It's hard to bare your soul

So it was really hard to post the other day. Made harder by the fact that I knew some people would read it. Why do I care so much about what people think? Is it because I was raised by a mother who only cares about appearances? No offense to the lovely people who are reading my blog and who have been there for me during all my BFN's on the NWA board - but you are strangers - what is the chance that I ever have or will ever cross paths with you in real life? Why then, does it matter so much to me what you think? And why do only some things matter to me? I don't care if people know that I am gay. I don't care if people know how my children were conceived and who the donors are. But I do care if you know that my father was a pedophile and no one did anything about it. I do care if people know that I had a miscarriage and suffered through a years worth of failed IUI's and blew every penny I had ever saved. Is is the severity of the "secret". I mean really, my father should be a convicted felon. Why do the sins of my family weigh so heavily on me?

What did my mother do to me to make me so insecure? I really, really should go back to therapy because I still have so many questions. But I also feel like it's time to move past the why's and the poor me's and just start living once and for all. My priest would tell me I have to forgive them? Do I? I'm still so angry. But can I truly put the past to rest and have peace if I don't forgive them?

I honestly don't know what to do. I do not know how to resolve and reconcile this part of my life.

On to a happier note - I fear DS will not survive the terrible two's without a broken bone or some stitches. He has taken to sitting on his art table and using the curtains to make a tent. The curtains have already come down once - rods and all. And stairs are a nightmare. We have them blocked but now he wants to walk up and down them like a big boy and not hold our hand. And the running - he can not walk - he must run. Everywhere. And jump. And he finally got the hang of his inchworm and fire engine that you propel with your feet. He can maneuver that inchworm at break neck speed now throughout the house. And it's fun to flip ourselves off the back of the one chair in the living room that is not up against the wall. Of and let's not forget anything that is plugged in. We have covered and or blocked with large furniture every outlet possible, but as we all know, some outlets remain available. I mean, as much as I prefer not to use it, I do have to plug in the vacuum every now and again and we have to unplug the fish tank when we clean it. I'm not sure if I shared here that not too long ago I went in his room one morning and was surprised to notice it was darker than usual. I thought the night light had blown out. So I walked with just the aid of the hall light into his room to check it. It was gone. Gone I say - removed from the wall - G-O-N-E. I found it on the floor in two pieces. He had taken the cover off. So I found and picked up the pieces. Much to my horror I discovered that the light bulb itself was gone. DS was awake and watching me closely and laughing. I asked him where the bulb was and he found it on the floor for me. Unbelievable. He now has a blue light in a small lamp and on his highest dresser (which of course has been moved to block the outlets) for a night light. My 2 year old dissected his night light. Now before anyone calls DSS, we do still have the baby monitor in the room, but he is so quiet when he's doing these things. He sometimes gets up in the middle of the night to play and then just puts himself back to bed. Now when we hear noises, we go check on him. But when he's "investigating" things, he does it very quietly.

DP and I have not had any fights all week. I think she's too depressed to fight. She's decided not to go to Puerto Rico for the funeral. As it is, I had to pay for her sister and nephew's tickets on my credit card. We can't afford for DP and the baby to go now too. Plus it will be depressing and stressful and DP already feels bad enough these days. I am going to get paid back from the insurance money. Apparently the funeral home covered all the arrangements for sending the body, but would not cover the family transportation. So let's see. It was risky on my part because I can not afford to pay it off. But what was I going to say? He's my baby's grandfather for God's sake. I want him to be buried where he wanted to be at rest.

Not much else is going on. I have a headache and feel sick today. I can't wait for next week. I had some crampy feelings last night and I'll just be happy when I have that next ultrasound. We should know later today if legal aid will take DP's case. I hope so because until SIL pays me back I have no room on the credit card for an attorney. I really need to win the lottery or go on a game show. I feel like we are never going to get ahead.

But like everything else, this too shall pass....