What a weekend!

It was a very emotional weekend. DP and I did alot of talking, I did alot of crying, but we were able to work few some issues, although not everything is resolved. I've been working on writing her a letter since it is easier for me to communicate that way. The biggest problem we are having is with my family. Both of DP's parents have passed away and her family is back in the state we consider "home". My parents live in the same state as us. I don't have a great relationship with them and I'm still kicking myself for moving here. I do much better when I am away from my family. Anyway, to make a long story short, I used to be married, to a guy. It took me a long time and alot of therapy to be okay with who I really am and to realize that everything I did in my life was to please a mother who couldn't be pleased. I got a divorce (so ugly and messy b/c he couldn't believe it) and I started dating DP. I wasn't working at the time so I had to sell out my interest in our house to the ex as part of the divorce settlement. I could not afford to buy him out. Because housing was sky high, I decided to move south to be near my family because I was scared and alone. DP's dad had just died, our relationship was new, but promising, so she decided to come with me. I had enough money from my house to get us something very nice in a less expensive part of the country. The problem is that my whole life my mom has controlled everything and living near her makes it worse. She does not treat DP the way she treated ex-DH. She just can't accept that my new life is the same, just with a woman instead of a man. It's worse with the baby because of course he is "mine" and not DP's because she has no BIOLOGICAL connection. My mother is so ridiculous. What if I had stayed living a lie and stayed with ex-DH and we had to adopt. Would it not be our child then? Of course it would because in my mom's mind you can only be married and have that status with a man! So anyway, there's more. My dad is not a good man. I found out some stuff about him 12 years ago that makes me hate him, hate my mom more, and I vowed at the time that he would never be allowed near a child of mine. But now he is very sick and when the baby was born I relented for a short time and we allowed my mom to watch the baby with strict orders that he was never to be alone with my dad. But then one day 18 months ago we asked my mom what she did with the baby when she went to the bathroom because we had the feeling that she left him in his play yard in the living room and would go in the bathroom and close the door therefore leaving the baby alone with my dad. Well that's exactly what she was doing and she got pissed that we asked. She said I didn't trust her and that DP did not trust her with MY child - ha! -right there she showed she has no respect for DP as an equal parent. Then she said we wouldn't have to worry about it anymore because the baby would never come to her house again. Well, DP has a very strong latin personality and you don't make threats with her. We've never gone to my mom's house since then. Then we had a huge fight on the phone a few weeks later. My mom made it all about poor her, stuck with my dad all these years and now caring for him. That she didn't know better all those years ago. Well all I can say is the whole damn family allowed me to grow up in a dangerous situation and it's no wonder I'm an emotional mess as an adult! So now we only see them in public places. Now DP can be controlling too - she hates my mom and we now have to do things here way which I also think is unfair. I am constantly stuck between the two of them. But here's the thing: I really want nothing to do with my family but I'm caight up with the guilt of needing to be a good daughter and forgiving them for their faults. Even my mom's family is on her side now and they always hated my dad my whole life. But now everyone thinks because he is sick and my poor, poor mom, now we need to foget that children were put in danger for years and pretend that it would never happen to my son. Well my dad is sick enough now that it might not, but how can I raise my son in all that dysfunction?

So my aunt is coming this week and my mom wants us to come over for dinner. She knows we won't, but she asks anyway and then tells me "think about it and call me tomorrow". Well I called and said no - we could meet at a restaurant or a park or the mall like we always do. She does not want to go to a restuarant because "someone will have to spend alot of money" but she's fine spending tons of money at Christmas or on a shopping trip for baby clothes. She only spends money when she wants to. Then she told me she would have my aunt call me when she gets here. Like she's going to bully me into something? I hate them all - but then that guilt comes in. And I should mention that I used to let my mom buy me things and control me because if I let her get away with it she would by me more things and since she never really loved me I felt I deserved it. It's really messed up and I've let her keep me as her doormat far too long. Years of therapy has helped me, but again I am overcome with the guilt. Most of my mom's family is not speaking to me because they think we are being too harsh. They have spent a lifetime playing the "appearance" game of sweeping things under the rug and pretending we are a happy, normal family when if fact we are a dysfunctional lot!!

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to undo the behavior I allowed from my mom, deal with my guilt, keep my realtionship from falling apart over this, and keep myself together. This is a daily struggle for me and brings great heartache and lots of fights with DP. No wonder I didn't get pregnant this last year. The stress this causes me is unbearable at times. I can't afford to go back to therapy. I'm the only one working and even a co-pay of $30 a week would be tough on the already tight budget! I don't know what to do!

Oh and the other thing is that if I hadn't had a miscarriage, the baby would be born this month. I'm not sure if DP realizes that and she used to get on my case when I would be depressed after every BFN. She felt I needed to keep a positive outlook, so I swallow my sadness and try again! So of course, I've not shared how I'm feeling now with her. There were some conferences this spring that I wanted to go to, but did not ask at work because I was sure I'd be too pregnant to travel!

Well, I'd better get back to work!