I'm still here and still married

Things exploded Monday night and it was very bad. I'm going to write about it eventually, but I guess I'm still processing it and still trying to figure out if it was a dream. But I think it was real since I stayed home from work yesterday to recover from it all. I'd been thinking about making my blog public again but just enabling comment moderation so no one can post anonymously. It's still bothering me that I don't know who left that comment so I could reply to them. But after Monday, I don't think I can continue to write the truth and allow people to see it. I'm in a very strange situation, the kind you think happens to other people. But never to you. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to stay in a bad relationship. But is it bad? Why do I someohow believe that it's not that bad and that it is just my fault, that if I were just a little bit better we would not have these problems. When did I become this co-dependent person who does not think she can do better or deserve better? What is wrong with me? Am I that afraid to be alone that I am willing to stay with something that is less than perfect?

DP and the baby are leaving to go home on Friday so I'll have more time to write. At work it is sometimes hard to let the feelings flow because I have to keep the tears in check. It's probably time to let DP know that I have a blog, but clearly I can not permit her to read it. I want some privacy and I know she would want to read it.

So Monday night was tough and long and I am still shell shocked by the events. But somehow we are still together and I'm okay.