol.

So I was reading my new reader's - hi Cindy! - blog and she was having a debate with someone about our current presidential candidates. I didn't read all the comments but basically she was talking about the lesser of two evils and DP and I discuss the same thing almost every day. DP thinks Obama is the Antichrist as well and she's one of those rare gay Republicans - gasp! I still don't know what I, a Massachusetts born, Kennedy-loving, liberal Democratic, am doing with her. There's a group of gay Republicans. I usually forget the real name and call them the Argyle Sweater Republicans but I think it's really Log Cabin or something like that. As usual, I digress. So Hillary was my girl. She wasn't perfect, but there was something about her that I really liked. There is no way I am going to vote for Obama. I don't trust him. He sneers when he smiles. So that leaves me with McCain? I've been through the whole lesser of two evils argument. I thought, why vote? They both suck. But then I realized that if I truly don't want Obama, I have to give my vote to McCain. Because the truth of the matter is, we are going to get one of them, like it or not. It's a sad, sad state of affairs our country. Europe looks better and better all the time. I've always wanted to live in France or Italy...

So that all got me thinking about my relationship with DP and everything that is wrong and my fear of being alone. BIL's death made me think about it even more. And I realized how sad that I am choosing the lesser of two evils for my life. Life with DP is hard and I'm most likely suffering verbal and emotional abuse that I don't always deserve. But somehow, to me, being alone would be far worse. And I'm not kidding when I say this is the end of the relationship road for me. What's worse about being alone? The feeling of loneliness is overwhelming to me. I don't have the love of my family - don't really want it anymore either. I guess I need what little bit I can get from DP. And it's sad, really. I wish I were stronger.

I did nothing last night beyond cleaning up after dinner. I'm so damn tired and the baby was up twice last night. Cindy, thanks for the suggestions. They would be great except for the fact that DP doesn't see her "job" as being the one to do everything at home. She resents having to be the cook, the gardener, the maid and the nanny - as she puts it. She just doesn't see it. And she complains how she can't get anything done unless DS naps because he has to be watched constantly since he is in to everything. She's a hypocrite, simple and true. She gets on me for being fat and lazy and depressed, but she's the same. And yes, she's the same with the money as your beloved. But I'm going to force her to take over the finances because I want her to see how little we have. I'm tired of saying no and dealing with the attitude and pouting and being the bad guy. But most of all I'm tired of the stress. So this way she can see how it is. She won't save - doesn't believe in that - can't take it with us when we die she says. But that's fine. She's overweight, has HBP, a heart condition and smokes 2 packs a day. I don't think she'll be around when I'm worrying about retirement. Yikes, I didn't just say that - I'm in a bad mood today. I have a small retirement investment from my first job and I pay into the state system here so I think I'll be okay. Heck I'm the one who can live on nothing so if I do end up alone one day, I'll be okay.

So my world is now reduced to deciding between the lesser of two evils. Depression is an ugly thing. It forces me to have such a negative outlook, to lose all hope of anything good. I'll choose McCain and I'll choose DP because with them I'll suffer a little less than I would with Obama and loneliness.