When it gets to be too much....

I shut down and I don't know what to do with myself. I have work I need to be doing, but I don't feel like doing it. I just mindlessly surf the web and read blogs of other people's lives. Why am I so obsessed with that? It only makes me feel worse about myself and the way things are going in my life. I read blogs anf think oh why can't I be a better Christian like so and so, or a better wife or a better mother, or a better writer? It's silly really and I don't have the time for it. I'll just get behind at work and at home.

Things were tough at home last night. DP never gave up on her tirades and I was so stressed all night. I realize she is moody and her exposiveness is part of her personality, but I am so quiet and so normally even tempered. It is very hard. I did not sleep well last night and then slept through my alarm this morning so I had to drive myself in to work. I wasn't late, but I was too late to catch the van pool. I'm very tired and wish I could have some coffee or something. But since I want to have another baby - I'm trying not to get back into the caffeine.

I've been trying to think about where all this stress comes from. What is getting to me the most? And I think the root of many of our problems is our financial situation. DP and I do not agree when it comes to that. I'm all about saving and she is all about spending. She does not listen to me when I say we can not afford something. We are just making it on my income. I can just pay the bills each month and there is nothing left over for extras. She doesn't seem to care. I'll say I only want to spend $200 at Walmart this week and she won't listen when I say no, we can't have something. I know she wants to fix up the house, but I'm not an endless supply of money. I need to turn the bill paying and budgeting over to her, but I don't want to lose the control I have. I've managed to save a little bit and I'm afraid she'll spend it. She believes you can't take it with you when you die. But she comes from a family that always lived paycheck to paycheck and most of her family still does. I hate that we live that way. Couples really need to agree on the finances...geesh there's so much we don't agree on.

I don't want to even write about it anymore. This part of my life, money and relationship, really depresses me.

So let's talk about my 2 year old. The living room is done and all the furniture is back. DS thinks the cofee table is for climbing on. Now he's never done that before. But take it out of the room for a couple of weeks and then bring it back - suddenly a table that has been around his whole short life, well it becomes this great novelty and wonder to be explored. He's also become obsessed with Cheetoes and french fries. I swore I would never let him have junk, but he's into wanting whatever we have. He knows the bag of Cheetoes when he sees them and he'll sure holler for them! Last night I read to him in Spanish and really struggled through it. I hate that I only get a couple of hours with him, but at the same time love our little bedtime routine. Brushing teeth is becoming a struggle - his poor little gums hurt but we have to do it! He gets to brush them himself and play in the sink once I am done with my part. I also got him a battery operated tooth brush like ours - he loves it. And he knows to say "aaaahhhhhh" and open his mouth while I brush - but he only wants to brush for 10 seconds and then he's done.

I'm so tired of my job. Still no review, no mention or hope of a raise. I guess I'm not doing a good job? When you get no feedback it makes you wonder. I should ask my boss for my review. But I hate to point out to her that she's falling down on her responsibility. Weak and spineless I am. And just getting more and more miserable by the day. Two of my staff called out sick today and one was late so I was alone this morning.

So AF is going to be here any day...and D's nephew should be here around CD 11. Don't know if I should go for it or not.